


Ultraviolence

by lscar123



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: A Andrew that smiles, A Neil that cries, Alternate Universe, Angst, Fluff, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-09-25 19:16:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 76,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9840323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lscar123/pseuds/lscar123
Summary: Neil Josten is of the most successful songwriters in the industry but years of blocking out his own personal pain and writing mind numbing radio hits have started to wear him down so he decides to take a break from it all and return to The Fox Hole, the bar he stumbled onto years ago and helped set up an open mic night at.It's there he meets Andrew Minyard, a bartender who makes an immediate impression on him. Something about Andrew tells him to run but it's either his own stubbornness or his pension for self destruction that makes him stay.Nothing in his life will ever be the same after the first night he spends back in the place he used to call home.





	1. Cruel World

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! If you're reading this then thank you for looking past my terrible summary! I recently finished the All For The Game series and have been desperately reading stories on here ever since. I knew I wanted to write one of my own but I was so intimidated by the characters and everything else that I didn't think I could do it...until a day or so ago when this idea popped into my head and I couldn't ignore it. The title of this fic and the inspiration for it comes from the excellent Lana Del Rey album of the same name. Each chapter will be named and inspired by a song of hers and I'll hyperlink the song to the chapter title. I highly suggest you listen to each song at the point they come into the story because they will be co-opted by the characters in the story as if they were original songs by them and it would help to hear how the song would actually sound.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1

[Cruel World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNT8USozqoo)

 

“Allie Jay! Allie Jay!” The thunderous roar from the audience rumbled through the Madison Square Garden.

It was the final night of the tour and the house was packed, every seat in the enormous arena was filled with a screaming fan who was there to see the reigning princess of pop, Allie Jay. The stage was in the round meaning there were no sections of seating blocked off behind the stage, everything was right there in the center, laid bare and exposed. The thunderous chants came from every single direction possible.

“Encore! Encore! Encore!” The crowed screamed before returning to the chant of “Allie Jay!”

They all knew an encore was coming and it always seemed strange to him that they'd be yelling for it as if they would be surprised when it happened.

Neil Josten stood in his section of the stage in the dark, flexing his sore fingers from the nearly two hours straight of playing one instrument or another, it was approximately the same location he'd stood on every tour for the last five years. The band leader always stays in relatively the same spot, halfway between the artist and the backup band.

“Allie Jay incoming in 30.” The small earpiece in his ear crackled, signaling him of the incoming pop star.

“Almost time to end this.” Neal grumbled to himself.

“You know we can all hear you.” A light and airy female voice chirped into his ear.

Neal laughed and let his guitar go slack with only the strap keeping it secured to his body as he bowed his arms back. “You're counting down the last few minutes faster than any of us, Allison.”

“I'm still Allie Jay for the next six minutes, Nate.” Allison laughed and he could hear her rolling her eyes.

“Whatever you say, _Allison_.” Neal scoffed.

The the rest of the world she was Allie Jay, worldwide mega star and pop music icon, but to him she was just Allison Reynolds, best friend of fifteen years and closest thing to family he had left. To the rest of the world he was Neil Josten, band leader for Allie Jay and one of the most successful song writers in the current music world, but to Allison he was just Nate, the scrappy ten year old she found hiding in the shed on the outskirts of her parents property one night over a decade ago.

“On my way up,” Allison sighed, “switching off. Make it a good final encore, Nate.”

Neil rolled his eyes and gripped his guitar back in his hands. _3,2,1_ he counted down in his head before running his guitar pick of the strings as the lights began to rise and the stadium exploded to life.

 

 _Oh my, oh my, oh my_  
Oh my, oh my, oh my  
Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my

 

Allison's recorded voice blew threw the speakers. In just a few more seconds she'd have her headset attached to her head and she'd be rising up from the center of the stage.

Neil let another strum go across his guitar before turning back to his drummer with a slight nod. He knew he didn't have to, they'd done this exactly 150 times over the last six months but it was still a force of habit.

The drummer began to pound a thick beat into the air as the lights sprung completely to life and large plumes of fire shot through the stage. He turned slightly away from them, unable to focus on them for fear of being consumed by old memories. He'd have to fight harder for no fire on the next tour. As it was, he and Allison almost sacked the tour director a week before the start of the first leg because he wouldn't relent on the continuous use of fire thorough the entire show. Neil finally came to a silent compromise with himself and told Allison that if she could get it down to just one song he could deal with it. Allison, ever the charmer, told the director that if he liked fire so much she would gladly take him out back and introduce him to some before begrudgingly agreeing to the flames for the finale. At least if there had to be fire it would be at the end.

Fuck pop music and all it's need for flash and awe.

Neil quirked his head as he hard the sound of the hydraulics opened the door in the middle of the stage and smiled to himself as he saw a tiny thumbs up rise through and and angle itself towards him. Allison, for all her diva moments and tempter tantrums, was still the kindest person he'd ever met.

“Give 'em hell, Allie Jay.” Neil whispered to himself as Allison sprung from the trap door and the crowd began to lose it's collective fucking mind.

 

 _It ain't my fault you keep turning me on_  
It ain't my fault you got, got me so gone  
It ain't my fault I'm not leaving alone  
It ain't my fault you keep turning me on

 

He still couldn't stop cringing at the lyrics. They were certainly not his finest work. He and Allison had written the song together as a joke one night while she was high out of her mind on some pot she'd gotten from one of the stage hands. Every time she sang it he remembered how much time he'd spent that night laughing at all of her insane rhyme schemes and melodies before he gave in and wrote one of the most mind numbing songs they'd ever collaborated on. Of course it had to be her biggest hit yet.

 

 _I can't talk right now_   
_I'm looking, and I like what I'm seeing_   
_Got me feeling kinda shocked right now_   
_Couldn't stop right now_ _  
_ _Even if I wanted, gotta get it, get it, get it, when it's hot right now_

 

He eyed the mic in front of him. It was almost time for his backing vocals and he cursed Allison every night he had to sing this fucking song. But no, she always had to insist that he at least sang one line of every song they wrote together with her. _“We're a team, Nate.” she says, “You're the brains, I'm the brawn. Sing the fucking song with me and shut the fuck up.”_

Of course it's easy for her, she has Allie Jay to hide behind. He's still Neil and Neil has to sing the dumb ass lines that earned him a nice six figure paycheck the day it hit number one on the charts. He took a deep breath and leaned into the mic, holding onto the fact that it was the last time he had to deal with this stupid song for at least a few months.

 

_Oh my god, what is this?_   
_Want you all in my business_   
_Baby, I insist_   
_Please don't blame me for what ever happens next_

 

At least by singing a different verse every night it kept Allison on her toes. He rolled his eyes when he saw her flip him a bird in the middle of one of her more complicated dance sequences.

Call her what you want but no one could deny that Allison was the real deal. She sang live, she had a hand in writing almost all of her shit (even if it was mind numbing), and she had a tight and precise choreographed routine to go along with every single song on tour. She was a hard worker and 95% of the reason he even got out of the bed in the morning. He could never let Allison down, not after everything she did for him all those years ago when she found him bleeding and broken in the corner of that shed.

He was pulled from his memories by the roar of the crowd and he knew he'd missed the crown jewel of the entire performance, the part of the routine where Allison dropped into a full slit before being picked up by her dancer and thrown across the stage into the arms of another. She always had a thing for drama.

 

_No, I-I-I-I can't be responsible_   
_If I-I-I-I get you in trouble now_   
_See you're-'re-'re-'re too irresistible_   
_Yeah, that's for sure_   
_So if I put your hands where my eyes can't see_   
_That you're the one who's got a hold on me_   
_No, I-I-I-I can't be responsible, responsible_   
_It ain't my fault_

 

Neil played on for the rest of the song with just his muscle memory as he zoned out. He was more tired than he'd care to admit. The touring schedule was brutal, they were in a different city every single night and sleeping soundly on a tour bus for maybe an hour or two. He'd always been thankful that he at least got to take up one of the more comfortable beds on Allison's flagship bus of the rolling armada. It was far more lavish and comfortable than the other three buses that were designated for the band and dancers.

Of course, it always led to rumors that started every year like clockwork. Apparently he and Allison had been secretly married for _at least_ the last five years and had three children that they'd kept hidden from the world. It didn't bother him, Allison was essentially his sister and the media didn't need to know how deep their bond went, they didn't need to know that he'd never once thought of Allison, or anyone else for that matter, in a remotely sexual way.

He was feeling generous and it was the last night of the tour so he bit his lip and leaned into the mic to sing his least favorite line of the song, the line he knew Allison always died when he sang.

 

 _Certain bad boy smooth, body hotter than a summer_ _  
_ _I don't mean to be rude, but I'd look so damn good on ya_

 

The song came to an end soon after but the crowd didn't quiet, they continued with their screaming and crying and yelling for Allison. Neil just rolled his eyes and began to play the chords to the outro music that Allison normally descended from the stage to but tonight was different from the rest and Allison was apparently feeling sentimental.

“Good night, New York City!” Allison screamed into her headset as she waved to her adoring crowd, “Cut the music, Nate.”

Neil rolled his eyes and stopped his fingers on the guitar and held a palm up to the band behind him to signal them to cease.

“I just want to give all of you guys here my deepest thanks, I do all of this for you and when I come out to a crowd like this it makes all the hard days worth it. These last few months have been insane and I'm looking forward to my much needed break, but don't worry, I wont stay gone too long.” Allison laughed and the crowd went insane once again.

“Since we're all being recorded right now for my concert special on HBO I want to call someone up here to say hi to the camera.” Alison grinned.

“Oh no.” Neal sighed, knowing full well what was coming next.

“Everyone give a round of applause for my talented band leader, partner in song writing crime, and best friend, Nate Josten!” Allison threw a wink his way and turned on her heels to beckon him over.

He relented and walked towards her open arms. There was no need to refuse her, if only for the fact that it would create a PR nightmare.

“Say hi to the people watching at home on HBO, _Nate_.” Allison laughed as she pulled him in my his arm.

“Hi to the people watching at home on HBO, _Neil_.” Neil groaned as a slight smile crossed over his face.

Allison's only response was an eye roll and a smack on his ass as she pushed him away. That will quiet the rumors. “Goodnight, I love you!”

Neil let his guitar roar to life again and he played her off and quieted it soon after as the lights came up and the twenty thousand fans began to slowly make their way out of the arena.

Neil sat his guitar on its stand as the rest of the band came to a halt and headed towards the stairs to make his way under the stage. He only had a second of alone time before he was jumped from behind. He didn't tense or fight back, he knew exactly who had clawed his way onto his back.

“We survived another one, Nate.” Allison laughed and placed a kiss at the crown of his head.

“Yeah,” Neal laughed, rolling the tension of the night out of his shoulders and savoring the quiet moment with his friend, “and I only added one scar to my collection this time.”

Allison let out a long sigh before smiling again, “We riding to the after party together?”

Neil bit his lip, it was the moment he'd been dreading all night. “I'm not going.”

“Nathaniel Josten, you shut your whore mouth!” Allison gasped.

“Allison, I've been to every after party on this entire tour, you know I'm always miserable.” Neil sighed as he winced at the usage of his first name.

“But this is the last after party!” Allison whined and stomped her foot, forgetting she was in thigh high stiletto boots and braced herself against Neil before she fell over.

“And if it weren't in the city I would go.” Neil rolled his eyes, “You can't tell me you didn't expect me to cut out early when I'm ten minutes from my apartment.”

“You don't even like your apartment.” A soft voice laughed from over his shoulder.

“Thanks for the back up, Renee!” Allison laughed and pushed Neil aside to hug her.

Renee Walker had been Allison's personal assistant for the last four years and was her second closest friend behind Neil. He liked her well enough and could always have good time if it was just the two of them but they never really connected the way you'd think two people that share the same best friend would. They were each part of a different sections of Allison's world. Neil was the best friend in the more grounded and creative universe, the Allison Reynolds word and Renee was the best friend in the wild and crazy celebrity universe of the Ally Jay world. It worked for all three of them.

“If we're going to argue you should at least be in something more comfortable.” Neil rolled his eyes and waved his hand up and down Allison's scantily clad figure.

“Good idea.” Allison smiled, “Let me get into my sweats so I can kick your ass. I'll show you some of the moves Renee has taught me.”

Neil shuddered at the thought. He'd seen Renee fight before at the gym and she was not one to fuck with. He knew she'd started teaching Allison some basic self defense after a stalker had broken into her house last year but he didn't dare find out what exactly she'd learned.

The three of them filed into Allison's dressing room and Neil took his usual spot on the couch while Allison stepped behind the divider and began to peel off her performance outfit. Renee disappeared behind it a few seconds later to help hold her steady while she took off the obnoxious boots.

“I swear to god I'm firing Brian from the next tour.” Allison groaned, referencing Brian her dance captain.

“What now?” Renee laughed.

“He's been grabbing my ass for too long after he pulls me out of the split!” Allison exasperated, “It's been like that since Vegas!”

“You mean the same Vegas where you sat on his lap and made out with him for an hour?” Neil laughed as he absentmindedly scrolled through his phone reading tweets and reactions to the show that just ended.

“Oh my god!” Allison gasped as she stuck her head around the divider, “I literally did not make that connection.”

“You did make out with a lot of people that night, Allie.” Renee laughed as she stepped around the divider holding two pairs of boots that were almost as tall as she was.

“So did you!” Allison laughed as she lobbed a bra over the divider at her, “Glass houses, Renee!”

“True.” Renee giggled, “Neil is the only person in the room who hasn't had his lips on someone who worked on the tour.”

“Excuse me!” Neil choked, “How do you know that?”

It was true but still.

“Sweetie.” Allison cooed as she stepped from behind the divider now dressed in a loose fitting jumpsuit.

She didn't have to say anymore. They all knew that Neil was not the touchy feely type and Allison at least knew that Neil had never made it past first base with anyone.

“Now I'm really not coming to your party.” Neil rolled his eyes and stuffed his phone into his pocket.

“I hate you.” Allison frowned and dropped to the couch next to him, sighing and dropping her head onto his lap.

“I know.” Neil sighed.

“What are your plans them?” Renee asked as she fell into the long chair opposite them.

“Go back to my place, shower, and then go find somewhere where I wont hear another one of these fucking songs for at least an hour or two.”

“You know, I'd be really fucking offended at you for shit talking all my songs if you hadn't wrote most of them.” Allison rolled her eyes.

“Do you hate all your work this much, Neil?” Renee asked.

“I don't hate any of it.” Neil sighed, “I've written some great stuff for Allison and we've written some killer shit together but this last album was just...”

“Fucking mind numbing.” Allison picked up his sentence.

It was nice to hear her echo his sentiments.

“Well, at least you don't have to perform any of it until the VMA's in a few months.” Renee offered.

“Thank fucking god,” Allison laughed, “If I hear Ain't My Fault one more time it's going to be my fault that I killed myself.”

Neil raised his eyebrow at the oddly worded sentence but otherwise said nothing.

“Don't turn on the radio then, it's still number one.” Renee sighed.

“Some people have the worst fucking taste.” Allison groaned.

“Yeah,” Neil shook his head, “Who writes that shit?”

Allison laughed and swatted at his face before pushing herself off his lap and walking over to sit in her makeup chair. “I'm going straight to the party from here. Renee, can you find Tao and send him in here to salvage what's left of my face before I go outside?”

“You got it, boss.” Renee smiled before turning to Neil and giving him a short wave goodbye and pushing herself out of the room.

“Where are you really going?” Allison asked after the room cleared.

Neil shifted uncomfortably under her icy stare. Allison had a way of seeing right through him and into his soul.

“I just need a break, Al.” Neil frowned, “Matt is trying to talk me into going to The Fox Hole and I'm thinking of actually going.”

“The Fox Hole?” Allison gasped, “You haven't been there in years.”

“It's Friday.” Neil shrugged.

“Open mic night. Nate, you little bastard!” Allison jumped out of the seat and rushed towards him with a smile on her face.

“I'm not singing any of my stuff.” Neil clarified, “I just want to go and hear what's out there past all the rhyming and innuendos of pop music.”

“I'm sorry.” Allison frowned, “I know this album and tour was a pain in the ass.”

“Shut up.” Neil rolled his eyes, “It's the label forcing all this dumb shit down your throat.”

“You'd think they'd show a little wiggle room for the bitch who's made them like a billion dollars.” Allison groaned.

It was true, after a new label head was brought in they lightly suggested that Neil try to write more radio friendly, happy summer songs. Allison seemed content with it at the time so he went along with it. It wasn't until they were trying to finalize the track list and they found that the studio pushed back on any song that didn't involve partying, sex, or partying and sex, that the reality set in. They would be touring around the world playing some of their least favorite material.

“If they pull this shit again them I'm leaving.” Allison huffed.

“Allison, you're under contract for three more albums.” Neil smiled.

Allison stood up from the cough with a grunt. “I don't give a fuck! I'll buy myself out.”

“Diva moment.”

“Shut up.”

Neil let out a pensive sigh. “It worked out. I needed a break from heavy shit anyway.”

Allison's eyes caught him in the mirror and she offered a sad smile. “You know I feel guilty every night, right? I'm still not sure if I broke you even more by letting you come out with me so soon after...”

“I was already broken, Al.” Neil frowned, “Playing these dumb fucking songs across the world grounded me.”

“Even if you hate them?”

“I don't hate them.”

Allison rolled her eyes and picked her phone up from the counter. “You sang the line.”

Neil smiled and fell back deeper into the couch. “I had to make it up to you since I wasn't coming to the party.”

“Where the fuck is Tao?” Allison sighed before turning to him, “Thank you.”

“You're welcome.” Neil got up from the couch and walked over to her to place a small kiss on her forehead just as her make up artist walked into the room.

“Sorry! Sorry!” Tao huffed, “I was on the phone with Mariah's people. She's trying to stiff me!”

“Ugh, divas!” Allison laughed, “Hey Nate?”

“Yes?” Neil hummed as he stepped out the door.

“Pick a good one.”

“A good what?”

“A good one of your songs for when you sing later.”

“I'm not singing, Allison.”

“Wanna make a bet?”

 

*

 

Neil pushed his way into his apartment almost an hour after leaving the stadium. What would normally have been a ten minute cab ride turned into an hour long wait as thousands of people extricated themselves from the facility. When he'd finally had enough he tossed the cab driver $40 out of pity and walked home instead. It wasn't the most leisurely of walks since he was toting his duffel bag and guitar case but it did give him time to think. By the time he was in the elevator he'd sent Matt and text telling him to meet at The Fox Hole in an hour.

He took in the sight of his dark apartment, it had been almost a month since he'd been back and he couldn't say he missed the place. It wasn't home. He didn't long for it when he was on the road, he didn't feel sad when he left for months at a time, it was just a place to sleep and not freeze to death. He'd never had a home, really. Sure, he grew up somewhere as a child for the first ten years of his life but that place wasn't a home. It was a factory that was specifically designed to destroy him, to rip every bit of free will out of his soul and replace it with “gods love”. He shuddered at the memories. The hot iron that pressed against his skin. The sharp rosary beads that bound his hands to the headboard and bit into his wrists leaving them bloody and raw. The red hot cross that his mother had pressed into his skin after she heated it up over the open flame in front of him. The various slashes and cuts that the good people of his mothers church had left him with after their umpteenth time trying to “cut the demon out of him”. The sound his father made the night they found him in that hotel room a week after he'd saved Neil from the basement.

A stinging sensation in his eye drew him back to earth and he lifted a trembling had to his cheek to find out that he was crying. Fuck, he hated crying. The tears came every time he let himself fall back down the black hole of memories. He shook his head and ran the back of his hand over his face to wipe them away and began to think happier thoughts.

He supposed the closest thing to an actual home he had was Allison's parents mansion but even that place held dark memories. There was nowhere he laid his head that didn't scare or hurt him at one point or another except the tour buses. The buses had always been safe. The buses had wheels and they moved from place to place almost ever single night. It was the perfect thing, really. He could run every single day but still be in the same place.

Neil let out a sigh and fell to the couch, kicking his shoes off and stretching out his legs. He still had time before he needed to meet Matt at the bar and he knew the only way he'd spend it was by being depressing. His eyes scanned the room until they settled on a bookcase against the wall with dozens of notebooks piled into it before zeroing in on one in particular. It was fatter than the others with sticky notes popping out of every direction, the spine was worn almost to its threads from repeated openings and being bent backwards for years. Begrudgingly, he pulled himself up from the couch and walked towards it.

Neil thumbed through the pages, his eyes taking stock of every sticky note that stuck out, until he reached the page he wanted. The words still seemed fresh on the page even though the song was written years ago on a night that he was too fucked up to even make any sense of them. He shook his head as he scanned over the lyrics, savoring every written word. Some of the lines held truth to them and were drawn from his life while others were just there because they sounded pretty. It was the way he wrote his most personal songs, it made him feel safe mixing in lies and red herrings about a girl he might have loved once if the ability to love wasn't burned, cut, ripped out of him. Truths mixed with delicate and fragile lies. He wrote the same way he lived his life.

 

*

 

Standing outside of The Fox Hole was more intimidating than Neil would ever admit to anyone. The building still looked the same and he could remember the first day he ever stepped foot into it. Now though? Now he couldn't remember the last time he was inside.

It had to have been at least two years since he or Alison had returned. The two of them had made attempting to start that stupid open mic night a labor of love. They spent hours, days, weeks, months, trying to spread the word, trying to get people from all over the city to come and play their songs and share their stories. For at least the first month he and Allison sat alone in the bar singing to an almost completely empty room with only the occasional applause from the owner who only put up with them because he knew they had nothing better to do.

Wymack was a better man than he should have been to them. When two twenty year old kids show up on the first day you open begging to sing in the big open area that would be perfect for a stage you're supposed to turn them away. You're supposed to tell them to get the fuck out and come back when you're old enough to buy a drink. But not Wymack. _“As long as you wear something orange you can sing wherever you want.”_

And so every week they showed up in a different shade of orange and sang to the empty bar until people just had to see it to believe it. As the word spread, more and more people showed up with something orange on just for a chance to sing. Eventually they did build a stage there and eventually they painted it that god awful shade of orange. And eventually talent scouts from record companies started showing up and watching and listening to potential new talent. And eventually Allison was signed because she was a pretty blonde girl with a good voice and an even better body and eventually she dragged Neil along with her, got him a publishing contract, and helped make him one of the biggest song writers on the radio.

And now he stood outside of the house he helped build wearing a horrible orange flannel shirt and feeling like an outsider. No. It wasn't a house.

“You gonna stand there all night or are you going to go inside?” A voice laughed from behind him.

Neil rolled his eyes at the unmistakable sound of Matt Boyd's voice and turned to face the impossibly tall man.

“Just waiting for my bodyguard.” Neil shrugged, “I don't know what reaction I'm going to get when I go in there.”

Matt leaned a long arm out against the build and braced himself against the wall. “I about died when you texted me saying you actually wanted to go. How long has it been?”

Neil blew a breath upward to rustle some of the hair out of his face, “Two years, I think? Fuck. Allison and I try our hardest to build this place up then we make it big and we abandon it.”

He could feel Matt's intense glare on it. “You think too highly of yourself, Neil. This place is doing just fine without either of you.”

“You know me,” Neil sighed, “always the guilt conscious. How's Dan?”

“Smooth subject change, Josten.” Matt rolled his eyes, “She's in the studio right now laying down the final vocals for the new single.”

Neil narrowed his eyes before he spoke again. “She's in the studio by herself? Why aren't you there? Aren't you producing it?”

“Of course. But she told me I was suffocating her and she needed a few hours to let her voice breathe without worrying about how it would sound against the track.” Matt shrugged.

Matt and Dan were two of the first friends he and Allison made in the city. They were the first two people to actually show up to participate in open mic night besides them. Dan always had a flare for dramatics and R&B music and Matt was a pro on the keyboard and in their homemade studio. No one knew what to expect when they got up to sing but the few people who were in the bar when Dan opened her mouth were stunned into silence. He'd never tell Allison but Dan had one of the best voices he'd every heard. Every word out of her mouth spoke a thousand more and she could convey more emotion in a single vocal run than he could in any of his songs. She and Matt were eventually signed to the same label as him and Allison with Dan as talent and Matt as a producer. He could still remember crying the day she chose one of the songs he wrote for her as the lead single of her first album.

Unlike him and Allison, Dan and Matt went back to The Fox Hole every couple of months just to fuck around, maybe play some new music, or maybe just to drink. It was why he felt safe enough to come back to his old safe haven with Matt.

“Before we go in I should probably tell you something...” Matt trailed off.

“Save it.” Neil huffed as he opened the door, “If I don't do it now then I'll never do it.”

He didn't wait around to hear what Matt had to say as he stepped into the bar. The place was absolutely bustling with life. It was equal parts familiar and alien all at the same time. The stage was still there and it was still garishly orange but now there was a set up for a full band and backup singers. There were monitors on every wall showing everything from sports to pop culture shows. The bar had been completely redone, all the chairs and tables had been replaced, and the second level was finally finished.

“Fuck.” Neil sighed.

“Different than you remember it?” Matt asked, hovering a hand over Neil's shoulder.

“The pictures are still on the walls.” Neil said softly as he walked towards the bar and let his eyes dance over the pictures that hung everywhere. Black and white photos lined every inch of that back wall. He could already make out himself, Allison, Dan, Matt, and Wymack in them from the other side of the room but as he got closer more and more faces began to pop up, faces he didn't know or trust.

He was only vaguely aware of the guy standing on the stage and strumming along to a country song he'd heard written the same exact way a million different times as he sat down at the bar.

“What can I get you?” A soft and familiar voice asked.

Neil turned with a smile on his face and offered his most seductive voice, which was terrible, “Do your worst, Roland.”

He couldn't suppress his smile and it grew even larger as he saw Roland's eyes widen. “Am I dreaming?”

“More like a nightmare.” Matt laughed as he dropped into the seat next to Neil.

“Neil Josten, as I live and breathe.” Roland laughed, leaning himself against the bar with a goofy grin on his face.

“I missed you to.” Neil shook his head.

“You don't call, you don't write.” Roland narrowed his eyes at Neil.

“I text! Sometimes.” Neil huffed, holding his hands up in mock defense, “And I dedicate a song to you in the liner notes on Allison's last album!”

“I know.” Roland rolled his eyes, “Barback. I have it framed.”

“You didn't come to the show tonight.” Neil said, slightly accusatory.

“Couldn't get off. Boss is a real hard ass.” Roland laughed, “Where is the princess of pop herself?”

“After party I didn't feel like going to.”

“So you came here instead? I think my heart just grew a few sizes.”

“Your heart is big enough.” Matt rolled his eyes.

The singer on the stage finished and Roland turned his head towards the general direction. “Excuse me while I go get the next one started.”

Neil nodded and Matt waved him away. He watched as Roland climbed the steps and called out the name of the next performer, giving a small rundown on their accolades or whatever they hoped to accomplish in life. It was sweet and it wasn't how things were done the last time he was here.

“What do you want?” A rough voice drew his attention back to the bar.

“Huh?” Neil hummed.

“You're sitting at the bar and you don't have a drink so I assume you want something.” The voice said.

Neil let his eyes fall nearly a foot from where Roland's head had been before it settled on a tuft of blonde hair and piercing hazel eyes. If Neil wasn't so rational he'd have thought he lost his breath for just a second when their eyes met but that couldn't possibly happen. He wasn't allowed that.

“Andrew. Neil. Neil. Andrew.” Matt groaned.

“Andrew?” Neil questioned, the name coming out of his mouth before his brain could stop it.

“Yes. What do you want from my bar. Do you need someone to translate for you or something?” Andrew said.

Neil still couldn't figure out how to form a proper sentence. “Your bar?”

Andrew let out a sound that was more animal than human. “What the fuck is up with your date, Matt. Dan finally wise up and leave your freakishly tall ass?”

“You're one to talk, hobbit.” Matt rolled his eyes, “This is Neil Josten.”

“Am I supposed to know who that is?” Andrew shrugged.

“You...don't know who I am?” Neil said somewhere between a sigh and a gasp and already began kicking himself before he finished talking. Allison would be proud.

“No, princess. Should I?” Andrew growled again.

“Oh god.” Matt groaned and began to flag down Roland for backup.

“You're literally standing in front of a picture of my face.” Neil deadpanned.

Andrew gave a quick glance from the phone behind him to Neil and then back again. “Don't see it.”

“Who the fuck trained you?” Neil laughed, “Certainly not Roland or Wymack.”

“Wymack isn't here.” Andrew shrugged.

“So your boss is off for the night and you just treat people like shit?” Neil shook his head.

“You're the one who came into my bar acting like a diva and taking up valuable space by not ordering anything.” Andrew said, his face flat and expressionless.

“Give me a whiskey, Andrew.” Matt shook his head.

Neil snapped his head towards Matt and let his jaw fall open. “Who the fuck is this, Matt?”

“This is what I was trying to tell you before you ran into the place.” Matt gestured towards Andrew, “Andrew runs The Fox Hole now, has for a year and a half.”

“What?” Neil shouted, “Where's Wymack? Oh my god, is he OK?”

“Yes.” Matt laughed, “He and Abby finally got their heads out of their asses and gottogether. They moved back to Florida so she could take care of her mom. One day we showed up and Wymack had Short Stop here and introduced him to everyone as the new day to day manager and then he was gone the next day.”

“Why didn't anyone tell me?” Neil groaned.

“I told Allison, she didn't tell you?”

“No!” Neil gasped, “And I'm going to kill her.”

“Andrew!” Roland laughed, “I see you finally met Neil.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that like I should know who this freak is?” Andrew deadpanned.

Freak. Fuck that word still burned.

“Well, this was nice.” Neil nodded, pushing himself away from the bar, “Good to see you, Roland.”

“Neil!” Roland called after him, “Don't go.”

“Too long has passed, Roland. Clearly I'm not welcome here.” Neil frowned.

“Stop being a drama queen and just order a fucking drink, Neil.” Andrew growled.

“Fine.” Neil huffed and sat back down, he wasn't going to let this Andrew come out on top, “Give me a water.”

“No.” Andrew said, still emotionless.

“Excuse me?”

“No. People don't sit at a bar to order water.”

“This person does.”

“Of course you do.” Andrew sighed and pulled a glass from above him before turning his back to Neil and filling it with tap water. “Enjoy.”

“Neil is half the reason we have open mic night, Andrew.” Roland sighed and lowed himself down to the shorter mans gaze like he'd done this a million times before.

“Oh.” Andrew said, “You're the one that got famous and left. Wrote a bunch of shitty pop songs.”

Neil shot his hand out to clasp the glass with an iron grip before raising a shaky hand to his lips and swallowing. He closed his eyes to pretend he was drinking something else in a pathetic attempt to steady himself before he spoke again. “Yes.”

“Hm.” Andrew hummed.

Neil let out a long sigh before noticing Roland had disappeared again before he registered his voice from the stage.

“Let's have a brief interruption while we give a warm welcome to some Fox Hole royalty who decided to rejoin us tonight. Everyone put your hands together for the legendary Neil Josten. I don't need to tell you who he is, his pictures are all over this place and odds are if a song has gotten stuck in your head in the last five years then he's the one who wrote it.”

“You knew he was going to do this.” Neil turned his fiery eyes towards Matt.

"I have a bet with Allison." Matt admitted.

“I'm wondering if we could possibly convince him to get up here and play us a little something.” Roland winked.

“No!” Neil shouted from across the room as all the heads turned.

“Aw, don't be such a spoil sport, Neil.” Roland cooed.

He was really not in the mood for this tonight.

“I don't have my guitar and I don't know what I would sing!” Neil shook his head and waved his arms in defeat.

“There are plenty of guitars up here, Neil.” Roland said, his voice coming out as smooth as honey.

“Worried you'll forget your alternating verses of ooooh's and aaaah's?” Andrew narrowed his eyes, “Can't be that hard, Fox King.”

Andrew did not just fucking call him Fox King. That little fucker did know who he was.

“Just do it, Neil.” Matt laughed, “You know Roland won't lay off and I'm not nearly ready to leave yet.”

“Neil! Neil! Neil!” Roland led the chant that carried through the entire bar to the point where the only people who weren't chanting were himself and Andrew. He looked over and caught the faintest of smile's from Andrew before his face went back to blank and dead.

“Fuck. Fine. I'll do Hideaway or something.” Neil groaned.

“Oh joy.” Andrew deadpanned, “I fucking hate that song.”

Neil cast one last hateful glance at Andrew before willing himself towards the stage. He felt like all his limbs were covered in concrete as he took the steps one by one until he was standing next to Roland who quickly vacated the mic to him.

“Hi.” Neil said sheepishly into the mic, “It's nice to be back. Allison says hi.”

The crowed erupted into applause at the mention of her name as he picked up an electric guitar and gently strummed it to make sure it was playable. It felt foreign in his hand, he wasn't used to playing with one that wasn't his. He looked back to the bar and saw that Andrew had already turned his back to him and wasn't paying any attention.

Something inside of him snapped. Fuck Andrew. He was going to make sure that short bastard paid attention to him.

Neil sucked in a breath just to give himself another chance to back out of what he was about to do. His mind flashed to the book in his apartment again and the words he'd just gone over a little more than an hour ago. He didn't know why but for some reason he was willing to cut himself open on this stage tonight, just so Andrew would fucking pay attention to him.

“I was going to do one of my favorite songs I've written for Allison but it came to my attention that a certain person behind the bar doesn't like it,” Neil paused to check for a reaction from Andrew and found he still had his back towards him, “So in light of that and as a...celebration of my being back here after so long I'm going to do a new song. One I wrote a few years ago that only one person has ever heard me sing. This is called Cruel World.”

He let his eyes drift back to the bar for just one second and saw that Andrew had pivoted slightly and was watching out of one eye.

He closed his eyes and took one last breath before strumming over the cold strings and sending a loud vibration through the room, he'd only ever played this song out loud once for Allison so he didn't even know if he'd be able to do it but he had to try.

Time to self destruct, Josten.

 

 _Share my body and my mind with you,_   
_That's all over now._   
_Did what I had to do,_   
_'Cause it's so far past me now._   
  
_Share my body and my life with you,_   
_That's way over now._   
_There's not more I can do,_ _  
_ _You're so famous now._

 

He sang the first two verses with his eyes closed, unwilling to look out at the crowd as he began the simplest part of the song. It was only going to get worse from here.

 

 _Got your bible, got your gun,_   
_And you like to party and have fun._   
_And I like my candy and your women,_ _  
_ _I'm finally happy now that you're gone._

 

He felt himself choke over the words but forced himself to keep going. He was a fucking junkie all over again. He could feel the high coming back and it was all worth it.

 

 _Put your little red party dress on,_  
 _Everybody knows that I'm the best, I'm crazy._  
 _Get a little bit of bourbon in ya,_  
 _Get a little bit suburban and go crazy._  
  
_Because you're young, you're wild, you're free,_  
 _You're dancin' circles around me,_  
 _You're fuckin' crazy._  
 _Oh, oh, you're crazy for me._

 

He sensed the tears before he actually felt them. He knew they were going to come because they always came when he thought about the people this song was about: His father, his mother, the ones in between.

He made his eyes find Andrew in the crowd. He was sickly satisfied when he saw that Andrew had left his place from behind the bar and was standing behind the crowd, watching Neil rip himself open, with his jaw slightly slack. He locked his eyes to Andrew and refused to look away.

 

 _Got your bible and your gun,_   
_You like your women and you like fun._   
_I like my candy and your heroin,_ _  
_ _And I'm so happy, so happy now you're gone._

 

Neil ended the song at that last line with the satisfaction of knowing it could have gone on for several more minutes, He'd had enough. He made his point. The room was silent for a moment before it burst into applause but he couldn't take any of it in. He felt like he was going to pass out. Fuck, this was such a bad idea. He needed to talk to Allison. He sat the guitar back on the stand and lowered himself from the stage to make his break for the street outside, pausing briefly in front of the still silent and shocked Andrew.

“Happy?”

 

 

 


	2. West Coast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the comments and encouragements on the first chapter, it means a lot to read your kind words and relly helps with the motivation!
> 
> once again the title of the chapter also contains a link to the song and there is another song that is linked later in the chapter when Allison says the name of it so if you want to hear that one too then click it! Another note, while the first chapter was entirely in Neil's POV this one bounces around a little bit so whenever there is a POV shift from here on out it'll be indicated by the persons name being bolded and centered.

 

 

 

 

2

[West Coast](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3SqUUoJjW8)

 

**Andrew**

 

Of course he knew who Neil Josten was and even if he didn't know who he was he'd at least know of him. It was impossible to listen to the radio for more than 20 minutes before you hear a song Neil Josten had a hand in writing.

But Andrew Minyard knew who Neil Josten the person was long before he ever put a face to his words on the radio. He noticed the pictures of Neil hanging in The Fox Hole the first day he got there. Sure, Neil wasn't the only person in the pictures, and in most of them he was flanked by various mixtures of Allison Reynolds, Matt Boyd, or Dan Wilds, but there was a single photo of Neil by himself. It was obviously taken in a private moment that he didn't know was being captured on film to be preserved. It was of Neil sitting on the stage that was still blindingly bright even in the black and white ink of the photograph and his stare as he looked down at his guitar. There was nothing really remarkable about it on the surface, but if you looked at it long enough you could almost feel the intensity of Neil's stare bubbling out of the picture.

Andrew would never admit it to anyone, most of all himself, but it was that photo that made him want to meet Neil Josten.

Through the year or so that he'd been in control of the bar he'd heard all about Neil and Allison and how they dedicated months of their time to starting the open mic night and how it led to them both getting discovered and whisked away to the bright lights of Los Angeles, California. LA. Just the thought of that place made Andrew's hands quiver and he had to take a moment and stop. _Breathe in. Breath out._ As Bee would tell him. _“You're as far away from LA as you could be, Andrew.”_ Far away from the dark back rooms, the big round tables, the hands...

Andrew's own hands continued to shake and as a result the glass he was polishing slipped from his grasp and crashed to the floor.

“Fuck.” Andre mumbled to himself as he leaned down to pick of the pieces. He wasn't as careful as he thought and a large sliver cut across the end of his index finger. He didn't wince, he didn't recoil in pain, he just watched the drops of blood fall to the ground, counting them as they thumped against the hardwood. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

“You OK, boss?” Roland asked, cautiously walking up behind him.

“Great.” Andrew said without a hint of emotion before he grabbed a rag from the counter to wipe up the blood and wrap his finger.

Roland let out a long sigh and rested his hip against the back of the bar. “OK, then I'm going to head out...unless you want me to stick around.”

Andrew turned with a raised eyebrow and tracked Roland's face as his eyes drifted upstairs towards the door that led to the apartment above the bar. He tried as hard as he could to mask the expression of disgust that crossed his face but one look at Roland told him he failed.

“I'll see you tomorrow, Andrew.” Roland said with a soft smile before pulling his jacket off the bar and shrugging it on and walking out the door.

At least he knew Roland well enough to know that he wouldn't be offended by the look that he saw. Roland knew enough about their arrangement to know when it was time to play and when it was time to just go home.

He swept the rest of the glass into a pile in the corner than he'd take care of in the morning. He'd had enough of The Fox Hole for one night and he couldn't shake off the feeling of Neil's eyes watching him from the photographs as he moved around the room.

Andrew pushed the door open to his small apartment and fell into the chair at his dining room table. The place wasn't really much and it wasn't really _his_. It still belonged to Wymack but ever since he moved to Florida Andrew had been staying there after Wymack had cleared out all his personal effects and left only the furniture. There wasn't much in the way of homey comfort, not that Andrew needed or wanted any. The most personal thing in the room was something that he hardly ever touched. He let his eyes drift from the whiskey in front of him to the acoustic guitar that was propped up against the wall in the living room. Every morning when he woke up he told himself that today would be the day he finally burned the fucking thing and the green notebook that sat next to it. Both of the items were filled with so much fucking pain that he couldn't look at them without feeling a deep hurt inside himself. Irrationally he told himself that he only kept them for that pain, that he only kept them for the times when he felt like he needed to hurt himself in an effort to feel _something_ and since he'd long given up dragging blades atop his skin he'd just have to settle for inflicting emotional pain on himself every time he looked at the instrument and the notebook that housed all his secrets. He hadn't written in years and didn't plan on starting anytime soon.

It was then his mind drifted back to Neil Josten once again. He didn't feel guilty for pushing him onto that stage, guilt was not an emotion Andrew thought he could ever feel, every word he spoke and every move he made was exactly what he wanted to do and he couldn't feel guilty for that. So then if it wasn't guilt then what was the feeling that was needling it's way into his chest? He could see Neil's face as clear as day as he stood on that stage and began to pour his heart out into that song that Andrew had not so subtly prodded him into singing. He couldn't figure out why Neil would do it either. Why did Neil care about anything he said? He should have just sang one of the more mind numbing song's he'd written for or with Allison Reynolds and made the crowd happy. They would have been fine humming along to the hand clapping rhythm of Allison's current hit Ain't My Fault or any of her other Billboard Number One's but instead he sang one of his own songs. And he did it for Andrew. He didn't know if it was an attempt from Neil to make him feel like shit, which didn't work, or what but the second that he saw the tears falling from Neil's face he felt that weird sensation in his chest.

The song was obviously highly personal and he could hear it in every word and syllable that Neil sang. The words were almost burned into his brain at this point and he sat staring at his liquor bottle, shaking his head as the sad words bounced around inside of it.

 

_Got your bible, got your gun_  
_And you like to party and have fun_  
_And I like my candy and your women_  
_I'm finally happy now that you're gone_

 

Andrew could hear the words that stuck out when Neil sang, the ones that were harder for him to get out, to make himself actually say out loud. The linger look of hesitation as he sang the word 'bible'. The small wince that went through him as 'gun' rolled off of his tongue. The dark smile that flickered for only a second on 'I'm finally happy now that you're gone'.

One thing was sure that night: for once, Andrew wasn't the only person in the room who had a fucking catalog full of issues.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Neil's hands fumbled as he tried to insert his key into the lock. They'd been shaking almost uncontrollably ever since he ran out of The Fox Hole an hour earlier. He couldn't stop thinking about it, about the song, about the way it made him feel to sing it, about that fucking evil little bastard Andrew.

How the fuck had Andrew been able to get under his skin so fast like that? If it was anyone else mocking him he simply would have told them to fuck off and just go up on stage to sing one of the various hit's he'd written just to get Roland off his back before calling it a night. But with Andrew? He couldn't explain the feeling that settled into him when Andrew mocked him and his song writing and he couldn't explain why he felt the need to...prove himself to Andrew?

Neil finally fit the key into the lock and pushed himself inside his apartment, letting out a thankful sigh as he fell to the couch and fished his phone out of his pocket. He held it in his hand for a moment before unlocking it and pulling up Allison's number. The odds weren't in his favor that she'd answer since the after party was probably well into it's frantic swing be he needed to be grounded for a minute.

The phone gave a few tentative rings before she answered. “Nate? What's wrong?”

Neil let out a laugh. “How do you know something's wrong?”

“I've known you for most of my life and I can count on both of my hands how many times you've actually called me on the phone instead of texting me.”

“I...” Neil folded himself into the couch and bit his lip, unable to form the words he wanted to stay.

“Where are you?” Allison asked softly, her voice barely making it over the pulsing music in the background.

“At home.” Neil said flatly.

“I'm on my way, give me an hour.” Allison said.

“Don't leave your party,” Neil frowned, “I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll survive until tomorrow.”

“Will you?” Allison breathed, her voice dark and pointed.

“Fine. See you in an hour.”

 

*

 

**Allison**

 

“Hands off, Seth.” Allison grumbled as she hung up her phone, “I have to go.”

“Seriously?” Seth rolled his eyes, “You're leaving your own party?”

“It's Nate. I need to.”

“I say let the little freak rot in his hole of self pity and you finally enjoy yourself for once instead of having to go piece him back together every few months.” Seth rolled his eyes again.

Allison felt a quiet rage building inside her and her open palm was flying towards his face before she could even register it. It made contact with Seth's cheek with a sicking snap and her palm instantly burned. “What did I tell you would happen the next time you called him a freak?”

“Whatever.” Seth shrugged, “Go take care of your boyfriend. Maybe I'll go find one of your dancers, Katelyn was looking pretty good tonight.”

Allison rolled her eyes and turned from Seth, offering only a raised middle finger in her wake. She pushed through the club, calling her bodyguards over to her with a flick of her head, and turned to find Renee who was sitting at one of the tables off to the side playing with her phone. “Nate's having a moment, I'm going to go make sure he's OK.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Renee asked with concern clearly written across her face. Allison knew though that the concern was more for her sake rather than for Neil.

“No.” Allison shook her head, “Are you staying for much longer?”

“I'm supposed to meet someone but I'm not sure if he's going to show up.” Renee let out a wistful sigh.

“Tell me if he doesn't and we'll go key his car tomorrow.” Allison winked, “If you stay can you keep an eye on Seth without him realizing? I don't care if he makes out with a dancer but just try to watch out for pills and stuff?”

“Of course.” Renne smiled and placed her hand on top of Allison's and gave it a light squeeze.

Why did all the men in her life have to be so fucking complicated?

After the short ride in the back of her SUV she signaled to her bodyguards to wait for her to come back and rode the elevator of Neil's building up to his floor. She pulled out her key ring and slid her spare copy of his key into the door to let herself in.

Neil was scrunched into a ball on the couch with his head in his hands, slowly rocking back and forth and pulling at his auburn hair. “I told you to stop with the hair pulling, it's going to weaken your roots.”

“Hi.” Was all that Neil managed to weakly say.

Allison crossed to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water, the only thing that was in there, before settling into the armchair across from Neil. “What happened?”

“Matt and I went to The Fox Hole.” Neil sighed as he sat up.

“I gathered as much.”

“And I sang.”

“I know, Roland texted me saying you made him and I $100 each.”

Neil leaned forward as his eyes went wide, “What?”

“I made a bet with Matt and Roland that you would end up singing. Roland and I put $50 on you and Matt bet $100 against you.” Allison laughed. “So you sang?”

“Yeah.” Neil swallowed.

“What did you sing?” Allison asked, leaning forward and resting her hands on her knees. She knew it had to be something to do with whatever he sang that left him in this position. Her mind scanned through the catalog of songs she knew and couldn't pinpoint anything they'd released that would produce this kind of reaction. Even the most personal song he'd ever let her record had only a vague suggestion of the trauma he'd been through and he'd listened to her sing it for years now.

“I was going to do Undermine.” Neil nodded.

“Undermine is about one of my relationships, it wouldn't leave you like this.” Allison wrinkled her brow.

“I said I was going to, not that I did.” Neil rolled his eyes, “I did one of the song's I've written instead. Cruel World.”

Allison had a vague memory of the song, she remembered him playing it for her a few years ago but so much had happened in between that all she could pull out of it was the suggestion of the melody.

Neil must have sensed her apprehension because he walked across the room and picked up a worn notebook that Allison knew housed all of his most personal songs. Fuck.

“Green sticky note with a frown on it.” Neil shook his head.

Allison thumbed through the various notes before opening the page to the song in question and when she read the words her heart sank. 

She recalled the night vividly now. They were on the road and their tour bus had broken down in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. Allison hadn't realized at the time what day it was and it was only until Neil had come back to the bus smelling like cheap liquor and trembling with the unmistakable twitch of a specific drug that she realized it was his birthday. He'd spent the entire time the bus was being repaired off in the middle of a field, drinking and self medicating himself while she spent the time complaining about how hot it was and how bored she was. When Neil finally came back he'd written the song and threw the notebook at her to read.

Looking at the page now she found it still held the marks of that night. The page was faded and smudged with dirt, small brown stains from drops of alcohol and pruned and wrinkled spots from where Neil's tears hit the page as he wrote.

He played the song for her that same night, sitting in the middle of the road with his guitar on his lap, practically screaming the words just because he was desperate to get them out of his system. He passed out on the asphalt shortly after that and she had him carried inside. When he woke up the next morning neither of them mentioned it. And they hadn't ever mentioned the song again until this very moment.

All the guilt of that night rushed back to her in an instant.

“Why the fuck would you do this to yourself, Nate?” Allison spat as she threw the book across the room.

“There was a guy there, behind the bar.” Neil sighed, “He made fun of me and our songs and...I don't know.”

“We literally just made fun of our own songs like an hour before that.” Allison shook her head. None of this made any sense.

“This was different, Al. I can't explain it. The way he talked to me, it like wormed it's way under my skin. I could feel him picking me apart just by looking at me. I had to prove to him that I was more than what he thought he saw.” Neil buried his face in a couch cushion and let out a strangled yell.

“So your idea of that was to get on stage and basically rip yourself apart just because some guy pissed you off?” Allison rolled her eyes. He was so fucking dumb sometimes.

“That's the worst part...” Neil trailed off, “Andrew didn't piss me off.”

“Andrew?” Allison groaned into her hands, “You finally met him?”

“Yeah. And fuck you for not telling me Wymack left. I never would have gone if I knew that.”

“I meant to....Matt only told me a few months ago and everything has been so busy. I honestly thought you'd never go back anyway.”

Neil didn't reply and Allison didn't want one anyway. She loved him like a brother but sometimes he could be such a fucking martyr. She opened up her phone and loaded Twitter and almost dropped her phone when she checked her mentions. “Nate?”

“What?” Neil sighed.

“You're all over the internet.”

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Neil spent the better part of that day in bed. He'd long since turned off his phone and drawn the blinds to keep out any annoying rays of sunlight. After Allison left last night he stayed up for hours, obsessively googling his name and watching video after video of himself on YouTube that people had recorded last night. It was masochism at it's finest.

His manager had called him earlier in the morning to tell him that their office was being overrun with requests from every artist he could even imagine. Everyone had seen Neil and felt his words, they were reminded that he was more than just addictive pop songs, and now everyone wanted a piece. His manager went on and on, telling him about how every artist he'd ever wanted to work with had said they would shift around schedules to write with him, invited him to writers camps, and offered to throw boatloads of money at him. One even offered to buy Cruel World out from under him. On a normal day it would be something close to a dream come true. But today wasn't a normal day. He was numb, he couldn't feel excited, he couldn't feel angry, he just felt nothing. He ended the call with his manager by telling him he wouldn't be working with anyone for the time being and that he was going on hiatus. He had one session left with Dan to polish off some of her album and then after that he wasn't working with or writing with anyone until he decided he wanted to. Naturally, his manager blew up and Neil couldn't find a single fuck to give. He hung up on him and turned his phone off.

That was seven hours ago.

Neil had been in bed all day, drifting between sleep and alertness, and mostly staring at the water spot on his ceiling. He would have stayed there too if Allison hadn't let herself back into his apartment and threw a bag at him. “What the fuck, Al?”

“I'm fine with you turning your phone off,” Allison sighed, “But I also know you have nothing to eat in this place so shut up and eat the burger.”

“I'm not hungry.” Neil shrugged.

“I don't care. You're eating.” Allison glared, “Larry called Marcus.”

“My manager is a pain in the ass.” Neil rolled his eyes.

“You're seriously turning down all those offers?” Allison shook her head, “You're so stupid.”

“I don't have it in me.” Neil sighed.

The thought of working with anyone at the moment made his skin crawl. It was going to take all he had just to get through his last session with Dan and he was only doing that because she was a friend.

“Do you know how much money you're turning down? Beyonce wants one of your songs!”

“Beyonce can wait.” Neil gave a half hearted laugh as he unwrapped the sandwich Allison bought for him. “You know I don't care about money.”

“Clearly, or else you wouldn't be living here.” Allison laughed.

He'd made more than enough off of the songs he'd already done to live comfortably for the rest of his life but he hated to spend money. It was another thing that was burned into him by his mother. “I like it here.”

“Whatever,” Allison rolled her eyes, “I gave up trying to win this fight the same night I gave up trying to convince you to take your Grammy's out of the closet.”

“They're tacky.” Neil nodded as he took another bite.

“Eat up and then find something not completely tragic to wear, we're going out.” Allison grinned.

“Excuse me?” Neil choked on his next bite.

Allison stood and stretched out. “I look good tonight and I have somewhere I want to go and you're coming with me.”

“I'm not being your date.” Neil shook his head, “Take Seth.”

“I would never take Seth where we're going.” Allison cringed, “Besides, we're in a fight.”

Of course they were. Allison and Seth were the most dramatic non-couple he'd ever seen. If years of being forced to never think of the idea of being with someone didn't make him want to curl up in a ball in a dark corner then those two would be enough to ward him off of it.

“Where are you taking me that even Seth wouldn't be welcome?” Neil asked, deciding to entertain her for the moment.

“We're going back to The Fox Hole.” Allison winked and then ran out of the room, her stilettos clicking down his hardwood hallway as she went.

Neil spring from the bed to chase after her. “Did you take some of Seth's pills or something because you'd have to be fucking high to say something like that?”

“I'm not fighting this with you. I love you and you do not need to lock yourself in this apartment.” Allison shook her head.

“The Fox Hole is the last place I want to be.” Neil crossed his arms over his chest and glared at her.

“I don't believe you.” Allison smiled.

“I don't care what you believe.” Neil glared.

“And I don't care what you say, I'm not backing down.” Allison narrowed her eyes. When Neil saw her look he knew there was no more reason to fight her because one way or another he would end up at The Fox Hole even if she had to have one of her seven foot tall bodyguards drag him there.

“You're evil.” Neil growled, “I will get you back for this.”

Allison didn't reply, she just turned his back to him and pointed him back down the hallway in a command to get dressed.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

Andrew hated Neil even more than he did last night. The Fox Hole was almost filled to capacity and he had no idea what he was going to do once they reached it. People had been filtering in all night after Neil's performance from the previous evening went viral and it was running him ragged. Roland had tried to calm him down and tell him it was good for business and that they'd make tonight what they usually made in a week, but none of it matter.

That stupid asshole came in, cried on stage, and now everyone was here because of it. There were too many people, too many places in the crowd for someone to hide, too many bodies pressing into him as he tried to move across the floor. Too much of everything.

“I'm this close to closing down the entire fucking place tonight.” Andrew snarled as he made his 500th vodka soda of the night and tossed it down the bar to some girl who was only there in the hopes that Neil would show back up.

“If you need to go upstairs I can take over for you.” Roland said in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

He meant well but it did nothing to calm Andrew, in fact it did more to add to his irritation. “I don't need you to baby me, Roland, we're fuck buddies, nothing else.”

Add another insult to the list of things he wouldn't apologize for.

His sulking was interrupted by a gaggle of screams from the front door and Andrew's body tensed involuntarily at the sound but when he saw what caused the reaction from the crowd he knew his night was about to go from bad to worse.

Before the crowd parted all Andrew could see was the platinum blonde hair that floated through the crowed be he had a sinking feeling he knew who it was. The crowd was eventually moved off to the side by two large men who were easily three times the size of Andrew and out stepped Allison Reynolds. Just what he needed, an actual, honest to god, famous person in his bar. He could hear the sounds of cameras clicking all around him and knew what would happen next. First someone would tweet it, then the picture would come, and then everyone in the area would run down as fast as they could for the chance to catch the golden girl of top 40 radio in her natural habitat. _Maybe_ it wouldn't have been so bad if she didn't have another guest with her, a guest he would refuse to acknowledge.

Roland let out a small laugh from behind him as he took in the scene and leaned in to whisper, “This is karma for being mean to me.”

Andrew groaned before meeting Allison's gaze and locking into a stare, narrowing his eyes in a silent challenge. She was, no doubt, there to yell at him about how mean he was to her guest that he still refused to acknowledge.

She stalked over to him in her ridiculously high shoes with every inch of her glittering in one way or another. “You must be Andrew.”

“And you are?” Andrew deadpanned as she leaned against the bar.

“Roland!” Allison smiled, a big and toothy one, “I've missed you so much!”

“It's been too long, Allie. Come give me a hug.” Roland stretched out his arms as if he was waiting for her to fall into them.

Of course Andrew should have expected that's what was going to happen. In one swift move Allison had crawled on top of the bar, turned her back to Roland, and let herself fall towards him. She let out a high pierced screech and followed it with a laugh when she made contact with his arms and he wrapped her into a tight hug.

“I'm glad your reflexes are still as strong as ever.” Allison laughed before she pushed herself away from him and stalked down the back of the bar towards the liquor display.

Who the fuck did this girl think she was?

“Can I help you with something?” Andrew raised an eyebrow as she unloaded a bottle of rum and reached down into the cooler to pull out two cans of Coke like she'd done it a million times before. She popped the tab on one of the cans, pouring the drink between the two glasses she'd also managed to procure from one of the shelves and looked back to Roland. “You still like more rum than coke, right?”

“How do you think I put up with Andrew?” Roland laughed.

Allison tipped the bottle of Malibu above the first glass, filling it with about equal parts rum and coke before settling it over the second and filling it with far more rum than the other.

“Here you are.” Allison winked and thrust the second glass into Roland's hand before picking up hers, taking a sip and sighing with a satisfied smile. She grabbed the second can and walked back down the bar and slid it across to her guest who Andrew was still totally not acknowledging even though his hair looked really good the way it was styled, presumably by Allison.

“Do you do this to every bar you go into?” Andrew glared.

“Andrew,” Allison turned to him with a wicked smile, “aren't you going to say hi to Nate?”

Andrew narrowed his eyes and flicked them between her and Neil. “I don't see any Nate here.”

“Yeah,” Allison shrugged, “he's not really one for conversation tonight.”

“I told you I would come, I didn't say I would be social.” Neil groaned.

Against his better judgment he let his eyes fall to Neil again and found that Neil was looking right back at him and suddenly it felt like they were in a stalemate with neither of them wanting to be the first to look away. The rest of the world seemed to slow down at that point and the only thing he could focus on was the icy blue of Neil's eyes.

Mercifully, the arrival of Matt Boyd broke the stare. Matt appeared behind Neil suddenly and clapped a hand to his back. It startled Neil who jumped in his chair before letting out a tense laugh and it was just a brief flash but Andrew caught the wave of panic that rode across Neil's face before he registered who it was behind him.

“Matt!” Allison said in a sickly sweet tone, “Pay up.”

“I believe you owe the pretty lady and I some money.” Roland laughed.

“What?” Andrew said, though he didn't mean to actually voice it out loud.

Allison turned to him as she was stuffing her money from Matt into her purse. “The three of us bet if Nate would actually sing something last night. Roland and I were for it and Matt was against it. Obviously Matt lost.”

“One of these days he'll learn to never bet against Allison.” Neil sighed, “Where's Dan?”

“Still in the studio perfecting stuff. She told me to tell you hi and thank you for not canceling on her. The word that you're shutting down for a while has already spread.” Matt frowned.

“Shutting down?” Roland asked, echoing the question in Andrew's mind that he never would have asked.

“I'm taking a break.” Neil shrugged, “After Allison's entire album, the tour, and last night I just need to take a few months to myself.”

“Dan's lucky, she's gonna get the last Neil Josten original before the deadline for the Grammy's.” Matt laughed.

“No,” Neil corrected him, “I'm not writing anything for her, I'm writing with her. She really wants this album to have her presence in every part of it.”

“Tell her to savor it now before she gets to her fifth album and the label decides it wants her to do what it says,” Allison rolled her eyes and threw her drink back and then turned a pointed glare towards Andrew, “like make all her songs alternating oohs and aahs.”

“Play nice, Allie.” Roland scolded.

“I feel like singing.” Allison said suddenly.

“Not happening.” Andrew shook his head, “You're already close to starting a riot as it is. I'm not going to have this place filled with hundreds of your fans trying to get a free show.”

“And you're going to stop me?” Allison laughed.

“If I have to.” Andrew shrugged but kept a bit of gravel in his voice.

“You and what army?” Allison rolled her eyes, “Is the mic set up, Rolland?”

“Yeah...but I think Andrew is probably right.” Rolland said.

“It will be fine, most of them have already cleared out and the regular crowd has enough respect to not tear the place apart.” Neil said from the bar, “If she wants to sing just let her do it.”

“That settles it! Nate, come back me up.”

“No.” Neil huffed, “Not what I agreed to.”

“Fine.” Allison sighed before turning to Matt and whispering in his ear.

“Yeah, I can do that one.” Matt nodded as he followed Allison and her bodyguards to stage.

Andrew finally turned to Neil to speak. “If she gets this place torn apart she's paying for it.”

Neil's only response was a small laugh before he let his head fall back onto the bar as Allison took the stage.

“Look who's back!” Allison laughed into the mic as the crowd let out a loud cheer, “God I missed this stage.”

Andrew's eyes scanned the room and he was pissed off when he had to admit to himself that Neil was right. Most of the stragglers left after they got their fill of seeing Allison out in the real world and the ones that were left were people who came every weekend just because they loved music and he had to assume that most of them probably knew Allison personally at one point or another before she made it big.

“So, believe it or not, I actually wasn't planning on singing anything tonight. I just wanted to come and have some fun, relax a bit after this tour, but after _someones_ stunt last night I just got the itch the second I stepped in the door.” Allison sighed and Andrew knew in that moment that she actually did have a genuine love she had for the place.

Neil's only response so far had been raising a middle finger to Allison as she alluded to his performance last night and Andrew liked when he had his head down because it made watching him with intense eyes that much easier.

“So, if you all will indulge me I'm going to take a trip back to my second album and pull out a song that I desperately wanted to be a single. I still remember the first time Nate played it for me, he was so excited for me to hear it after he'd spent all day locked in his apartment trying to work out his writers block and literally the second he finished I snatched the lyrics from him and dragged him down to the studio. It was one of those rare songs where I felt like I didn't even need to offer any of my own input because it was perfect on it's own. It's simple, it's fun, and it's beautiful. Sing along if you know it, that includes you too, Nate. This is [Be The One](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rey3m8SWQI).” Allison took a step back from the mic to whisper something to Matt and took a breath before the music began.

The title of the song was enough to catch Neil's attention and his head shot up and towards the stage with the smallest hint of a smile on the corner of his mouth.

Andrew had never heard of the song, Allison's music wasn't really his thing and all he'd really heard from her was whatever song was playing on the radio so he was more interested than he'd admit to hear this song that Neil had written that she deemed perfect.

 

 _I see the moon, I see the moon, I see the moon_ __  
_Oh, when you're looking at the sun_ __  
_Not a fool, I'm not a fool, not a fool_ _  
_ _No you're not fooling anyone_

 

It was catchy and less try hard than the last Allie Jay song he'd heard, so he'd give Neil that. He looked up from where he stood and back at Neil and saw him smiling, nodding his head along to the beat of Matt on the piano.

 

 _Oh, but when you're gone_ __  
_When you're gone, when you're gone_ __  
_Oh baby, all the lights go out_ __  
_Thinking, oh that, baby, I was wrong_ __  
_I was wrong, I was wrong_ _  
_ _Come back to me, baby, we can work this out_

 

Neil was singing along to the song now with a dumb ass grin plastered across his face and Andrew hated how much he didn't hate it.

“Hey Fox King,” Andrew leaned in.

“What do you want?” Neil rolled his eyes as the music played behind them.

“You know there are two mics up there, right?” Andrew said with the raise of an eyebrow.  
Neil looked back at him and then at the stage again before turning in his chair and meeting Andrew's eyes with a small smile. “I do.”

“ _This_ is a song to be proud of, go sing it.”

Andrew rolled his eyes as Neil jumped from the seat and made a mad dash to the stage before the chorus hit. The audience broke into a cheer as Neil climbed up the front of the stage and grabbed the mic, leaning into it and letting his voice blend into Allison's before he took over solo for the second verse.

 

_Oh baby, come on, let me get to know you_  
_Just another chance so that I can show_  
_That I won't let you down and run_  
_No, I won't let you down and run_  
_Cause I could be the one_  
_I could be the one_  
_I could be the one_  
_I could be the one_

 

_I see in blue, I see in blue, I see in blue_  
_Oh, when you see everything in red_  
_There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you_  
_Do for you, do for you_  
_Oh, cause you got inside my head_

 

Andrew was vaguely aware of Roland's presence behind him as he watched and took in the sound of Neil's voice. “That was uncharacteristically nice of you.”

Andrew turned to him with a blank and unamused stare. “Shut up and hand me a pen.”

He held his hand open for the pen that Roland pulled from his apron pocket and reached for a stray napkin, spreading it out on the bar and writing down a few lines on it before crumpling it into a ball and shoving it into his pocket. He spent the rest of the night pissed off that he was struck with fucking inspiration for a song that he couldn't ignore no matter how hard his mind screamed at him.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Neil left The Fox Hole that night on a dizzying high that was better than any other he'd ever experienced, at least the ones that he could remember. Being on stage with Allison, singing one of their old songs, getting that response, getting that response from _Andrew._ It was enough to almost wipe away the dirt and grime of the night before. He could get used to this, just singing a song for fun, going on stage when he felt like letting loose, having other people enjoy his words instead of record executives picking them apart and adding in their opinions which were hilariously misinformed.

He was all too aware that he was running on fumes but desperately held onto the feeling he was experiencing because he knew all it would take was a single nightmare when his head finally hit the pillow later to rip it all away from him.

It was about two blocks from the bar that he realized there was something missing, he couldn't quite put it into place but something about him felt off. He stood in the middle of the sidewalk running a hand over his body as the crisp win whipped at him when he finally settled on the back pocket of his jeans and froze. He'd left his wallet back at the bar.

He mulled over two options in his head: go back to get it or leave it until tomorrow. He knew if he went back now he'd fine the bar closed and would either have to beg for Andrew to help him or find another way in, neither seemed fun but he froze in terror when he realized what his wallet held. There were at least four different ID's in it, all with various name's he'd used in the past when he was bouncing around from place to place. He didn't trust Andrew not to snoop and he didn't want to ruin the already fragile peace he felt they achieved tonight by setting off any warning bells in the shorter mans mind.

Neil turned on his heel and broke out into a swift jog, if he moved fast enough he could be back in front of the bar in under five minutes and hopefully catch Andrew before he left. His run ended almost as quickly as his thoughts finished and he was in front of the stone exterior of the building. He gave the door a tug and grimaced when he found it locked. He knocked and received no answer. Fuck. Andrew was probably gone.

A light bulb went off in Neil's head and he spared a pensive look around before he slipped into the back alley of the bar. He fished his phone out of his pocket and flipped on the flashlight, using it to illuminate the narrow corridor and running it along to the wall to find the unassuming loose brick. His hand finally made contact as the brick shifted slightly under his finger and he offered it a weak smile before prying it out and letting out a deep sigh when he saw the spare key he'd hidden there years ago still in the same place, it had lost it's shine and would probably require a tetanus shot if it cut him but it was there. Hopefully Wymack hadn't changed the locks.

The key slipped in silently and Neil let out a thankful breath. He pushed the door open and could already see his wallet on the table he, Allison, and Matt had retreated to from the bar after their performance. He stepped inside and froze when he saw the door to Wymack's apartment was open, Andrew must be staying in it. Suddenly Neil felt like he was going to die that night. He paused again to consider his movements before he heard the soft strum of a guitar from around the corner. He pressed himself against the wall and listened, his jaw falling open at the sound of the voice that was drifting through the bar. He caught a reflection and saw that it was Andrew and he was sitting on the stage with his legs crossed and a guitar draped over him, stopping every so often to scribble on a piece of paper next to him. _He was writing a song_.

 

_Down on the West Coast they got a sayin'_  
_"If you're not drinkin' then you're not playin'."_  
_But you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?_

 

Andrew strummed the guitar along to his voice in a simple yet effective chord progression before stopping and making a few marks on his paper. After a second of silence he began to play again by picking up where he left off.

_Down on the West Coast I get this feeling_  
_Like it all could happen that's why I'm leaving_  
_You for the moment, you for the moment, Boy Blue, yeah, you_

That tight feeling inside Neil's chest returned and he had to catch himself against the wall to stop from falling and even then he felt his knees weaken and he almost slid down it. His breath hitched as the music stopped once again and a few grumbles came from the direction of Andrew.

“Does that work? That's so fucking stupid? I hate you.”

 

_Your flyin' high at the show, I'm feeling hot to the touch_  
_You say you'll miss me the most, I say I'll miss you so much_  
_But something keeps me really quiet, I'm alive, I'm a lush_

 

Neil had to remind himself to breathe. He felt so fucking wrong for doing this, for listening in on Andrew in a private moment. He'd have a fit if anyone did this to him yet something inside of him wouldn't let him stop. He had to keep listening and he had to hear the rest of this song. Unfortunately for him, Andrew had another idea. He let out a loud growl and suddenly the pen was flying across the bar, bouncing and rolling and landing in front of Neil's feet.

Neil sucked in a deep breath and stepped around the corner and met Andrew in a tense stare.

“Look who finally came out of hiding.” Andrew scoffed.

“I wasn't there for long.” Neil said weakly.

“Whatever.” Andrew said with a dark undertone as he sat his guitar aside, “How did you get in?”

“Wymack told me where the spare key was years ago.” Neil shrugged, holding up the rusty key in front of him as if it was some sort of shield.

“Lucky you, he didn't even tell me there was a spare.”

“He probably forgot.”

“Probably.”

Andrew scooped up the piece of paper, crumbling it into a ball, and shoved it in his pocket before jumping off the stage and crossing towards Neil at a dangerously brisk pace. “Why are you here?”

“I left my wallet.” Neil said, flicking his head to the table across from him.

“Oh.” Andrew shrugged, “I was just about to open it to find out who it belonged to.”

Crisis averted. Well, at least one crisis.

“Well, now that I have it I'll get out of here.” Neil said with a tremble in his voice and turned away from Andrew after reaching over and sliding it off the table. He only made it a few steps before a hand caught the back of his collar and pulled him to a stop. The sudden tightness around his throat tensed his entire body and he had to fight tooth and nail to not turn around with the swing of a fist, fighting every natural urge his body had taught him about being restrained over his life. He knew it was Andrew and not his mother and for some reason that added a little peace to his mind.

Andrew must have felt the tension him though as he immediately released to collar and stepped back with his hands placed firmly behind his back. Neil turned slowly, with only a slight tremble giving himself away, and offered a weak smile. “Yes?”

Andrew gave him a pensive look as if he was crunching numbers in his head and attempting to figure out where he wanted the conversation to go. “Ask me something.”

“What?” Neil raised an eyebrow.

“You were an idiot and sang a personal song because of me last night so I learned something about you, it's only fair you learn something about me.” Andrew said with no expression on his face to betray his inward thoughts.

Neil's mind started racing, there were only about 700 questions he'd wanted to ask Andrew but something about this sudden declaration felt like a test. “I heard your song, we're even.”

It was brief but Neil caught it, a flicker of approval flashed across Andrew's face. “I'll ask you something then.”

“What?” Neil laughed.

“You eavesdropped so that earns me another question.” Andrew shrugged.

Neil nodded, unsure who made up these rules. “Only if I get to ask you one after.”

Andrew didn't say either yes or no to that and instead launched into his question. “Why does Allison call you Nate?”

Neil let out a soft laugh, Andrew was going far softer than he figured he would. “It was my name when she first met me.”

Andrew nodded but was otherwise unimpressed.

“Why did Wymack let you run this place?” Neil asked after a long pause.

“He's an old friend of mine, I needed somewhere to stay after I finally left California and he let me crash on his couch for a few months before asking me to run the place while he ran off with his girlfriend.” Andrew shrugged.

Neil nodded, it seemed that the way it worked was that they only answered the direct question without any need for elaboration and he was more than fine with it. It was a few more seconds before he spoke again. “Can we play another round?”

“Another round? This a game to you, Fox King?”

“Stop calling me that. And you're the one making up the rules.”

Andrew nodded and a small, satisfied grin moved across his face for only a few seconds before he turned and walked back to the bar. Neil realized in that moment that it was the first time he'd ever seen Andrew make anything close to a smile.

“Have you an Allison ever been together?” Andrew asked as he picked up a glass to wipe it down.

A loud, throaty laugh escaped Neil before he could stop it and he took a second to catch his breath before he answered. “No. God no. Fifteen years and nothing as innocent as a kiss.”

“Why?” Andrew shot back before Neil could ask his next question.

“I'm not attracted to her. I've never been attracted to anyone, really.” Neil shrugged before considering an odd clarification, “Men or women.”

Andrew quirked an eyebrow but was otherwise unmoved. “Your turn.”

“You write songs?”

“Not usually. This was the first one in a while.”

Neil only nodded, honestly too afraid from what he'd heard earlier to try and follow up with asking what made him write that one.

Andrew picked up another glass and began to wipe it down before letting out a groan. “Ask another one.”

Neil rumpled his brow, “It's your turn.”

“No.” Andrew shook his head, “I asked two in a row on accident.”

“Don't want to be in my debt?” Neil laughed.

Andrew's body went rigid for a moment and Neil could have sworn he saw Andrew's hands tremble. “No.” 

“How do you know about the Fox King name?” Neil narrowed his eyes.

“It's on a shirt you're wearing in one of the pictures.” Andrew said, flicking his head towards the long wall of black and white photographs behind him.

Neil let out another sigh and leaned in closer to examine a specific section of the wall and sure enough he found the picture of him sitting on stage with his guitar and wearing the fox king shirt still there. He could already feel his mind start to cloud. “It's getting late, I should go.”

Andrew didn't say anything other than a quick glance and a shrug and Neil turned to leave but stopped just short of actually walking through the door. He looked down at the key in his hand and let out a soft groan before turning around and setting it down on the bar and sliding it towards Andrew. “You should have this back.”

Andrew's eyes flicked towards the key and then back to Neil before he placed his index finger on top of it. Neil saw the number crunching look in his dark eyes again before Andrew slid it back across the bar towards him.

“Keep it. But you're at 85%.”

 


	3. Brooklyn Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s a slight warning theres a bit of gross/violent stuff thats mostly canon typical just with my own twist to it 
> 
> and as a note for something near the end of the chapter:  
> Neil = italic words  
> Andrew = bold words  
> :)

 

 

 

 

3

[Brooklyn Baby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5xcnjAG8pE)

 

**Neil**

 

It had been six days since his conversation with Andrew in the bar and Neil spent most of the week in more peace than he had in a long time. He actually slept in for once on Sunday and on Monday he sat around his apartment eating junk food and watching bad TV. Tuesday saw him venture out into Brooklyn and he passed his time ambling through old record stores looking for something that caught his eye and he eventually settled on an old Bruce Springsteen record. Wednesday he went out shopping for a new keyboard, his old one had fried after a power surge during a particularly bad storm last summer and he finally decided that it was time to get a new one. He didn't think he was as good of a writer on a piano as he was on the guitar but it was always nice to have the option. On Thursday he rode with Allison to the airport and saw her off as she boarded a plane to Sweden to work with one of the biggest producers in pop music, she spent the entire car ride begging him to go with her to write with them but he stood his ground on his sabbatical and told her time after time that the only writing he would be doing for at least the next few weeks would be solely for himself. He knew Allison didn't need his help anyway, she was a great songwriter when she put her mind to it and he knew she was just using him as a crutch.

Then it all went to shit.

Neil had fallen asleep early Thursday night with the TV on and at some point during the night something must had come on the TV that subconsciously triggered the memories he had so deeply buried. He could still remember the dream like it just happened.

He was back in that dark basement and his hands were tied above his head. He could smell the distinct odor of charred flesh and he had just enough room to move his head where if he angled it just right he could see the still smoking bones of his father in the corner. He could hear the screams that his father let out as the flames licked against his skin. He could hear the sound of Lola's laugh as she walked down the stairs when she was content that he'd spent enough time alone in the dark room with his fathers body. He could feel her hand as it trailed up his body, slowly making its way up the inside of his leg and grabbing him...there...before she relented and spit on him. He could feel the burn of his skin when she picked up the superheated piece of metal and dragged it against his body before holding the lighter up to his cheek and digging in in deep, burning away the skin and nerve endings until he mercifully couldn't feel it anymore. He could feel the piece of metal burning his palms as he shoved the rod in her eye and twisted it after he manged to get himself free of his restraints. He could feel the cut of his mothers knives against his skin as she pinned him to the wall and punished him for disabling her favorite acolyte.

Neil woke with a scream, furiously clawing at his sheets and tossing around as he felt the world close in on his. He jumped from the bed and fumbled his way across the hall to his bathroom and threw himself against the wall before sliding down it and curling himself into a ball on the floor. He stayed in that position for what felt like an hour, silently hugging himself and rocking back and forth, trying desperately not to pull on his hair if only because he couldn't get Allison's warning out of his head.

When he finally felt like he'd had enough time to settle his shaking body he got up off the floor, using the tub as an anchor to pull himself up. He reached over and flicked on the light before bowing his head to the sink and splashing a handful of water on his face. When he caught his own reflection he froze. There she was staring back at him, he was the spitting image of his mother. He had her same unruly auburn hair, the same angular cheekbones, the nose that curved slightly to the left, and the deep, haunting, and vacant ice blue eyes. The only thing that he could use to tell himself apart from her in the haze was the scars on his jaw and the jagged burns on his cheek. Before he could think about what he was doing Neil sent his fist careening into the mirror, shattering it into pieces and furiously shredding his already scared and mangled hand. His hand didn't hurt, he'd long since deduced that when someone has done to your body what so many people did to his you lost the ability to feel any real amount of pain. What was a cut up hand when you've literally been tied down and cut open?

Still, he knew he would probably feel some side effect if his wounds got infected so he started off towards the kitchen to disinfect his hand and bandage it. His eye caught the clock and saw it was nearly 1am and he let out an indignant sigh knowing he was in for a long night of no sleep.

He grabbed his packet of cigarettes off the counter and opened the small window in his living room before stepping out onto the fire escape. His apartment was well above the sidewalk and it always gave him a rush when he stood out here to breathe in the smell of his cigarettes. It was a rush to know all it would take to send him over the edge was one step. One step and he'd be on the ground in a matter of seconds. It wasn't that he was particularly suicidal or anything, though the thought had crossed his mind a few times, but more of a running commentary about how quick you could find yourself dead.

The cigarette burned down to the filter without him taking a single drag and he dropped it over the railing, watching as it fell before it disappeared from his sight and he turned to crawl back into the window.

Neil fell to the couch once he was back inside and began to absentmindedly mess around with his phone, scrolling through twitter and checking his mentions but finding nothing to hold his attention. There was only one place he thought he could go right now that would be of any comfort to him since Allison was unavailable to talk due to the time difference. He threw himself off of his couch, taking care not to mess with the bandages on his hand, and walked back to his room to find something for fitting for The Fox Hole than his ratty pajamas.

As he pulled off his shirt he took stock of all the marks across his body and let out another sigh. Sometimes he felt so fucking disgusting. His body was a patchwork of abuse and torture and for once he was actually thankful for something his mother did, he was glad she cut and burned the ability to love out of him because it meant that he never had to expose this part of himself to anyone he could ever truly care about.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

The week in between Neil and Allison's visits to The Fox Hole did nothing to halt its growing popularity, in fact, it only increased it. A steady crowd had grown during the week and began to overtake the usual flow of regulars who stopped in for a drink or two during weeknights. As it stood now this Thursday night crowd was almost as big as a weekend one and it was running him ragged.

Andrew let out a pained sigh and rested his forehead against the back of the bar in an attempt to tune out the world around him, only tensing when he felt a presence behind him. “What do you want, Roland?”

“A lot of things,” Roland laughed, “But right now? Some fucking help. This is insane.”

“Yeah.” Andrew rolled his eyes and turned to face the other man, “You can thank your friends for that.”

Roland ignored his dig and busied himself making a cocktail for another customer before speaking again, “We're going to need more help if this keeps up.”

Hiring a new person was the last thing Andrew wanted to deal with and he gave Roland a low growl, “We can handle it just fine between you, me, and the other two bartenders.”

“For now, yeah.” Roland shook his head, “But what about tomorrow night when I have to spend half of my time running the open mic night? The three of you are going to drown.”

Fuck, Andrew hadn't thought of that. He let out another growl and flicked Roland away with his wrist.

All he knew at this point was that the next time he saw Neil Josten, if he ever saw him again, he was going to give the man a piece of his mind. Not that he was waiting for it or anything, not at all. He hadn't spent the entire week watching the door out of the corner of his eye every time it opened. He hadn't been keeping an eye out for a tuft of auburn hair or those striking blue eyes. Not. At. All.

Andrew let out another sigh and continued his watch on the door out of the corner of his eye until someone else who came in caught his eye, it wasn't who he wanted to see but it was still a nice surprise.

“Healing up nicely, I see.” Renee smiled as she dropped into the stool in front of him.

Andrew rolled his eyes and gave her a sarcastic smile. Of course she came out of their sparring sessions without a mark on her even though he knew he landed a few good blows. But there was something different about her tonight, he just couldn't put his finger on it.

“Yeah,” Andrew rubbed the welt on the back of his head, “I thought all that time on the road with little miss muffet would have dulled your skills.”

“You'd be surprised, Allison and I have been working together, she's quite a quick learner.” Renee laughed.

There was something he'd have to see, Allison Reynolds and Renne sparring. He could just picture Allison with her hair bunched up in a ponytail, hopping around in some kind of ridiculous designer gym outfit while Renne threw jab after jab at her. It wasn't what he expected but he'd long given up on trying to figure out why she stuck around for what had to be a miserable job as a personal assistant.

“Invite her to our next session then.” Andrew shrugged.

“I'd be careful about that, she's still pretty mad at you for how you treated Neil.” Renee shook her head.

“Jesus Christ, what is it with those two?” Andrew groaned, “Why is she so fucking protective over him?”

“It's not my story to tell.” Renee shifted her eyes away from Andrew and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible.

He knew there had to be some kind of story behind it but judging from Renee's reaction it might be something heavier than he'd expected.

“Whatever, like I care about his sob story anyway.” Andrew rolled his eyes, “What are you even doing here?”

“Allison gave me the week off while she was in Sweden working on some new songs so I've just been trying to kill time and I figured I would come see you.” Renee smiled.

“Sweden?” Andrew leaned forward on the bar a bit, “Did Neil go with her?”

“For someone who doesn't care about Neil you sure do ask a lot of questions about him.” Renee raised an eyebrow and bit back a smile, “But no, she tried to get him to but he told her no.”

So he actually does have the capacity to deny a request from Allison. Interesting.

“Great, he'll probably show up here to bug me then.” Andrew sighed, feeling equal parts hopeful and annoyed.

“Your voice says one thing but your eyes say another.” Renee laughed.

“Just drop it!” Andrew groaned and poured himself a drink, ignoring the customers that were barking their own orders at him.

He tossed the shot of whiskey down his throat and chased it with a swig of beer and turned away from Renee to go help Roland who looked like he was drowning at the other end of the bar.

After a few minutes of doing his actual job he returned to Renee and finally noticed what was different. “Where's your cross?”

“My?” Renee's eyes went wide as she reached up to her neck to feel for the cross that hung there constantly, “I must have forgotten it after I got out of the shower.”

“Forgotten it? In the years I've known you I've never seen you without it on, even when you're beating the shit out of me.” Andrew gasped.

“I've gotten so used to not wearing it around Neil when we were on tour that sometimes I forget to put it on now.” Renee let a small frown cover her face for a moment before she shook it off, “Not that it matters, I don't need a necklace to show me devotion.”

“Why the fuck wouldn't you wear it around Neil?” Andrew growled, almost involuntarily.

Fuck, another question about Neil.

“Again with the Neil questions,” Renee winked, “I don't know the full story. Allison asked me to one night after Neil had a...moment when he saw it. She knows how much my faith means to me so I knew if she seriously asked me to it must be important.”

“You know there a laws against that! Religious freedom stuff or whatever, she's your boss!” Andrew growled again.

“She's also my friend and Neil is like her brother. If you had seen what I saw, how he reacted, you would have done the same thing.” Renee frowned.

“Maybe I'll get one and start wearing it when he's around then.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“You will do no such thing, Andrew.” Renee snapped, “I know you like to push peoples buttons and try and find their weak points but...I know very little about what happened to him when he was younger and I wouldn't even mention it if I didn't _know you_ and know that you'd actually do something like that just to get a reaction. Do not do it.”

Andrew looked at her like he was seeing an entirely new person for the first time. He knew his jaw had to be on the ground but he couldn't do much to pick it up. Renee had never snapped at him like that, nor had she ever actually called him out for his talent to find what bothers a person and pick at it but something about her voice scared him  and he felt a bit of the old Renee slip out. “I...”

“Promise me.” Renee's eyes narrowed as she kept her voice low and foreboding.

“Yeah.” Andrew blinked, “I promise.”

“Good!” Renee smiled, “Now can I get a drink or something?”

Andrew blinked at her now grinning face and somehow that was even more terrifying that she was a few seconds before, she had the ability to go from dark and dangerous to light and fluffy in less than a second flat and now he was even more pissed off that Neil could inspire such dedication from a person he probably wasn't even that close to. What the fuck was up with Neil and why was he still Andrew's every other thought?

He let out a sigh and pushed back on the bar to turn and make her a drink.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Neil fisted his hands in his pockets as he walked down the dark sidewalk. The night air was soothing on his face and he felt a chill roll through him as a particular gust of wind caught the sensitive skin of the scar on his cheek

He'd forgone a cab or uber, not in the mood to be locked in a small space with a stranger he had no control over, and walked to The Fox Hole. His feet seemed to move automatically underneath him to their destination and he'd made it the distance from his apartment to the bar in just under half an hour.

It was mildly concerning to him that the first place he'd thought to go after his nightmare and subsequent panic attack was The Fox Hole. He tried to tell himself it was because it was one of the only places in the entire city that he felt like he actually felt like he wasn't out of place, that it had so many fond memories for him that it would outweigh the bad ones that were bouncing in his head. And while all of that may have been true in one way or another there was a small, but very loud, part of him that wanted to go because he wanted to see Andrew.

Every time he thought of Andrew that tight feeling in his chest returned. He still had no name for it and couldn't come up with any type of reason to explain why when he was scared and alone he wanted to see that blonde haired, annoying, terrible little midget...but he did. Maybe he'd work up the courage to ask Allison what she thought of it when she got back but for now all he wanted to do was try to satisfy the feeling in his chest.

When he got to the door of The Fox Hole he stood motionless. It was half an hour past closing time and he was almost too scared to try the door to see if it was locked. He held the key in his hand and turned it over a few times unsure if he would actually use it if the door was locked. Andrew had told him to keep the key, which contributed to his weird feeling whenever he thought of him, but he had no idea if Andrew had meant it as an open invitation to just let himself in whenever he wanted. He reached out a tentative hand and breathed a sigh of relief when she door moved under his pull. He waited another second before stepping inside.

“Sorry, we're closed.” Roland said from behind the bar with his back to Neil as he was stacking liquor bottles back onto the high shelves.

Neil let out a small laugh and kept forward in his movement, both happy and slightly disappointed to have seen Roland first instead of Andrew. “I'm sure you can make an exception for a friend.”

Roland turned and met him with a smile, “Just don't tell my boss.”

“Tell your boss what?” Andrew scoffed as his head popped up from behind the bar and he slung a wash rag over his shoulder, “Drop anymore bottles and it'll be you on the floor cleaning this shit up.”

Neil felt that feeling in his chest return as he saw Andrew and let out an involuntary sigh when he stretched his arms above his head to work out a kink in his back. Neil was never one to really notice physical features but even he couldn't deny how good Andrew's biceps looked as they flexed under his movement.

“Neil.” Andrew blinked as he finally caught sight, “You look like shit.”

Neil let out a small laugh, “Tell me about it.”

“He's right,” Roland frowned, “and I don't say that often. Come sit down, I'll get you a glass of water.”

“He looks like he needs a glass of bourbon more.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“Water will be fine.” Neil shook his head as he took a seat in front of Andrew.

“Why are you here?” Andrew said with no discernible emotion.

“You gave me a key.” Neil shrugged, “I couldn't sleep.”

“Andrew gave you a key?” Roland gasped as his eyes went wider than Neil had ever seen them before.

“I didn't give him a key.” Andrew barked, “I let him keep one he already had.”

“I tried to give it back.” Neil shrugged.

Neil felt the urge to make himself as small as possible so he lowered his head to the bar and tried to avoid eye contact with either of the men as they looked him over.

“Hmm.” Roland hummed.

“What?” Andrew scoffed.

“I was thinking about what I said earlier, about needing help for open mic night.” Roland nodded.

“What about it?” Andrew said with a question in his voice.

“What if Neil runs it from now on?” Roland smiled.

“What?” Neil gasped as he shot his head up.

“No.” Andrew said quickly and succinctly.

“Don't be like that.” Roland rolled his eyes, “Would you have any interest, Neil?”

Neil scrunched his brow together and already felt the frown on his face, “I don't know?”

“He doesn't have any interest.” Andrew said.

Neil narrowed his eyes at Andrew and considered the possibility. It would give him something to do during his break, or at least give him something to look forward to during the week. “I haven't done that in so long.”

“It's just a little bit of hosting,” Roland shrugged, “you used to do it back in the day and not much has changed. Just gotta keep the show rolling and it would give me a break since we've gotten busier.”

Neil gave his lip a pensive bite before he looked back at Andrew who looked like he wanted to scream. “I don't think Andrew wants me to.”

“I don't want you here now but here you are.” Andrew shook his head.

“That doesn't sound like a no.” Roland smiled.

Neil caught Andrew in an intense stare before he finally spoke again, “I'm not paying you.”

Neil let out a small laugh as he took in the sight of Andrew who was looking down at him with what seemed to be an almost unnoticeable smile on the corner of his mouth, “I don't need the money.”

Roland offered up a loud cheer and walked around the bar towards Neil who was hardly paying him any attention, lost somewhere the between lack of sleep and his focus on Andrew's lips . It was for that reason he was caught so off guard when Roland came up behind him and let a heavy hand fall on his back with a thud. What was normally a gesture of friendship registered in Neil's sleep deprive and panicked mind as an attack. He let out an involuntary scream and fell from the stool, rolling to the ground and skittering away on the floor before he settled himself under one of the tables, curling himself into as small of a ball as possible.

Neil felt all his fear from earlier in the night return in a dark wave and began to rock back and forth, his fingers running up into his hair and beginning to pull at it.

“Get out, Roland.” Andrew snapped as he cast a dark glance to Roland.

“I...uh...we still have to clean.” Roland stammered as his eyes flicked between the retreated Neil and an angry Andrew.

“Get the fuck out,” Andrew warned, “I'll take care of the rest. See you tomorrow.”

Neil only vaguely registered Roland's feet as they walked past him and out the door. He stayed in that position, slowly rocking for what seemed like an eternity before he finally raised his head slightly and saw Andrew sitting in front of him with his legs crossed. Neil tried to speak but he couldn't make any words form, everything he tried to say just came out as a strangled gurgle.

Andrew continued to sit in front of him quietly before Neil saw his arm move forward. He knew deep inside that Andrew wasn't trying to hurt him but his brain was reacting to everything with fear and he let out another pained cry and tried to scurry away even further as Andrew's arm moved closer to him.

“Hey, hey,” Andrew said softly, moving himself back and holding up both hands, “I was just trying to give you this water bottle.”

Neil looked down to the floor and saw the bottle sitting in front of him and nodded slowly as he put two and two together. “I...”

“Don't talk, just drink.” Andrew said as he stood up and walked back behind the bar.

Neil shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind and reached out for the water, furiously downing half of the bottle before stopping to take a deep breath.

“Are you staying under there all night?” Andrew asked from across the room.

Neil took another breath, seriously considering doing just that for a second, before he crawled out from under the table and pulled himself up. “Sorry.”

“Don't be.” Andrew shrugged as he continued wiping down the bar with his back to Neil.

“I don't know what happened.” Neil lied.

“Yes you do.” Andrew laughed.

How the fuck could Andrew read him so well after only two meetings and with his back turned to him?

“I came here because I couldn't go back to sleep after a nightmare, I didn't know where else to go, I guess I'm still on edge.” Neil sighed.

“I didn't ask.” Andrew said, throwing the rag into a bucket across the room and turning back to face Neil.

“Roland caught me off guard.” Neil shook his head, “I'm not good with people touching me when I'm not aware.”

Neil registered a quick flash of something across Andrew's face but he couldn't tell what exactly it was. Pity? Empathy?

“You going to be able to work with him tomorrow?” Andrew asked as he folded his arms across his chest.

“Roland isn't the problem, just wrong place wrong time.” Neil shook his head before the rest of Andrew's words hit him, “Wait? You actually want me to help out?”

“I'm not going to ask twice.” Andrew deadpanned.

“Yeah...” Neil trialed off.

“Good. Now help me clean up some.” Andrew sighed and a second rag from behind his back to Neil who caught it out of the air with confusion.

“Huh?” Neil laughed.

“Roland wasn't done helping me clean.” Andrew shrugged.

Neil nodded and silently began helping Andrew clean the rest of the bar.

They worked in silence for a few minutes until Andre finally spoke. “I can feel how tense you are from here.”

“Sorry.” Neil frowned.

“What calms you down because you're seriously putting me on edge.” Andrew sighed.

“Sorry.” Neil repeated, “I can leave.”

“And stick me with having to clean up by myself? Fuck no.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“The only thing that relaxes me anymore is music.” Neil sighed.

“Do you think about anything other than music or writing?” Andrew laughed.

Neal let out a compressed breath and rocked back and forth on his heels as he twisted the rag in his hand. “Not really.”

“Fucking junkie.” Andrew sighed and walked across the bar to the old jukebox in the corner, “Any requests?”

Neil raised and eyebrow and watched in fascination as Andrew glared back at him, completely shocked that he was actually trying to help calm him. “Surprise me.”

Andrew let out a low growl before punching something into the machine and stepping away. A few seconds of silence lingered before music started to float through the space. It only took a second for Neil to realize what was playing. “The Velvet Underground?”

“What?” Andrew scoffed, “Not a fan?”

“No.” Neil clarified, “A huge fan. I love Lou Reed.”

Neil closed his eyes and let the music wash over him. Andrew had cued up Pale Blue Eyes and Neil felt his breath hitch. This wasn't the first time Andrew had made what he thought was a reference to his eyes and it made that weird feeling return to his chest again.

“You're useless.” Andrew growled as he stepped around Neil to finish cleaning off a table.

Neil turned at the exact same time Andrew stepped around him and their hands brushed together. It was just the lightest of touches but there was something electric to it. He felt the goosebumps raise on his skin as a slight chill traveled down his spine. He could have sworn he saw the raised bumps on Andrew's neck too.

They worked in silence for close to another half an hour. Neither of them had even looked at each other in the entire time since they shared the touch and as Neil opened his mouth to speak he was stunned silent by Andrew beginning to absentmindedly hum a melody.

Neil's mouth fell open as he listened to the soft sound come from Andrew, it was a complete juxtaposition from his actual appearance it it sent his mind flying back to the night he heard him singing. There was something beautiful about the tune and Neil couldn't take his eyes off of him.

“Staring.” Andrew said with his back still to Neil.

“Sorry.” Neil laughed, “What is that melody?”

“What?” Andrew said as he turned to face him.

“Your humming. That melody was beautiful.” Neil smiled.

“It wasn't a melody, it was just humming.” Andrew groaned.

“It would make a good song. Keep doing it. And give me a pen and paper.” Neil nodded as he sat at a table and looked at Andrew.

“What?” Andrew raised an eyebrow.

“I'm inspired, I want to write something.” Neil shrugged, “Pen and paper please.”

“Just use your phone.” Andrew grunted.

Neil wrinkled his nose and laughed, “No. I only write with pen and paper.”

Andrew looked at him for a long minute before letting another growl come from his throat. Neil frowned and figured it was a lost cause to argue and settled himself in for the disappointment at losing an idea for a good song and laid his forehead on the table with a groan.

It was only a few seconds before he felt something tap against his head and he looked up to see Andrew standing in front of him with a pen and a blank piece of paper. “Don't mope.”

Neil felt a goofy smile cross his face and he decided to press his luck even more by pulling out his phone and opening up the audio recording app. “Hum that melody into this, please.”

“Excuse me?” Andrew gasped.

“I need to hear it again.” Neil nodded.

Andrew glared at him and leaned into the phone, “86%”

Neil quirked an eyebrow and was ready to return his phone to his pocket when he heard Andrew begin to begrudgingly hum into the phone.

Neil s eyes went wide as Andrew sat across from him at the table and he was acutely aware of the eyes on him as he furiously scrawled a verse and chorus across the plain white paper before letting out a sigh. “That's it.”

“All of that for a verse and a chorus?” Andrew shook his head.

“I said I was inspired, I didn't say it would be a full song.” Neil said.

“I could do better than that.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“Then do it.” Neil challenged him.

Neil suppressed the urge to laugh as he saw the look of shock that crossed Andrew's face at the challenge. “Excuse me.”

“Write a song and see if it's better than mine, unless you're scared it wont be.” Neil narrowed his eyes.

Andrew looked him over for a minute as if he was considering either agreeing to the challenge or punching him in the face.

“What's the song about?” Andrew finally asked.

“Just a simple love song.” Neil shrugged.

“Know a lot about love, Josten?” Andrew laughed.

“Not really.” Neil said, “But I don't have to be in love to write a love song.”

Andre rolled his eyes and snatched the paper away from Neil, giving his words a once over before snorting. Neil sat himself back in the chair and watched as Andrew wrote for a few seconds at a time before furiously scribbling words out and replacing them with others.

It was an almost beautiful thing to watch and he felt like he could see into Andrew's mind. He noticed the small flicker of a smile when he seemed to be writing something he liked and it contrasted to the look of disgust right before he ran a line through an entire verse or phrase. He watched as the lines on Andrew's face grew more pronounced, then relaxed, and then pronounced again as he went through a range of emotions.

Eventually Andrew slammed the pen down on the table in defeat before pushing the page to Neil. “I could only manage a verse or two.”

Neil let his eyes coast over the page and smiled at the differences in their handwriting. His own was softer, more elegant and succinct and Andrew's was more jagged, harder to read, and rough. It matched him perfectly.

Neil took a deep breath as he read Andrew's words and paused to consider his next question. “Who's point of view do you write from?”

“What do you mean?” Andrew asked.

“Like, did you just just create some girl in your mind or something? You keep using boyfriend in the lyrics.” Neil bit his lip.

“Why wouldn't I?” Andrew narrowed his eyes.

“No reason, sometimes when I write about stuff I don't write as myself, I create a character and write as him or her.” Neil smiled weakly.

“I only write as myself.” Andrew said quietly.

“Oh.” Neil nodded, “ _Oh_.”

“Yes, Neil.” Andrew feigned excitement, “I'm gay. Hence the boyfriend words.”

“Ah.” Neil hummed.

“Does it bother you?” Andrew leaned forward and folded his hands into a ball.

Neil felt his eyes go wide and his breath catch, “No. Why should it?”

“Just wondering.” Andrew said as he got up from the table.

“Hey.” Neil bit his lip.

“What now?” Andrew groaned.

Neil let his eyes drift between the page of lyrics and Andrew's face before he worked up the nerve to ask his question. “Would you mind if I...combined our lyrics?”

“Seriously?” Andrew asked as his eyes glazed over.

“Seriously.” Neil nodded.

“You want to retroactively write a song together?” Andrew shook his head.

“Yes.” Neil said quietly.

Andrew took a step away from him before he stopped in his tracks and rubbed the back of his head. “Do whatever you want, Neil, but I better not hear this on the radio.”

“Can I have a sharpie?”

“You're so fucking needy.”

“I just want a way to differentiate our words!”

The room was silent for a second as Andrew disappeared into the back office and then Neil was suddenly hit in the side of the head with the marker.

“Can I play it for you after?” Neil asked.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Neil.” Andrew groaned.

Neil felt his body still at the words and swallowed hard, closing his eyes and gripping the table to center himself for more than a few seconds. When he opened them again he found Andrew standing right in front of him with a quizzical look on his face and a guitar from the side of the stage in his hand.

“Make this quick, I'm tired.”

Neil took a deep breath and rubbed his temples to shake off the tiny bit of fear that was taken a hold of him before uncapping the marker and alternating between it and the pen. After a few minutes Neil looked down in satisfaction at a nearly complete song in front of him with his words written in pen and Andrew's in the bold sharpie. It only took one look at the paper for Neil to see that he'd used far more of Andrew's words than his own. Fuck, Andrew was a good damn writer. 

Andrew gave the paper a fleeting look before turning back to Neil and thrusting the guitar at him. “Get this over with.”

“I have to name it first.” Neil smiled and looked at the top of the page before letting out a sigh. “[Brooklyn Baby.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5xcnjAG8pE)”

Andrew rolled his eyes and began to step away from the table until he was stopped by Neil. “Wait, sign your name under the title.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, you deserve credit. I used more of your lyrics than mine.”

“87%” Andrew huffed before grabbing the paper away and scrawling his name underneath Neil with the sharpie.

“Do you want to hear it?” Neil asked.

“For some reason I don't think you're going to let me _not_ hear it.” Andrew said in a flat tone.

Neil smiled and picked up the guitar, strumming it and getting a feel for the instrument before testing out how he wanted to translate the melody into actual music. After a few minutes of experimentation he settled on how he wanted it to sound and looked up to see Andrew watching him with intense eyes from his seat on top of the bar.

Neil gave him a smile, which Andrew didn't react to of course, and cleared his throat before he turned on the audio recording app on his phone again began to play the song.

 

 **They say I'm too young to love you** _  
I don't know what I need  
_ **They think I don't understand  
The freedom land of the seventies** _  
I think I'm too cool to know ya  
_ **You say I'm like the ice I freeze**  
_I'm churning out novels like_  
 _Beat poetry on Amphetamines_  
**I say  
I say**

 

 **Well, my boyfriend's in a band  
****He plays guitar while I sing Lou Reed** _ **  
** _ _I've got feathers in my hair_  
_I get down to Beat poetry_  
_And my jazz collection's rare_ **  
I can play most anything  
I'm a Brooklyn baby  
I'm a Brooklyn baby**

**  
  
They say I'm too young to love you  
They say I'm too dumb to see  
They judge me like a picture book  
By the colors, like they forgot to read  
I think we're like fire and water  
I think we're like the wind and sea  
You're burning up, I'm cooling down  
You're up, I'm down  
** **You're blind, I see** _**  
** _ _But I'm free_   
_I'm free_

 

 _I'm talking about my generation  
Talking about that newer nation  
And if you don't like it  
You can beat it  
Beat it, baby  
_ _You never liked the way I said it_  
_If you don't get it, then forget it_  
_So I don't have to fucking explain it_   
  
**Yeah my boyfriend's pretty cool  
But he's not as cool as me  
Cause I'm a Brooklyn baby  
I'm a Brooklyn baby**

 

“Fuck.” Neil sighed as he sat the guitar down, “This is a really good song, Andrew.”

Andrew hopped down from the bar and sauntered over to Neil. He stopped just short of him and held out his hand, “Give me your phone.”

“What?” Neil coughed.

“Just do it.” Andrew glared.

Neil narrowed his eyes before giving in and handing his phone over to Andrew who messed around with it for a few seconds before thrusting it back to him.

“Now get out of my bar.” Andrew turned his back to him and began to walk up the stairs before stopping, “And you better fucking be on time tomorrow.”

Neil stared at the spot where Andrew had been standing with confusion written all over his face. He finally dared to look down at this phone. He had expected to see that the file of him singing had been deleted but when he realized what he was looking at he felt a huge smile cross his face.

Andrew had saved himself as a contact in Neil's phone and sent himself a copy of the audio file.

 

 


	4. Ultraviolence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hold on to your seats cuz this one gets a lil bumpy (and *very* wordy) near the end with lots of details on canon typical stuff for Neil and Andrew (but again with my own twist and a fair bit more darkness for neil)

 

 

 

 

4

[Ultraviolence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJSk2RySqKg)

 

**Andrew**

 

By the time 5am rolled around Andrew had still not slept for more than a few minutes at a time. It's not as if he ever really slept in general but tonight he was being kept up by something other than the nightmares and dark memories. Tonight he was being kept up by something lighter but as equally frustrating: Neil Josten.

He was finally beginning to see why Allison had taken such an interest in protecting him because Neil was an absolute fucking mess. He kept replying the moment with Roland in his head. One second Neil was smiling and talking to them and then the next Roland was behind him and Neil was on the ground and under the table. It was something that was familiar and alien to Andrew both at the same time. He understood, probably more than anyone, the need to feel safe and to not be touched unless it was agreed to but there was something different about the way that Neil reacted. It wasn't the same reaction as someone like him who'd had their consent taken away from them time and time again. No, it was something that seemed almost darker and more violent, if that was even possible. That fact coupled with the cryptic words Renee had said earlier all combined to create a hazy picture of just what Neil's past could hold.

Andrew assumed it had something to do with his parents as his mind drifted back to the song he played in the bar the first night and then there was also something weird to do with religion. The words in the song, the reaction Renee said he had to her necklace, and the weird tense moment when Andrew had muttered his 'Jesus fucking Christ' out of frustration. It was all so intriguing and frustrating. He hated this feeling, the feeling of wanting to know more about Neil, the feeling of wanting to make sure he never saw Neil react to another person like he did with Roland, the feeling that he wanted to keep Neil...safe.

Andrew let out a long breath and rolled to his side in the bed, resting his bare back against the wall and shivering when the cold brick pressed against him. His hand searched through the darkness to find the phone that had become tangled up in his sheets and he blinked his eyes a few times to combat the rush of light that filled his vision that had long since adjusted to the dark. He hated himself for it but he unlocked his phone and went to his text messages, taking a few seconds to hover his finger over the one he'd sent himself from Neil's phone, and clicked the message he'd received that contained the file of Neil singing.

He took yet another second to make sure he actually wanted to go down this road before he opened the audio file and hit play. A few seconds later the soft sound of an acoustic guitar began to drift out of his speaker. He closed his eyes and his stomach dropped as he pictured Neil's bandaged fingers moving across the strings of the guitar, sliding up and down the chords as if it was second nature to him at this point. The hands that, even bandaged, showed years worth of damage and scars, the hands that he wanted to hold in his own and pull up to his lips just so he could show how much he appreciated them.

“God dammit!” Andrew yelled, picking up his phone and throwing it across the apartment before Neil's voice could come out of it. He didn't want to feel like this, he didn't want to actually care about another man, he didn't want to think about actually wanting to touch someone or the fucking fact that he might actually want someone to touch him.

Neil Josten had done nothing to earn these feelings that were slowly becoming a maelstrom is Andrew's heart. Neil Josten had done nothing but annoy the fuck out of him, make a mess of his bar, and drive him up the wall ever since they first met. So why the fuck was he actually looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night...and every Friday night for as long as he wanted to run the open mic night?

A soft ping from across the apartment drew Andrew's attention to the phone that had settled in on it's new position on the couch. A few seconds later another ping rang out and he begrudgingly got out of bed to go check his text messages. When he picked up the phone and turned it over, after being relieved to see that he didn't shatter yet another phone screen in anger, he almost dropped it again when he saw he had two texts from Neil.

His fingers began to tremble as he unlocked the phone and opened up the messages. The first was a single picture of the sheet of paper they'd both written on earlier that night and Andrew couldn't help but look at it with wide eyes when he saw how Neil had combined their words. Andrew had mostly agreed to Neil's challenge just to be an asshole and spent a few minutes just writing random verses that didn't really go together or make any sense but looking down at Neil's photograph he saw the scribbling of various arrows, smiley faces, and underlines all around Andrew's jumbled words and his breath hitched as he took in how Neil only had to make a few small rewrites to his own words to make them fit together.

Nothing about it made sense. How could these two completely separate messes that made no sense on their own be combined together to create one beautiful thing?

The second message fro Neil was an actual text, “Sorry, I know it's late...or early...but I can't stop thinking about this. See you tomorrow.”

Andrew felt a scowl cover his face and was thankful he was alone because just knew his eyes would have betrayed it. He bit his lip trying to figure out how, or even if, he would reply but before he knew it he had pulled up Neil's contact information and without actually realizing what he was doing he pressed the call button.

He looked down in horror as his phone began to ring and his finger hovered over the 'end' button but it was all too late, Neil had picked up after the first ring.

“Hello?” Neil's voice crackled through the speaker.

Andrew stared down at his hand, still in shock and thoroughly disgusted with himself.

“Andrew? Are you there?” Neil asked again.

Andrew opened his mouth to speak but nothing would come out aside from a hoarse rasp.

“Weird,” Neil mumbled to himself, “must have called me in his sleep.”

He knew Neil was about to hang up and that made him even angrier than the fact that he actually called him in the first place.

“Ask me a question.” Andrew blurted out.

“Andrew? Is that you?” Neil asked.

“No, it's Santa.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“Do you know what time it is?” Neil laughed.

“Said the person who texted me and woke me up.” Andrew lied.

“So what?” Neil asked, “Did you call mean to yell at me?”

Andrew bit his lip and settled himself down on his couch, “I don't know.”

A few seconds of tense silence passed and Andrew thought his phone might have died but before he could check Neil's voice came back through the line, “Why did you write for me tonight?”

“Because I hate you.” Andrew said and it was a truth and a lie all in one.

“Noted.” Neil sighed but Andrew knew he was smiling on the other side of the line, “Your turn.”

“Why did you come here tonight after a nightmare?” Andrew asked.

“Because...” Neil trailed off, “I felt safe.”

“Roland would probably think otherwise.” Andrew grumbled.

“It wasn't Roland, it was just the surprise. I was a little high strung.” Neil sighed.

“When are you ever not high strung?” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“I'm counting that as your question,” Neil laughed, “And the answer is when I'm writing or singing.”

“Junkie.” Andrew groaned, “Your turn, two in a row.”

“Why do you hate me?”

“Because you drive me crazy.” _And because I want to kiss you._

“Do you actually want me there tomorrow night?”

“Yes.”

Andrew mimed holding a gun to his temple and blowing out his brain at the honesty of his last answer.

“Your turn.” Neil breathed.

“Why are you just a writer when you enjoy singing so much?” Andrew asked.

Neil let out a soft and pained groan and Andrew heard what sounded like a window slide open, Neil let out a few choice words as he strained and then he heard the clanking of something metal and wind whipping in the speaker against the background noises of the city in the distance. If he had to guess he'd say Neil was probably on a balcony or something. He heard the flick of a lighter and then Neil finally spoke, “You've seen my face.”

Andrew's mouth fell open and he hoped against everything he believed in that he didn't make any audible sounds, “I've noticed it, yes.”

“Then you know it's not exactly the most marketable of things for the type of music the label wanted.” Neil let out another sigh and the lighter flicked again, “Allison tried to fight them on it but I didn't really want to be in the spotlight anyway after everything...so I was more comfortable being behind the scenes and leading her band.”

Andrew bit his lip as he tried to fight off a frown, “That's pretty fucked up.”

“It's whatever,” Neil shifted and the metal under him creaked again, “I accepted long before Allison that I was hideous. When you look how I do it's something you kind of just have to get used to.”

Andrew blinked a few times, stunned by the words, and if he thought his heart had any capacity to break then he wagered it would have right then. “I don't think a few scars on your face makes you hideous, maybe a little rough around the edges, but that's a bit dramatic.”

“Yeah...” Neil trailed off and Andrew heard a small, strangled choke on the other end of the line, “my face.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds with the only sound coming out of the phone was the sounds from the street below Neil and just as Andrew opened his mouth to prompt him for another question Neil spoke first, “I should try to get some sleep...thanks for the call, Andrew.”

And the line clicked dead before Andrew could even respond. He sat in the dark for several minutes trying to make sense of all the feelings bubbling inside of him. The only thing he could come up with was the irrevocable fact that he hated every inch of Neil Josten, except maybe those scars on his face, he might want to kiss those.

Before he threw his phone across the room again he tapped out one final text to Neil before putting it on silent and sliding it across the floor and into his kitchen so he wouldn't be tempted to check for a reply when he got back in bed.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Morning came far later for Neil than he thought it would. By the time he woke up it was almost 1pm and he realized that shortly after getting off the phone with Andrew he actually felt comfortable enough to close his eyes without worrying about what he might see behind him. It all added to the mystery that was Andrew Minyard and once again confused every piece of Neil. He'd never thought of anyone like he thought of Andrew, he never wanted to talk to a person about nothing, he never felt the urge to run to someone instead of away from someone, he never felt anything. He'd spent so long as nothing that he had no idea what was happening when he was feeling something.

He reached out for his phone, intending to call Allison since the time difference at this point wouldn't be too extreme, and froze when he saw he had a text from Andrew that came in only a few minutes after they'd hung up last night. He kicked himself for missing it since he put his phone on silent in an effort to actually sleep in. He opened the text and felt an involuntary smile cross his face when he read the simple message.

“88%”

Neil bit his lip and looked down at his phone, he typed out message after message, deleting every single one of them before he finally settled on what to send.

“See you tonight.”

God, he felt so fucking dumb and he needed to get Allison's take on the whole situation so he punched in her number by memory and waited for her to answer.

“Hallå!” Allison beamed as she answered the phone, “That's Swedish for hello, by the way.”

“Jag vet.” Neil rolled his eyes, _I know_ in Swedish.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Nate?” Allison asked.

“Just seeing how things are going, you make any progress on the songs?” Neil reclined back into his bed as he listened to a door on the other side of the phone open and close.

“It was insane, we were in the studio for almost 10 hours last night, we got through four songs. This shit is just coming out of everywhere here, Nate. I'm going to have an entire album by the time I fly home on Wednesday.” Allison stumbled over her words through her excitement.

“And you said you were going to take a break.” Neil rolled his eyes.

“Some of these would sound a lot better if you'd tweak them though.” Allison said in her sugary sweet voice she only used when she wanted him to do something.

Neil let out a long sigh and then finally relented, “Send me a few of the demos and I'll listen to them tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Allison groaned, “Why not right now? Or tonight?”

“I can't, I have plans tonight.” Neil mumbled.

“Plans? Are you cheating on me? Who's the new little blonde bimbo who's stolen your heart? I _will_ fight her, don't think I won't!” Allison laughed.

Neil cringed at how accurate some of that was. There was a blonde. But she was a he. And he wasn't a bimbo. And Neil didn't know anything about his heart.

“I could never leave you, if only because you'd hunt me down and drag me back.” Neil laughed, “I'm actually hosting the open mic night at The Fox Hole tonight.”

“What?” Allison gasped.

“They've gotten busier ever since you and I decided to draw attention to it and Roland asked me to so I said yes.” Neil shrugged.

“Roland, huh?” Allison hummed.

“Yeah.” Neil nodded, “Andrew didn't object and said he'd see me tonight though.”

“I bet he did.” Allison said with a weird tone to her voice, one that Neil had never heard before.

Neil tried his best to ignore it, “Before you go, I have a question.”

“What is it?”

“How did you feel when you...first thought you liked someone?” Neil cringed at his own words.

“Like...sexually?” Allison laughed.

“No, Allison.” Neil winced, “Like...I don't know, romantically or something.”

“You're hopeless,” Allison sighed, “Why the sudden interest?”

“No reason,” Neil lied, “I'm just working on something and...I don't think I've ever felt that feeling before so I just needed some input.”

“Let's see...” Allison trailed off, “I can remember the last time I _really_   liked someone for more than just a night or two of fun.”

“Tell me.” Neil closed his eyes and braced himself.

“It was like the whole world stopped when I thought of him. There was always this pressure in my chest, probably my heart or some sappy shit like that, and I always wanted to be around him. I wanted to hold his stupid hand, I wanted him to hold mine. I wanted to run to him when I was scared and I wanted him to just hold me or tell me everything was going to be OK. Any time we touched it felt like I was being electrocuted, it was the most painful and enjoyable thing I'd ever experienced. When I was with him I felt...content and at home.” Allison coughed as she finished, “But that was a long time ago.”

“Shit.” Neil sighed.

“Yeah.” Allison laughed, “You be careful with that...thing you're working on, Nate. Don't give too much of yourself to it, especially when you've already given it more than it might deserve.”

Allison hung up the phone before he could reply, knowing that her words would rattle around in his head all day. She knew more than she was letting on and it pissed him off. But it didn't piss him off as much as realizing that he might actually feel something he'd never felt before, and all of it for Andrew.

As if the universe was listening to his thoughts his phone vibrated with another notification of a text from Andrew.

“89%”

It suddenly struck Neil that he had no idea what Andrew's constant use of percentages meant. He typed out a question in response but deleted it at the last second before he hit send. Something told him this was a question he wanted to ask when he could see Andrew's face.

 

*

 

Neil showed up to The Fox Hole at the exact time Andrew told him to be there, the doors had been opened for about an hour and there was already a steady stream of people filling up the room. His eyes scanned the small but growing crowd, shamelessly looking for one person in particular who was surprisingly easy to find due to his small size and blonde hair.

He caught sight of Andrew from across the room and locked eyes with him and Neil tried his best to bite back the smile that was so dangerously close to forming on his face. He took a deep breath and walked towards him.

“Told you I wouldn't be late.” Neil laughed, resting his hip against the table Andrew was sitting at, “Though you're looking awfully comfortable for someone who should be working."

Andrew looked at him through lowered eyes and let out a low snarl, “Why are you talking to me?”

Neil took a step back in shock, “What?”

“Did your hearing get fucked up along with your face?” Andrew rolled his eyes.

Neil felt the immediate sting behind his eyes and knew he had to get away from Andrew. His world was dangerously close to crashing down around him. He was so fucking stupid, so fucking stupid for not listening to what his mother had threatened him with over and over again for all those years, what she cut and burned him to make sure he couldn't feel. Allison's words from earlier in the day rung out too and he spun on his heel and made a line for the door. “Fuck you, Andrew.”

Neil pushed his way outside onto the sidewalk and braced himself against the wall as the world began to close in around him. The night air felt different against his skin now, instead of gentle touches it seemed to scratch and tug at him. Just as he was about to turn away from the bar his phone beeped with a notification and when he pulled his phone out he saw a single text from Andrew.

“You're late.”

This had to be a fucking joke. Suddenly, Neil felt rage build deep within him, he felt the side of his mother that he tried to keep locked deep down boil up to the surface and he turned back towards the bar, slamming the doors open and zeroing in on Andrew who had moved from the table to behind the bar. He stalked to the area and stood directly in front of him.

“I'd say I'm going to dock your pay for being late but I'm not paying you.” Andrew said without looking at him.

“Are you fucking kidding me, you asshole?” Neil snapped.

“Excuse me?” Andrew glared as his head shot directly to meet Neil's red eyes.

“Is this some kind of game to you? I tell you how I feel about the scars on my face last night and you throw it in my face today just because you're in a fucking bad mood or something? Fuck you, Minyard, fuck you.” Neil growled.

Andrew's eyes went wide as he took a step backwards, “Are you having a rage stroke or something?”

Neil sucked in a deep breath and opened his mouth to lay into Andrew again before he noticed that something was different about him. “You changed your clothes?”

“Seriously, what the fuck, Neil?” Andrew narrowed his eyes.

“You...different outfit...the armbands...you were over there...and you...I'm” Neil stammered as Andrew let out a loud groan and rubbed his hand against the back of his head.

“Fuck.” Andrew sighed before walking around the bar to stand next to Neil, “Aaron! What the fuck did you do?”

Neil sat down in the bar stool next to him, too overcome with confusion to even bother trying to stand, which was for the best because as soon as he hit the seat he looked up and saw two Andrew's standing next to each other.

The first Andrew, the one who had insulted him at the table was wearing a green shirt and cutoff jeans while the second Andrew was in a tight black button up, dark grey skinny jeans, and had his signature armbands on.

Neil stared at them both slack jawed and couldn't find any words to say what he wanted to.

“What the fuck did you do, Aaron?” Andrew spat at his mirror.

“I didn't do anything,” other Andrew shrugged, “This freak came up to me and started talking to me like we were best friends.”

“Don't call me that.” Neil whispered, his voice trembling.

The other Andrew looked at him again and raised an eyebrow, “Freak.”

Before Neil could react he saw a fist fly towards the other Andrew, making contact with his stomach. The other Andrew let out a gasp and doubled over in pain as he fell to the floor, “What...the...fuck?”

“He told you not to call him that.” Andrew said, _Neil's Andrew_.

“They never should have let your psychotic ass out.” Other Andrew growled.

“You're welcome to take my place” Andrew shrugged, “Get the fuck out of my bar.”

“Whatever,” Other Andrew turned and flicked them both off, “Nice to see you too, brother.”

Neil watched, still in shock, as the other Andrew walked away. “Brother?”

“Yes, Neil.” Andrew shook his head, “What? Did you think I had a clone?”

“I...” Neil trailed off, “Twin?”

“Obviously.” Andrew rolled his eyes, “Get you ass up on stage and start this shit.”

Neil nodded and pushed himself up from the stood before being stopped by a small whistle from Andrew.

He turned and saw Andrew leaning against the bar and looking at him with soft eyes, “Stay after and we'll talk.”

Neil waited until Andrew had his back to him completely before letting a smile dance across his lips.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

“Go home, Roland,” Andrew rolled his eyes as he took in the sight of Roland pressed against his conquest for the night.

“Don't be jealous.” Roland giggled in between kisses with his mystery man.

“I'll try to hold myself together.” Andrew deadpanned as he threw a wet rag their way and watched them make a dash for the door, giggling with their hands still all over each other.

At least it got Roland out of his hair for the night and he could focus his attention on the only other person in the bar, Neil.

Andrew tried to be as stealthy as he could all night as he watched Neil and Neil seemed to recover quickly from the experience with Aaron which was good because even as fascinated as he was with Neil he didn't have the energy to baby him because of his stupid fucking brother, even though there was a voice in the back of his head that was repeating 'yes you would, yes you would' at a volume slightly between a whisper and a scream.

He watched as Neil began to break down the stage for the night, pulling the instruments down off of their perch and dragging them into one of the side rooms for safe keeping. He watched as he unhooked cords and unscrewed mic stands with his hands, the hands that moved so delicately and beautifully in everything that they did. Those stupid fucking hands.

Eventually Neil finished his projects and ambled his way over to the bar, dropping himself into the seat directly in front of Andrew and wiping the sweat off of his brow. Andrew may or may not have had to resist the urge to bite his lip.

“Water?” Andre asked, he'd long given up trying to decide if Neil would want any alcohol.

“Please.” Neil smiled as he laid his head down on the bar.

Andrew walked to the small fridge under the bar and pulled out a cold water bottle and slid it to Neil. “Get your sweaty head off my clean bar.”

Neil, ever the comedian, put his forehead down directly on the bar and rubbed it back and forth. Disgusting asshole. “90%”

Neil let out a short laugh and raised his head to look into Andrew's eyes, “What's with the percentages?”

“That your question?”

Neil only nodded.

“It's how much I hate you out of 100%” Andrew said and ran his rag across where Neil had just rubbed on the bar.

“But I started out at 85%?” Neil mumbled as his eyes went wide.

“You made a terrible first impression.” Andrew shrugged.

Neil mumbled something that sounded like a 'fuck you' before he leaned forward onto the bar with his elbows, “Your turn.”

Andrew turned his back and began to stack the glasses he'd just pulled out of the sink, “What did Aaron say to you?”

“Aaron?” Neil wondered.

“My brother, stupid.” Andrew groaned.

“Oh...” Neil trailed off, “I went up to him thinking it was you and he asked me why I was talking to him and then asked if my hearing was as fucked up as my face.”

Andrew's breath caught and he stood there for a second, motionless, trying to resist the urge to turn around and tell Neil that his face was beautiful, “I'm glad I hit him then.”

“You hit him before you even knew what he said to me.” Neil sighed.

“I hit him because he called you a freak, now I know I was doubly justified.”

Neil was silent for a moment before he let out a slight whisper, “You called me a freak.”

Andrew stopped breathing again, this time stunned by the undercurrent of pain in Neil's voice, something about that word really did him in and Andrew felt something he'd never felt before, guilt or at least something close to it. “I won't do it ever again.”

It was the closest thing to a real apology Andrew had ever given anyone.

“Thank you.” Neil whispered, “My turn?”

Andrew turned around and nodded with a hum.

“What's the one question you want to ask me the most out of everything?” Neil said softly.

Andrew balled his hand into a fist, what the fuck kind of question was that? Why ask a question with so many dangerous answers. But before Andrew could stop himself the words slipped out, “I want to know about your parents.”

Neil's eyes went wide and he stood from the chair and ran a hand through his unruly auburn hair, pulling the bits that had matted to his forehead with sweat. He could see the look in Neil's eyes as clear as day, it was screaming at him and he could almost hear Neil's brain telling him to 'run, run, run'.

Andrew watched with baited breath as Neil turned to walk towards the door and he knew in that moment that Neil would be gone and he'd never see him again. At least until Neil surprised him by stopping just short of the door and turning back around, “I don't think you'll want to know me anymore if I tell you.”

“Try me.” Andrew said, trying to make his voice as rough as possible to hide the quivering.

“I'd feel better if we sat down for this.” Neil whispered as he angled his head towards the old couch that sat in the corner near the pool table.

“OK.” Andrew nodded as he followed Neil and took a place on the couch next to him, far enough away for them not to touch but far closer than he thought he'd ever sit to another man.

“My father was...complicated. He loved me but he also loved my mother and everything she stood for. My mother, on the other hand, was pure evil. She led a church on the outskirts of Baltimore and she was a...fanatic. She wanted people to follow the bible as if it was some kind of literal rule for every day life and if anyone violated it she would...hurt them.” Neil trailed off.

“Anyone?” Andrew asked, already knowing the terrible answer to the question.

“Yes.” Neil nodded, “Including me.”

Andrew was stunned into silence and Neil took it as a sign to continue.

“She was a hypocrite though, she paid off the local police to keep away from the patch of land she owned and they looked the other way when they got calls about screams coming from the old house in the woods. Her church grew over the years and it evolved into something like a cult. All these fucked up people from all over the world flocked to her and they all lived on our land. They were all around me and any time she felt like I needed to be punished she let them do _whatever_ they wanted to me.” Neil took another deep breath and looked down at his hands that had begun to shake.

“You don't have to tell me all this, Neil.” Andrew said softly.

“She was a self righteous bitch who just used that fucking book to cover up the fact that she was a fucking butcher. What kind of 'woman of God' digs into her fucking son with knives because she thought he looked at another man for a second too long? What kind of holy woman lets someone hold her son down and burn him with a lighter or a torch or touch him in fucking places he knows nothing about because he's just five fucking years old?” Neil jumped up from the couch and began to pace back and forth, running his shaking hands through his hair,“That's not God. That's the fucking devil.”

“Where was your father?” Andrew dared to asked.

“He was there but not there at the same time. He tried to protect me the best he could but she wasn't any better to him and he drank to try and block out the pain.” Neil let out a small laugh, “Until one day when he walked in and found me tied to a bed with my pants around my ankles and three people standing over me and taking their clothes off. Seeing that was apparently the line for him, not everything else, and he picked up and iron that they had just burned me with and bashed all their heads in and took me from the house.”

Andrew's stomach clenched as he remembered his own past but he stayed silent waiting to see if Neil would continue.

“We ran for a few weeks but we didn't have much money to get that far and she found us in an old motel. There were too many of them and they overpowered my father and took us back to the house. They locked us both in the basement and tied me down and made me watch as she poured gasoline on him and lit him on fire.”

Andrew stood and walked closer to Neil. He was unable to override the protective instinct he'd felt. “How is none of this public?”

“Allison's father.” Neil laughed.

Andrew raised an eyebrow which Neil took as another question and began to clarify, “After they killed my dad they left me locked in the basement with him for a few days with no food or water. Eventually Lola, my mothers favorite, came down to taunt me. She cut me, burned me,” Neil held his hand up to the burn scar on his cheek, “And then she decided that she wanted more of me. She undid the chains to take the rest of my clothes off and something inside me reacted, I fought back. She was surprised and I managed to use that against her, I burned her with the rod and she fell back, I climbed on top of her and shoved the fucking thing into her eye and watched as she died under me. I took her keys and let myself out of the basement and made my way past the rest of the people in the house until my mom found me. She threw me against the wall and told me she was going to make me pay for what I did to Lola, how she was done with me and was going to take her time cutting me apart and make _me pay for tempting Lola with my body_. I decided to give up then, I just wanted it to be over with, to be dead, and so I let her cut me open and right as I was about to pass out from the blood loss I saw my dad or...something, I don't know. It asked me to fight, to not give up, and so I pushed back and surprised her and she tripped and fell onto one of her knives. It went straight through her neck and I stood there and watched her die. I took as much of her money as I could get my hands on and ran. I ran all night, bleeding and dying, until I found the biggest house I'd ever seen. I found a shed on the property to hide in and fell asleep. The house turned out to be Allison's and she found me the next morning.”

“That doesn't explain...” Andrew stopped as Neil cut him off.

“I was never officially born. My mother gave birth to me on the property. I don't have a birth certificate, or anything. I was nothing. I was no one. All I had was a name, Nathaniel. Allison's father took me in when I told him what happened, he was friends with the right judges and I was hidden from the whole mess when the feds finally went up to my mothers house. Eventually I became Neil Josten with the help of Allison's family.” Neil smiled and sat back down on the couch.

“But Allison still calls you Nate?” Andrew asked, it seemed pretty fucked up that she would keep reminding him of that time.

“She told me a long time ago that my name wasn't a part of my past. She said my life began when I met her and since I told her my name was Nate that I would always be Nate to her. She's the only one who can call me that.” Neil said, stressing the last part rather forcefully, “And that's most of the story. Congratulations, now you know how fucked up I am.”

“Neil...” Andrew trailed off.

“Please don't, I don't want your pity.” Neil laughed and pushed himself up from the couch.

Andrew immediately followed after him and reached a hand out for his arm before stopping half way, “Yes or no?”

“What?” Neil asked as he turned around, his eyes glazing over.

“I don't touch people without their permission, yes or no?” Andrew said again.

Neil's eyes went between Andrew's hand and his face for a few seconds before he spoke, “Yes.”

Andrew took in a deep breath and rested his hand on Neil's forearm and stepped in closer to bridge the gap, “I don't pity you. You're still an annoying fucking asshole who I hate most of the time and nothing you ever say or tell me about you will change that.”

“Yes or no?” Neil asked.

“What?” Andrew gasped as he took a step back, removing his hand from Neil's arm.

“I'm not touching you without your permission but...I want to hug you or something, I don't know.” Neil blushed.

Andrew's world began to blow out of focus. Neil really asked for his consent without needing him to clarify it ahead of time? It was the singlehandedly most profound thing anyone had ever done for him. “I don't hug.”

“Oh.” Neil said softly.

But Andrew took a deep breath and stepped closer to Neil, “But...yes.”

Neil looked up and his eyes were wide, he began to say something and Andrew shook his head to silence him as he stepped forward to wrap his hands around Neil, tensing for a moment as Neil's hands circled him and squeezed lightly.

Every alarm was going off in Andrew's head telling him that this was not right, it wasn't OK to let Neil touch him like this and the comfort only lasted for a second before Andrew's demons took over and he lightly pushed himself away from Neil and retreated back behind the bar.

Neil stood where Andrew had left him for a moment before slowly walking over and sitting a few seats down from where Andrew was.

Andrew closed his eyes and took in a few deep breathes to try and calm himself and stop his shaking. When that didn't work he turned to Neil and said through his trembling voice, “Ask me anything.”

“No.” Neil sighed, “I think this is enough for tonight.”

“Neil.” Andrew said with a low growl, “We're not anywhere close to even after that story.”

Neil bit his lip and looked at Andrew with a pensive gaze before he spoke again, “Why did you ask if it was OK if you touched me?”

“You already know.” Andrew shook his head, “It's why you asked me it back.”

“Andrew...” Neil trailed off.

Andrew closed his eyes and swallowed deep. Neil had been so open with him, telling him every dark secret about his childhood and fucking hell Andrew felt like he was in debt to him now.

“I spent the better part of my childhood having that choice taken away from me by men I trusted and some that I didn't.” Andrew dug his nails into his palms and tried to steady himself, “I won't do that to anyone else I care about, even if it is just a hand on their arm.”

“I...” Neil began before Andrew cut him off.

“Don't talk. I can't...not right now, I can't give you details like you gave me.” Andrew sighed.

“You don't have to, Andrew.” Neil whispered.

“What if I want to, Neil? What if I want to tell you all about my life? What if I want to tell you how much men have hurt me? What if I want to tell you what's been taken from me and what I've never been able to find?” Andrew yelled as he slammed his hand into the bar, making it shake and threaten to send the liquor bottles crashing to the floor.

“Then I'll be there, you tell me when you want to, if you ever want to, and I'll listen.” Neil offered a weak smile.

“Just stay there.” Andrew shook his head and walked past Neil.

He used the short walk to talk himself into doing what he was about to. He wanted to give Neil everything about him, for some fucking reason he wanted Neil to know every inch of him, he wanted to let the fucking bastard in but he just couldn't say the words. He couldn't say how Jim held him down, pushed his legs open, he couldn't say the words out loud. He couldn't watch Neil's face as he heard how he'd been used up and thrown away so many times, and it made him sick. Neil had just given him everything and Andrew couldn't even give him words.

But he could give Neil something, he thought, maybe. He could give Neil something he might understand even more than just words. He could give Neil a song. A song he told himself he'd never actually play. Neil deserved something from him.

Before he knew it he was on the stage, sitting at the piano, looking down at Neil's wide eyes. “Turn around.”

Neil didn't say anything, he just nodded and turned around so he wasn't looking at Andrew. The fucking asshole didn't even ask, he just knew somehow that Andrew couldn't look at him while he did this.

Andrew tentatively fingered the keys on the piano, instability remembering the music he composed alongside this fucking song. He took a deep breath and began to [play](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJSk2RySqKg).

 

 

_He used to call me DN_   
_That stood for deadly nightshade_   
_Cause I was filled with poison_   
_But blessed with beauty and rage_   
_Jim told me that_   
_He hit me and it felt like a kiss_   
_Jim brought me back_   
_Reminded me of when we were kids_

_With his ultraviolence_   
_Ultraviolence_   
_Ultraviolence_   
_Ultraviolence_   
_I can hear sirens, sirens_   
_He hit me and it felt like a kiss_   
_I can hear violins, violins_   
_Give me all of that ultraviolence_

_He used to call me poison_   
_Like I was poison ivy_   
_I could have died right there_   
_Cause he was right beside me_   
_Jim raised me up_   
_He hurt me but it felt like true love_   
_Jim taught me that_   
_Loving him was never enough_

_We could go back to New York_   
_Loving you was really hard_   
_We could go back to Woodstock_   
_Where they don't know who we are_   
_Heaven is on earth_   
_I will do anything for you, babe_   
_Blessed is this, this union_   
_Crying tears of gold, like lemonade_

_I can hear sirens, sirens_   
_He hit me and it felt like a kiss_   
_I can hear violins, violins_   
_Give me all of that ultraviolence_

The song seemed to end before it even began and Andrew sat there, breathless and shaking. He couldn't risk a look at Neil, not after he just played a song about how he thought he was in love with the first man who ever took his consent away from him before he even knew what consent _was_.

Andrew raised himself up from the piano and walked over to Neil, standing in front of him and almost gasped when Neil looked back at him with tears in his eyes.

“Andrew...I'm so sor-” Andrew cut him off.

Andrew took another step closer into Neil's personal space and looked him dead in the eye, he was sure that they were connected on some kind of fucked up level now.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked as he leaned in closer, hoping against everything he believed in that Neil knew what he was asking.

“Yes.” Neil said without hesitation and craned his neck towards Andrew.

“Are you sure?” Andrew asked.

“Yes, Andrew. _Yes_.” Neil said.

Andrew wasted no more time. He stepped fully into Neil's gravity and immediately found himself lost in the pull. He placed his hand on the nape of Neil's neck and made a silent note on how Neil lifted up slightly to sit on his own hands so he wouldn't be temped to touch Andrew. That act alone was enough to seal his decision and he crushed their lips together in one swift motion.

The world exploded around him, Andrew wasn't dumb enough to think that metaphorical fireworks were a real thing but this was something, something more, something deeper than anything he'd ever experienced.

Neil's lips parted almost instantly and Andrew slipped his tongue inside and shivered as it danced with Neil's.

The kiss was wet, sloppy, and unpracticed but it was so much more real than anything ever had been before and ever would be after.

It was _something._

 _It was Neil_.

 

 


	5. Old Money

 

 

 

 

5

[Old Money](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pWo3EuVF8M)

 

**Neil**

 

“That was...” Neil trailed off and only had time for a single breath before Andrew leaned in for another kiss.

Amazing is what Neil had tried to say. He'd never felt anything quite like what was happening at the moment. He'd kissed people, sure, but it had mostly been out of boredom, at the behest of Allison, or when he was drunk or high off of his ass, but he had never _kissed_ anyone.

 _Kissing Andrew_ was more than just something with a random person. This was everything. It was infinity. It was an end. And it was a beginning.

And god did Neil want to do something with his hands. He wanted to run them up Andrew's muscular arms, he wanted to feel his biceps flex as Andrew held him and place. He wanted to feel the heat of Andrew's skin under his touch. But he wouldn't dare, he would never dare touch Andrew without his permission. He knew more than he'd guess anyone Andrew had ever been with just how much that couldn't happen. And so he used every fiber of his being to not let it happen. He wouldn't let anything ruin this moment.

They kissed for what felt like an eternity. Neil swore he could feel the atoms in his body breaking apart and reforming every time Andrew's mouth left his for a brief moment only for to to return and kiss him even harder. Eventually their kiss broke for the final time and Neil looked on in awe as Andrew stepped back and run a trembling hand through his hair. His lips were cherry red from their teeth and he looked like he was ready to pass out.

“Andrew?” Neil said softly, “Are you OK.”

“Don't talk, Neil.” Andrew whispered as he stood there.

“Did I do something wrong?” Neil had to know, even if it meant ignoring Andrew's words.

“No...” Andrew trailed off and took a breath, “I just...I just need a minute.”

Neil nodded, his head still hazy from the adrenaline and pure surprise of it all, and watched as Andrew took a few unsteady steps into the back office of the bar and closed the door. Neil heard the distinct sound of a lock click as soon as the door shut and he let out a long breath.

He looked around the room and suddenly felt very alone. Every instinct that had been ingrained into his body was telling him to run, to not let anymore of whatever he felt in, to get out while he had a chance. Andrew was in hiding himself so it would be a perfect time to make a break, to leave the key on the table and never come back.

But he couldn't. Neil's days of running were over. He'd spent so long running. Running from his mother, running from her memory, running from his scars, running from anything that seemed too permanent. But he couldn't run from Andrew. Andrew, for all his issues and demons, could really be something. But he didn't even know if Andrew wanted _him_ to be something.

Neil gave the door to the office another glance and decided in that moment that he would stay. He'd stay and wait for Andrew, no matter how long it took, if only so he could find out where this whole thing went next.

Neil let out another sigh and resolved to keep himself busy while he waited. The bar still needed to be cleaned so he opted to finish that as busy work.

He spent an eternity cleaning, wiping down tables, polishing glasses, sweeping and mopping the floor, everything he'd done all those years ago when it was just him, Allison, Wymack, and a terribly orange stage with a microphone.

The night stretched on in front of him and by the time he'd finished cleaning it had been another hour. There was still no sign of Andrew and he toyed briefly with the idea of texting him but he knew that Andrew had to come to his own decisions on his own time.

So Neil decided to wait some more, he walked back over to the couch in the corner of the bar and settled in on it. He wanted to just lay there and think about things but as time went on he felt himself growing more and more tired and eventually he was lost to his dreams.

 

*

 

“You stupid fucking boy.”

Neil awoke to the face of his mother looming over him.

“What did I tell you?” Mary's voice boomed as she stood there in a spotless white dress with a small, rusty hatchet in her hands.

“Mommy...” Neil whispered.

“God is watching you, Nathaniel.” Mary leaned in and whispered in his ear in a sinister voice, “It's bad enough you kissed anyone, but a man, _a man_ , Nathaniel?”

“I'm sorry, it won't happen again! I'll pray every night, I'll ask God for forgiveness, I'm sorry, please, please don't hurt me!” Neil was screaming, tears falling from his face as his arms were hoisted above his head and all his clothes were ripped off.

“Your body is there to remind you of every time you've done wrong, Nathaniel.” Mary smiled, “Perhaps you can't remember since it is covered by your clothing.”

“Don't hurt me, I don't want to hurt anymore!” Neil begged, “I'll do anything. I'll never see Andrew again! I promise!”

“A promise means nothing, I have to take an offering from you, I have to take something from you so that you'll always remember what you did.”

Mary motioned to her side and Lola stepped out of the shadows.

“Ready to repent, Junior?” Lola sneered as she held his left arm out.

“You may not be able to see your scars, but you will remember not to defy me when you don't have an arm.”

Mary raised the hatchet above her head, “Praise God.”

The hatchet came sailing down right at the join of Neil's elbow and he let out a horrifying cry as the pain burst through him. Everything went red and he heard a sickening crunch of bones, muscle and flesh. Mary raised the hatchet again and swung with more force this time. More pain. More agony. And then it was over.

Neil looked down in horror as he saw his forearm lying on the ground in front of him.

“Remember this, Nathaniel. This is what happens when you let someone in. This is what happens when you defy me.”

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

Andrew sat, still trembling, in the office chair for close to three hours. The entire time was spent in pure darkness and with his thoughts. He liked the darkness, it brought him a sense of comfort and security. He could hide from things in the dark. Drake, Jim, all the others, they never liked the dark. They liked the light, bright and blindingly fluorescent, they wanted to _see just how pretty you look._ But the darkness? The darkness belonged to him and no one could take it away.

So there he sat, rocking back and forth in the over sized leather chair that he barely did any actual work in, replaying the events of the night. Replaying the way Neil's face looked as he told his story, the way Neil looked with his eyes red and tear filled, the way Neil looked just before he kissed him. The way Neil looked in general.

“God dammit!” Andrew growled, picking up the letter opener off of the desk and throwing it across the room with a deadly precision and embedding it with a thunk into a thick wooden support beam.

God damn Neil and his stupid face. God damn Neil for his stupid eyes. God damn Neil for his stupid voice. God damn Neal for his stupid lips. God damn Neil for already making him feel guilty that he was saying _god damn_.

Andrew was absolutely lost on how to continue on after this. You can't unring and bell and the entire evening had been the ringing of a fucking bell tower.

Could there actually be something with Neil Josten, the flighty, annoying, stubborn, and fucked up songwriter who seemed to worm his way into some part of Andrew that he thought was long fucking dead? Sure, in theory. But in practice could Andrew even allow his walls down long enough for anything real? He could barely take more than a few minutes of kissing before every nightmare came back to slap him in the face.

But there was something about Neil, he was always a fucking _something_. Neil had asked for Andrew's consent before he even had any idea of what his past was like, reacting only on small clues and following Andrew's on lead. He did as Andrew asked without question when he was asked to turn around. He sat on his own fucking hands, which was probably terribly uncomfortable by the way, just so he wouldn't be tempted to unconsciously touch Andrew where he didn't want to be touched.

Yep, Neil Josten was _something_ and that _something_ was becoming increasingly more and more annoying as the minutes passed.

He had his answer, and enough of the darkness, and pulled himself up out of his pit of despair with the resolve to at least see what happens with this annoying asshole, even if it just amounts to a distraction.

Andrew pushed the door to the office open and stopped in his tracks. The aforementioned annoying asshole was now asleep on the couch in the bar.

“What the...” Andrew whispered to himself as he took a few steps closer to examine the sleeping form. Neil's face was already red and indented from the lines of the couch, he'd been asleep for a while, apparently. His body looked even more delicate under the guise of slumber. Neil already looked like he could be blown away by a sharp gust of wind on a good day but when he was asleep and tucked tightly into a defensive ball he looked more fragile than Andrew had even seen anyone look in their entire life. And he hated it. It fueled the fire deep inside him that made him want to hold the idiot close and protect him from all the fucked up shit in both of their lives.

Andrew turned from the couch, resolving to let the idiot sleep for however long he wanted, before his attention was quickly caught again by a sharp hiss.

He turned back towards Neil and found that he'd left his defensive ball and his body was now stretched taught and lean, the rippling of muscles beginning to flex and make their way to the surface. OK, maybe he wasn't as fragile as Andrew thought, but that thought was quickly wiped away when a small cry came from Neil's lips.

“No, don't.” Neil mumbled.

Andrew sucked in a deep breath when he realized what was happening, he was no stranger to nightmares.

“I'm sorry, I won't, I'll be good, don't hurt me again.” Neil whimpered as he tossed on the couch.

Neil's shirt was snagged on something as he moved and it rode up ever so slightly, revealing an impressive Adonis belt hidden under the baggy shirt. But even more than that, it showed the beginning of a long, dark scar.

Andrew sucked in a breath and held it, lingering on the mark for only a moment before turning away. He wouldn't let himself see Neil's body like this. He wouldn't betray whatever fragile trust they'd just built together by letting himself see Neil's darkest shame when it wasn't his own choice. Whenever Neil, if he even did, wanted Andrew to see his scars then he would look. Not now and not a second before.

To spare his eyes from Neil he took in a sweeping glance of the bar and found that it was spotless. Neil must have fucking cleaned the entire place while Andrew locked himself in the office. No wonder the asshole fell asleep, the place was cleaner than he'd seen it in months.

“91%” Andrew whispered to himself as he walked back behind the drawer to count the cash register.

He spent a few minutes on menial tasks before his attention was drawn by a sharp cry from across the room as Neil woke with a gasp on the couch.

Andrew walked around the bar, the glass of water he totally didn't already have ready for when Neil woke up in his hand, and sat on the pool table across from the couch.

“Welcome back.” Andrew said, handing Neil the glass.

Neil didn't reply, only taking the glass and drinking it all down with a few big gulps before settling back into the couch.

Andrew watched as Neil blinked rapidly as he tried to take in his surroundings and then as his eyes went wide as he looked down and noticed his ruffled and pulled at shirt.

“I didn't see anything.” Andrew said before Neil could speak, knowing exactly the panic that was running behind Neil's blue eyes.

“I...” Neil trailed off, “Thank you.”

“Don't mention it.” Andrew shrugged.

“Sorry for falling asleep, I didn't know how tired I was.” Neil laughed as he rubbed the back of his head.

“It's almost 4am, Neil.” Andrew deadpanned.

Neil let out a sigh and then frowned as he rolled over to his side on the couch, “I didn't want to leave like that...I didn't want you to think that was all I wanted and then I'd run.”

Andrew bit the inside of his lip to stop the growl that he wanted to give. Neil was so fucking stupid. And now he'd just learned that Neil is so fucking stubborn.

“You're the first guy I've...ever kissed.” Neil blushed.

Andrew rolled his eyes and hopped down from his perch, “Thought you'd never been interested in anyone, men or women.”

“I haven't.” Neil laughed, “I don't swing either way, at least I didn't think I did.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, “I'm not some experiment, if you need someone to test drive go find Roland.”

“No!” Neil gasped as he jumped to his feet, consciously keeping his hands at his side, “I'm just saying that...I've kissed people, girls, before and never felt anything like what I did with you. I don't know what it is, Andrew, but I'm not just experimenting with you.”

“Whatever.” Andrew growled, “92%”

“92?” Neil laughed, “What happened to 91?”

“You got to 91 when I walked out and found you asleep on my couch.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

Neil laughed and smiled and the smile lit another fire inside Andrew, a fire that he wanted to smother with those beautiful fucking lips. “Yes or no?”

Neil took a tentative step forward and slide his hands in his pockets before answering, “Yes.”

Andrew reached out and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulling Neil in close and pressing their lips together.

This kiss was tender and completely unlike the first one. It was Andrew's test to see if a kiss with Neil could be something more than just raw and needy. If it could be soft and delicate, if he could trust it to be more than just wanting and sexual. And of course the asshole passed the fucking test.

Andrew broke off the kiss and pushed Neil away, just lightly enough for it to seem playful but forceful enough for it to make his point clear.

“Do you want me to leave?” Neil asked softly.

“Yes.” Andrew answered almost immediately.

“Do you want me to come back?” Neil asked, his eyes looking everywhere but Andrew's.

Andrew picked up the glass without answering and walked back to the bar to throw it in the well.

Neil let out a soft sigh and a frown crossed over his face as he made a line for the exit.

“See you on Friday,” Andrew said from behind the bar just as Neil had his hand on the door, “and you better not be late again.”

Neil turned around and looked at Andrew with that stupid fucking smile again and Andrew just knew he was going to be seeing this asshole in his dreams tonight.

At least it would be a good dream.

 

*

 

**Renee**

 

“You're pulling your punches, Andrew.” Renee laughed as she circled around her sparring partner.

As usual, they were the only two in the boxing area of the gym and had been setting a steady pace for the last half hour.

Andrew swung a taped up hand at her, again pulling his punch, and she swiftly stepped out of the way of the incoming attack, grasping at his forearm and giving it a swift pull and sending Andrew tumbling to the ground.

“What the hell?” Andrew coughed as she rolled onto his knees and looked back up at her.

“Just because you're taking it easy doesn't mean I'm going to do the same.” Renee smiled and braced herself for the next attack.

Andrew stayed in his position on the ground and tried to surprise her with a sweeping kick but she was ready. He had telegraphed the move a few seconds earlier when he tried to judge the distance between her feet and his shin. As soon as the leg came sweeping towards her she jumped into the air, moving slightly to she left and striking out with her own foot and landing a blow to his shoulder.

Something was different about Andrew today and she couldn't put her finger on it. She'd sparred with him under countless circumstances such as boredom, anger, sadness, fear, or whatever emotion he was feeling at the time that told him he needed to fight someone to cope with it, but this was something entirely different and she couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing.

“I'm not wasting the rest of my last free Tuesday afternoon before Allison gets back to only go at this half cocked.” Renee shook her head as she rolled her shoulders and made her way towards the water bottle on the edge of the ring.

“I'm not half cocked!” Andrew snarled.

“Andrew, you haven't landed a single blow on me in almost 45 minutes, that has never happened before.” Renee shook her head as she poured a bit of the cold water on the top of her head.

As she predicted he went for another dirty move, lunging forward to try and take her into a grapple hold which she stopped by pelting him in the face with her water bottle which stunned him enough for a moment to allow her to sweep his feet out from under him and send him crashing to the mat with a resonating thud.

“Fucking hell.” Andrew groaned.

“Tell me what's happening.” Renee sighed as she sat down next to him and listened to the sound of his ragged breath, “Is it the nightmares again?”

“No.” Andrew swatted, half at the hair and half at Renee for digging in with the question.

“Thank what is it?” Renee frowned, “I've never seen you like this.”

“It's nothing bad, at least I don't think.” Andrew sighed.

“Nothing bad?” Renee raised her eyebrows, “Andrew, you're fighting with blind anger.”

“Anger?” Andrew laughed, “I thought I was pulling my punches?”

“You're doing both, which isn't like you.” Renee said softly.

“I'm just working out some confusion.” Andrew sighed and rolled over on his side.

“What kind of confusion?” Renne asked.

“God Renee, you're worse than my therapist.” Andrew groaned.

“Well, as long as you talk to one of us about it.” Renee shrugged, “Get up, we're going again.”

I'm just been thinking about-ugh” Andrew threw a volley of punches and finally landed a glancing blow on Renee's shoulder, “about how I live my life.”

“Oh?” Renee said as she ducked under another first and threw an uppercut towards Andrew, which he dodged at the last moment.

“I've thought for the longest time that, god dammit,” Andrew cut himself off as he stepped out of the way of a kick and lunged in towards Renee with an elbow jab, knocking her off balance, “that I would never be able to really be with someone because of everything that's happened.”

“And now you're rethinking that?” Renee asked as she took a few quick steps backwards to steady herself and raised her hands in challenge.

“Maybe.” Andrew sighed as she faked a right hook before striking out at Renee with his foot, finally hitting her completely and sending her to the ropes.

“That's good,” Renee said between breaths, “you deserve to let someone in if you can find them.”

“And if I think I might have already?” Andrew sighed.

“Oh? _Oh_.” Renee's eyes went wide but before she could reply any further she was cut off by her phone ringing, “Hold on, let me get that, we'll finish this in a minute.”

“Isn't it supposed to be your day off?” Andrew rolled his eyes.

Renee gave him an apologetic wave before fishing her phone out of her bag and finding that the caller was Neil.

“Hi, Neil.” Renee smiled as she answered the phone and turned back to Andrew who's eyes had gone wide.

“Hey, sorry to bother you,” Neil sighed, “What time did you say Allison's flight got in again? I can't figure out what time I should leave for the airport, it's been a hectic last few days and my head is mush right now.”

“It's fine,” Renee looked at the clock, “her flight gets in at 5:45pm, I'd leave now if you want to beat the airport traffic.”

“Yeah,” Neil groaned, “probably for the best. Are you OK? You sound out of breath.”

“Me?” Renee laughed, “I'm just at the gym and sparring with-”

Renee looked up and saw Andrew frantically trying to flag her attention and drawing a hand across his neck, obviously trying to say something without words. She raised an eyebrow at him before turning back away.

“Sparring with Andrew, I think you two have met.” Renee finished.

Andrew let out a louder than usual groan as she said his name and she turned around to find him leaning against the ropes with a scowl on his face.

“Andrew?” Neil gasped, “Like Fox Hole Andrew?”

“Yes, Neil, “ Renee laughed, “Like Fox Hole Andrew. Did he not tell you we knew each other?”

“No...” Neil trailed off, “he didn't.”

“Well now I guess you two will finally have something to talk about on Friday nights now.” Renee smiled.

“Yeah, I guess we will.” Neil laughed, “I'll let you go, and I'll tell Allison you said hi.”

“Have a safe trip, Neil, and good luck with post in flight drinks Allison.” Renee winked and hung up the phone.

She turned back to Andrew who was frantically typing away on his phone and laughed at the surprise look that crossed his face when he got a text in the middle of his writing.

“I hate you.” Andrew growled as he stalked away from the ring.

Renee frowned at the sudden change and couldn't shake the feeling that she was missing some part of whatever weird puzzle was sitting in front of her.

 

*

 

**Allison**

 

Every day since she'd been back in the country raised yet another Neil related question. The questions really began when she was out of the country right after the call from Neil when he has asked her how she knew if she _liked_ someone. It was an altogether odd question, in the decade plus that she'd known Neil he never once asked her something like that. It was no secret that Neil had never harbored a romantic feeling for another person in his entire life, which is why it was always so strange that the love songs he'd written were so fucking amazing and heartfelt, so she spent the majority of the last few days in Sweden trying to figure out why the hell he'd even ask that.

She knew his excuse about “working on something” was bullshit, he'd never needed help finding inspiration, so from the second her flight had touched down and he picked her up she took off the Allison the pop star hat and replaced it with Allison the detective.

She spent the week quizzing him about what he did while she was gone. _“Oh I worked on some songs”._ Next she set out to find if he'd met anyone new. _“No, I just hung out with Matt some, and at the bar.”_. The bar, the bar had something to do with it and she just had to get to the bottom of it. _“Oh, I just decided to help out after Roland asked. Andrew isn't as bad as I thought he was so I don't mind seeing him every week I guess.”_.

Bingo. Maybe. She had a sneaking suspicion that the little imp might have had something to do with Neil's question. It was an unavoidable thought, she'd never heard him talk about anyone like he'd talked about Andrew, even if it was just briefly. And that, coupled with the fact that he was an idiot and played that fucking song he'd written as some sort of way to prove himself to Andrew...well the puzzle pieces were starting to fall into place. She just needed one last confirmation, which she set out to get tonight.

“Nate,” Allison said from her position on the other side of the studio from him, “I'm coming with you tonight.”

“You're what?” Neil raised his eyebrow.

Allison laughed and swing herself around in the chair, “If you think I'm going to miss you hosting an open mic night again after so fucking long then you have to be back on the drugs.”

“Allison,” Neil laughed, “go easy on me for once.”

“No chance in hell, I've missed having a punching bag around while I was in Sweden.”

“You know,” Neil hummed, “someone asked me the other day why I let you call me Nate even after everything you know that happened to me.”

Allison felt her eyes go wide. As far as she knew, she was the only one who knew what happened to him aside from her parents. So for someone to question why she still called him Nate would mean that he would have had to tell them too. “And what did you tell them?”

“What you've told me a million times,” Neil shrugged, “I just thought it was funny.”

Allison weighed her options, confront now or try and gather more evidence tonight. She sunk back into the chair and opted for plan b.

 

*

 

“Try not to antagonize Andrew too much, huh?” Neil laughed as they got out of the back of the black SUV in front of The Fox Hole.

“I won't make any promises,” Allison winked as she was helped out of the car by one of her two bodyguards, “you've sure made it your mission to make Andrew's life easier, huh?”

Neil let out a groan as he stepped around the front of the car and stretched his back out, “He's not as bad as I first thought he was. At least I don't think.”

“Dunno,” Allison shrugged, “from what I've heard from Renee he can be a bit of a monster sometimes.”

Neil just shrugged and looked back at her with his icy blue eyes, “I've seen monsters, Al, and Andrew isn't one of them.”

“Just passing along what I've heard, I don't want you to think you have a new friend only to find out it's not what it seems.” Allison shrugged back at him.

Neil didn't say anything back but Allison felt the air around them thicken and all of her hyper protective instincts were beginning to kick in. She didn't lie when she told him she'd heard about Andrew from Renee. She knew that the two of them routinely beat the shit out of each other for fun, she knew that he had some kind of past and a quick look into his background that she commissioned from one of her connections revealed sealed records from a juvenile court. Renee being who she was wouldn't dare give her any of Andrew's secrets but from what she could piece together there had been a considerable amount of violence involved.

Allison wasn't dumb enough to think she could ever stop Neil from being friends with someone, but she could try to make him see reason if something else was blinding him. They weren't family by blood but that didn't mean shit and she knew her word would be valued if she had to step in. That was her plan for tonight, gather the facts, probe at the mysterious bartender, and try to find out if she could trust him with the precious life of her best friend and brother.

They made their way into the bar, Neil leading the way, and went directly to the bar. Allison could already make out Andrew's mop of blonde hair from across the room leaning against the bar and talking to Renee. As soon as Neil made eye contact him she could see the tension melt from his shoulders.

Before saying anything Andrew turned his back to Renee. Renee turned to wave them both over to where she was saving seats for them and as they got to the bar Andrew turned back around to face Neil with a glass of water in his hand that was extended out to Neil.

“Thank you.” Neil smiled, reaching out to grab it and Allison didn't miss how Neil's fingers lingered on Andrew's hand for just a second too long.

“Didn't do it for you,” Andrew shrugged, “just don't want my customers to have to listen to your raspy voice all night.”

Neil rolled his eyes and smiled, settling down into the chair directly across from Andrew and resting his head on his hands, “I'm sure they'll appreciate it.”

Allison took her seat next to him and let her eyes constantly flick between Andrew and Neil, she counted no less than ten instances where their eyes lingered on each other.

“Can I help you?” Andrew groaned as he caught Allison's eyes on him.

“Just trying to figure out if that hair is natural.” Allison laughed.

“Is is.” Andrew turned his back to her.

“My condolences.” Allison shrugged.

“Allison,” Renee groaned, “play nice.”

“I'm the nicest person on the planet.” Allison laughed, “Andrew, can I have a drink?”

“I don't know, can you?” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“Get her a drink, Andrew.” Neil said softly.

Andrew said nothing but made a few low, guttural sounds before turning back to Allison, “What do you want?”

“Malibu and Red Bull.” Allison smiled.

“Great,” Neil laughed, “because the last thing you need is even more energy.”

“I'm going to need all the energy I can get if I'm going to get up there and sing after the day I had.” Allison rolled her eyes.

“Joy,” Andrew deadpanned, “I get to hear even more of your voice than I already do.”

“What're you going to sing?” Renee asked.

“I'm thinking of playing one of the new songs I wrote in Sweden, one of the one's without Neil's help.”

“Already not interested.” Andrew sighed and walked further down the bar and away from them.

Neil rolled his eyes and got up from his chair, “Guess I gotta go get this thing started, flag me down whenever you want to sing something and I'll make space on the schedule for you.”

And with that Allison was left at the bar alone with Renee, she wasted no time turning to her, “Tell me what you know.”

Renee choked on her soda at the surprise of the question and took a moment to stead herself, “What do you mean?”

“Don't play dumb with me, I know you know Andrew better than anyone.” Allison laughed.

“I do...but I don't get what you're asking?” Renee was utterly confused.

“There's something...different about Nate, he's not as broody and depressing.” Allison glanced over her shoulder to make sure Andrew was still out of earshot.

“That's good but...” Renee trailed off, “Wait, Andrew has been acting differently this week too.”

“See!” Allison gasped, “I'm not crazy!”

“I wouldn't jump to that conclusion yet,” Renee smiled, “but what do you think this has to do with both of them?”

“Look at the way they act around each other,” Allison groaned, “when have you ever seen him this relaxed? And don't tell me you've ever seen Andrew do anything nice for someone like he's been doing.”

“Andrew was acting weird when Neil called me during one of our sparring sessions but I just wrote it off as Andrew being Andrew...” Renee stopped to gather her thoughts, “So, they're friends? What's wrong with that?”

“What if they're more than friends?” Allison checked for anyone listening once again before turning back to Renee.

“No...” Renne wrinkled her brow, “Neil's not...I mean Andrew is...but Neil...no.”

“Nate's never been with _anyone,_ Renee.” Allison laughed.

Renne leaned back in her chair and ran her hand through her hair before speaking, “Even if he is...I don't see why it would be a big deal if Neil was gay.”

“It's not about him being gay,” Allison sighed, “I don't know if I trust Andrew.”

“Allison,” Renee narrowed her eyes, “Andrew might be a little complicated and rough around the edges but I wouldn't worry about anything if they really are...something.”

“I know he's your friend but I'd burn the fucking world down to keep mine safe.” Allison shook her head.

“I know you would,” Renne said softly, placing a hand delicately on Allison's, “but you trust me?”

Allison only nodded.

“Good, then trust me when I tell you that I don't think you have anything to worry about when it comes to Andrew.”

Allison let out a long sigh before she rested her head on the bar, “I'm holding you to that.”

“I need to go to the bathroom but...I think you should talk to Neil before you do anything crazy.” Renee nodded and got up from her chair, stopping halfway to the bathroom to smile at Neil as he returned from the stage.

“Renee said you wanted to talk to me about something?” Neil asked, running a hand through his hair.

“I'm gonna kill her,” Allison shook her head, “what's going on with you and Andrew?”

“I...uh...” Neil stammered.

“You've been acting different ever since I got back, I just want to know.” Allison frowned.

Neil sat across from her and took a deep breath, “I don't know what to tell you other than we've spent a bit of time together and I told him almost everything about me...and my family...”

“You told him about your mother?” Allison's eyes went wide.

“I told him everything, stuff only you know.” Neil turned away from her and lowered his head.

Allison felt another person come up behind her before she spoke again.

“I'm not-not paying you to sit around on your ass and talk to your friends.” Andrew groaned.

Allison turned around and snapped, “We're talking, go away.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to fight back before Neil cut him off, “Just give us a minute, huh?”

“One minute.” Andrew growled before turning back around.

“Last I heard you didn't even like him...why?” Allison sighed.

“I like him now and I trust him for some reason.” Neil shook his head.

“Like him...how?” Allison held her breath.

“We kissed last week.” Neil blurted out and immediately turned to hide his face.

Allison ran through the myriad of responses in her head before she settled on the perfect one, “Are you happy?”

Neil turned to her with his eyebrows raised, obviously expecting a different response, “I don't even know what we are but...I'm content for now.”

“We can talk more about this later.” Allison shook her head, “I'm not drunk enough.”

“I opened up a spot for you to sing next if you want it.” Neil gave her a weak smile.

Allison turned her chair and faced back down the bar, “Andrew, get your short ass over here.”

Andrew appeared in front of her a few seconds later with a terrible scowl plastered to his face.

“If you hurt him _I will break you_.” Allison warned with a hard look on her face before exchanging it with a smile and standing to kiss Neil on the forehead, “I'll leave you two alone for now.”

She turned to make her way to the stage, pausing to pretend to check her phone while listening to them.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” Neil frantically repeated.

“Neil.” Andrew groaned.

“I didn't think she would say anything.”

“Neil, shut up.”

“I'm really sorry.”

“Neil, I said shut up. It's fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“You need to learn when to listen.”

“Kiss me and I'll listen to anything you say.”

“Later.”

Allison looked back briefly and saw the goofy smile that crossed Neil's face and then the look on Andrew's when he reached out to swipe his thumb lightly across the scar on Neil's cheek and knew in that moment that no matter what she said Neil would follow his heart. And she was completely fine with it.

Allison paused at the mic while the crowd around her cheered, “You guys didn't think you could get rid of my, did you?”

The crowed cheered again and she kept one eye on Andrew and Neil at the bar.

“This is something I wrote last week when I was out of the country, all by myself by the way, so I figured I'd give it a test run. I want to dedicate it to my best friend who's currently over at the bar, I truly hope he's happy. This is called [Old Money](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pWo3EuVF8M).” Allison smiled as she sat down at the piano and began to play.

 

 _Blue hydrangea, cold cash, divine,_  
 _Cashmere, cologne and white sunshine._  
 _Red racing cars, Sunset and Vine,_  
 _The kids were young and pretty._  
  
_Where have you been? Where did you go?_  
 _Those summer nights seem long ago,_  
 _And so is the girl you used to call,_  
 _The Queen of New York City._  
  
_But if you send for me you know I'll come,_  
 _And if you call for me you know I'll run._  
 _I'll run to you, I'll run to you, I'll run, run, run._  
 _I'll come to you, I'll come to you, I'll come, come, come._

 

Allison finished playing and stood from the piano, taking a bow, and walked over to Renne who was now in the corner near the stage, “We should head out and give the lovebirds some time alone?”

“Do my ears deceive me, Allie?” Renee laughed, “Or are you actually doing something nice?”

Allison rolled her eyes, walked over to say her goodbyes to Neil and rounded up her bodyguards before leaving Neil to his own devices with Andrew.

Something about the whole situation still scared her but she couldn't deny the absolute stars she saw in Neil's eyes when he looked at Andrew.

 


	6. Blue Velvet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of this was technically part of the last chapter but I cut it off because it was getting a little too long (which is why i'm realllllllllllyyyyyy stretching it with the title and song of this chapter lol)
> 
> same warnings as other chapters as far as dark stuff and the end does get a little...well you'll see.

 

 

 

 

6

[Blue Velvet](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR40tKuwRys)

 

**Neil**

 

Neil fell to his seat at the bar, wiping the trail of sweat off of his brow with the back of his hand, and looked up at Andrew with an apologetic smile.

“Neil,” Andrew warned, “If you apologize about Allison one more time I'm kicking you out.”

“Can I apologize about apologizing for Allison?” Neil smiled.

Andrew let out a low growl and grumbled, “How high do you want your percentage to go?”

“You already claim you hate me so what's a few more numbers?” Neil rolled his eyes.

Andrew scoffed and threw a towel over his shoulder, “I don't claim I hate you, I do hate you.”

“Really?” Neil leaned back and stretched out his back, consciously holding his shirt down so it wouldn't ride up and show any of his scars, “If you hate me then why did you tell me to come back after you kissed me? Why kiss me in the first place.”

“I hate you, doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you.” Andrew shrugged.

Neil felt the color drain from his face and his mouth went dry. The thought of doing anything like that with Andrew had never even crossed his mind. Sure, he'd noticed how impressive Andrew's body looked under his shirt, and he'd spared more than a passing glance for his biceps, but for Neil who had never done anything with someone other than a simple kiss? It was brand new territory.

“Uh...” Neil trailed off.

Andrew gave him a cursory glance before nodding his head back to the stage, “Song's almost done, go do your job, Josten.”

Neil stared at the vacant space where Andrew had just been a few seconds before and swallowed. He pushed himself away from the bar and shook his head to try and get control over the thoughts that were running through his mind.

Neil took a few more steps and climbed up to the terribly orange stage, grabbing the mic after the previous singer was finished, “Alright, that was great. Give it up for him.”

Neil paused to allow the crowd a chance for applause and to give him a chance to track Andrew through the bar.

“OK,” Neil sighed as he looked down at the set list in front of him, “Next let's bring up Nicky Hemmick! It says here that he's a drummer and guitar player and he's going to sing us a song he dedicates to the love of his life who's stuck back in Germany.”

Nicky came bounding up to the stage and took the steps two at a time, finally coming to a rest next to Neil and placing a hand on the small of his back. The act sent a shiver of uncomfortablility down his spine.

“Enough about me,” Nicky cooed as he took the mic in his hand, “let's talk about you Mr. Not So Tall Dark and Handsome.”

Neil felt his skin grow hot and he shifted awkwardly, “Tonight isn't about me, it's about getting your voice heard.”

“You can hear whatever you want, Blue.” Nicky winked.

“It's an open mic night for singers, not comedians.” Andrew's voice boomed from the back of the bar, “sing your damn song, Nicky.”

“Gosh, Andrew.” Nicky laughed into the mic, “My cousin is so rude sometimes.”

“Cousin?” Neil whispered to himself.

Nicky was the complete opposite of Andrew in almost every way possible. He was bubbly and outgoing, maybe slightly predatory, taller, and had a much darker complexion.

“This is for my baby, Erik, it's his favorite song.” Nicky grinned as he began to sing into the mic.

 

_She wore Blue Velvet_  
_Bluer than velvet was the night_  
_Softer than satin was the light_  
_From the stars_  
  
_She wore blue velvet_  
_Bluer than velvet were her eyes_  
_Warmer than May her tender sighs_  
_Love was ours_  
  
_Ours a love I held tightly_  
_Feeling the rapture grow_  
_Like a flame burning brightly_  
_But when she left gone was the glow of_  
  
_Blue Velvet_  
_But in my heart there'll always be_  
_Precious and warm a memory through the years_  
_And I still can see Blue Velvet through my tears_

 

Neil tuned the sound out as he walked back to Andrew to further investigate. Between Allison, Andrew's comment, and now Nicky. He wagered they'd have a lot to talk about tonight if Andrew wanted him to stay after closing time.

Neil sighed as he took his seat back at the bar and reached for the new glass of water that Andrew had just poured him.

“Question?” Neil asked.

“Sure,” Andrew shrugged, “I lost track of who's turn it was.”

“Yours.” Neil nodded.

Andrew turned to make a drink for another person at the bar before coming back with his question, “Why only water?”

“You mean why don't I drink?” Neil wondered.

Andrew only hummed in affirmation.

Neil took a deep breath and shifted in his chair before continuing, “For a while I used alcohol as a crutch to deal with my fucked up life and I drank to try and block out all the nightmares and bad memories. When the alcohol stopped working I moved on to drugs, simple stuff at first, and then when that didn't work so I ventured into some of the harder stuff.”

Andrew's only sign of surprise was the almost invisible slight raise of an eyebrow.

“Eventually it got so bad to where I was either too drunk to walk or too fucked up to play,” Neil continued, “so Allison set me up at a rehab place a little under two years ago and I've been sober ever since.”

“You're an onion, Josten.” Andrew said with a slight smile, “Layers upon layers.”

“Do I make you cry too?” Neil grinned.

“Tears of annoyance.” Andrew rolled his eyes, “Doesn't seem like this would be the best place for a recovering addict. And I love my whiskey.”

“I know my limits,” Neil nodded, “I know what I can and can't be around. This doesn't bother me. You don't bother me.”

“Get back to me after we make out later. I've been guzzling this shit all night.” Andrew shook his head.

“Does that mean you want me to stay after?” Neil smiled.

“It's not a no.” Andrew said with a wave of his hands before he walked away.

Neil smiled for just long enough to hear the end of Nicky's song which signaled the end of open mic night. He maneuvered his way through the crowd, trying also to artfully dodge Nicky's eyes, and make his way up tot he stage to thank everyone for their participation and the crowed for being so receptive.

Neil began to break down the stage as the area cleared out, stopping after only a few minutes because he was bored and craving a cigarette.

The talk about his past addiction with Andrew had left him wanting for something that wasn't good for him and the only thing he had left at this point were the cigarettes that he barely smoked. Tonight though he felt the urge to smoke one (or an entire pack) down to the filter.

He made his way around the group who was loitering outside of the entrance to the bar and found a safe spot on the sidewalk to brace himself against the wall before fishing his pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket and pulling one out along with the lighter.

Neil flicked the lighter and stared at the dancing orange flame for a minute, giving himself a sort of masochistic therapy, before holding the end of the cigarette to the flame and raising it to his lips to take a long drag.

When Neil looked up from his hands he found Nicky standing right in front of him with a less than sober grin on his face.

“Scars, smoking, you're a dangerous one, huh?” Nicky laughed.

“Very. You should run away.” Neil attempted to joke.

“Danger can be fun sometimes.” Nicky shrugged, “You're very cute.”

“So you've said,” Neil shuddered, “though I'm not sure that Erik of yours would appreciate that.”

“We have an arrangement when we're apart.” Nicky smiled, “If he sees someone he likes he can have a night of fun and I can do the same. No feelings, just sex.”

“Two things I lack the capacity to do.” Neil said as he tried to push himself away from the wall.

As he tried to move he found that Nicky was too close to him to make any progress unless he physically moved the other man himself. While he had a sneaking suspicion that Andrew didn't hate him as much as he claimed he did Neil didn't want to test out what would happen if he physically assaulted one of his family members so he moved to the side as much as he could in a hope that Nicky would get the hint.

Nicky, clearly, did not. As Neil shuffled against the wall Nicky came in even closer before leaning in and placing both of his hands against the brick on either side of Neil's head. Neil was now trapped, aside from the physical violence option, and could only watch as Nicky leaned in towards him, the smell of liquor pouring off of his breath as it washed over his face with a kind of warm terror.

“Give us a kiss, huh?” Nicky grinned as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Neil's.

Neil felt the entire world stop around him in an entirely different way than when he kissed Andrew. All of a sudden he was a child again, handcuffed to a table while Lola stood over him, sneering and licking her lips, moving in closer and letting her breath send chills up and down his spine. _“Give us a kiss, huh?”_ Lola would whisper before she pressed her lips to the younger Neil, using it as a distraction so he wouldn't notice the knife that she was about to slide under his skin or, if we wasn't as lucky, the hands that she would trail over his body.

Neil felt the vomit in his throat rising as Nicky's tongue lapped at his lips, and Neil stayed there powerless to do anything, frozen by the fear of long buried memories.

“Look at those faggots!” A loud voice called from the other side of the street.

Nicky removed himself from Neil's lips and turned his face in time to meet a fist that was being thrown his way. Neil heard it make contact with a terrifying crunch and his eyes tracked Nicky as he fell to the ground.

The assailant turned his eye's to Neil next but he couldn't move. He was still trapped in an iron cage of memory as the image of Lola above him with her hands on him played over and over in his mind.

“I'm talking to you, faggot!” The other man yelled as he backhanded Neil. Neil wince as he felt his face fly through the air and make contact with the wall as it scraped along the bricks.

When he was unsatisfied by Neil's lack of response after that he sent a knee flying into Neil's ribs.

Neil's eyes went wide as he fell to the ground and gasped for air. The world was finally coming back to him but he was powerless to do anything now other than watch as the man stood above him with a raised foot that was dangerously close to making impact with his head on the side of the curb. He closed his eyes and waited for pain but nothing came except the sound of muffled voices and another loud crash.

Neil finally opened his eyes and saw Andrew, surrounded by an angelic ring of light from the streetlight in front of him, sending a kick into the attackers stomach.

“Get the fuck away from my bar and don't come back.” Andrew growled as he left the attacker laying on the ground.

Neil blinked a few times as his eyes focused on Andrew. Andrew knelt down and placed a light hand on Neil's shoulder, “Are you OK?”

Neil only nodded, “Nicky?”

“Someone already brought him inside,” Andrew waved off the question, “I'm asking about you.”

“I...I can't stand.” Neil shivered.

Andrew snaked an arm around him and hoisted him up with a sigh, “Useless.”

“Love you too.” Neil said, half deliriously before he'd realized what actually came out of his mouth.

If Andrew heard the slip he didn't say anything about it, “Why didn't you fight back? You can't be that defenseless?”

“I couldn't...I froze.” Neil sighed, “Nicky came at me before and it...I had a flashback and...”

Andrew stopped in his tracks and spun Neil to face him with dizzying speed, Nicky did _what_?”

Shit. Neil sighed, there was no way of getting out of that comment, “Nicky came up to me when I was smoking and stopped me against the wall and kissed me. That's why the guy attacked us, some crazy fucking homophobe.”

“Nicky kissed you?” Andrew snarled, “...did you want him to?”

“What?” Neil gasped, wincing in pain from his ribs, “No, no, no, I'm sorry! The only person I want to kiss it you!”

Andrew growled and shook him by the shoulders, “I don't care if you kiss other people, Neil, as long as you actually wanted to kiss them! Did you tell Nicky no?”

“I...” Neil trailed off, “He pinned me against the wall and said something...Lola used to say before she'd touch me and it shut me down. I couldn't tell him no. I couldn't talk.”

Neil blinked as his eyes began to sting and he realized he was crying.

Andrew tightened his grip on Neil's shoulder and leaned in close, using a softer voice that Neil had never heard before, “Neil, did you say _yes_?”

“No.” Neil breathed.

Andrew closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking again, “Stay here.”

Neil only nodded as Andrew left him in the entryway of the bar. It was a few seconds before he heard a loud crash and the sound of yelling coming from just beyond the door. A few second after that Andrew kicked the door open, sending it flying against the wall. He had Nicky by the hair and was dragging him over to Neil.

“Did Neil agree to kiss you?” Andrew snarled.

Nicky's eyes went between his cousin and Neil and they widened in fear, “No...but he didn't tell me to stop.”

“You stupid son of a bitch.” Andrew growled as he pushed Nicky into the lamp post next to him which sent a reverberating vibration up the length of it.

“What the fuck, Andrew.” Nicky yelped.

“If I find out you so much as shake another fucking person's hand without them saying yes then that black eye will be the least of your problems.” Andrew lowered his voice so that the next part was almost inaudible but Neil heard every syllable, “And if you touch something that's mine again I will fucking kill you.”

Nicky's face turned stark white and he nodded furiously.

“Good, now get the fuck out of my sight.” Andrew growled as Nicky turned and ran down the street.

Neil slowly followed Andrew back into the bar, unable to move as fast as he would have liked because of the pain in his ribs, and leaned against the closest wall once he was inside.

“Everyone close out your tabs and get the hell out, we're closing early tonight!” Andrew yelled from the center of the room.

Any angry cries and disagreements were quickly silenced by the death glare he gave everyone.

“You're coming upstairs with me so I can make sure they didn't knock something loose.” Andrew sighed.

“The bar?” Neil wondered.

“Roland will take care of it and lock up, we're done down here for the night.” Andrew offered his arm to Neil once again, which he accepted, and helped him up the stairs towards Andrew's apartment.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

Andrew flipped the light to his apartment on as he helped Neil through the door.

“Go sit on the couch while I get something for your face.” Andrew cautiously eyed Neil as he made a shaky walk the the couch, he didn't trust the idiot to make it even that far in one piece.

Once he was satisfied Neil wasn't going to get himself killed on the coffee table he turned his attention to the bathroom, fishing out bandages and peroxide for Neil's stupid, yet beautiful, face. Andrew returned to the living room and perched himself on the coffee table while leaned forward from his seat on the couch. Andrew laid out the supply next to him and held a tentative hand next to Neil's face.

“Are you OK with me touching your face?” Andrew double checked.

“Yes.” Neil nodded with a half vacant stare.

Andrew traced a light finger over Neil's jaw and felt him shudder under his touch. He bit back a smart comment and turned his attention to Neil's forehead and the gash above his eyebrow. “I think you can make it without stitches.”

“Joy.” Neil hummed.

Andrew poured a bit of peroxide on the gauze pad and gave Neil a light tap, “This is gonna sting a little.”

“I've had worse.” Neil shrugged.

Andrew shook his head and dabbed the solution on top of the gash and Neil didn't so much as flinch.

He looked back up and into Neil's eyes and saw the vacant look again, it was as if he was looking right through him.

Andrew pulled the back off of band-aid and pressed it to Neil's wound before speaking again, “You jumped up about ten points, by the way.”

“What?” Neil chuckled as some of the life returned to his eyes, “Because I'm weak?”

“No, you idiot,” Andrew flicked him on the nose, “because you apologized to me for Nicky kissing you.”

“Oh,” Neil sighed, “I just didn't want you to think I kissed him on purpose.”

“Idiot,” Andrew hummed, “I already told you that I don't care who you kiss as long as you actually want to.”

Neil frowned and looked away from Andrew, “I don't want to kiss anyone other than you.”

Andrew groaned and tried his best to ignore the flip-flopping feeling in his stomach. Neil was falling too hard, too fast. But Andrew had to admit that he wasn't too broken up about it. Even when it came to himself, he had a hard time wanting to do anything with someone who wasn't Neil. Hell, he couldn't even manage to find Roland that appealing anymore and spent the week in between his last kiss with Neil dodging Roland's every attempt to get himself tied up and blown.

“111%” Andrew mumbled.

Neil let out a small laugh and raised his hand, stopping just short of the one Andrew had on his face off of instinct, “Can I touch your hand?”

Andrew took in a deep breath and nodded a yes. He closed his eyes as he felt Neil's hand lightly cup the top of his as it pressed to his face, “Thank you for protecting me. No one has ever done that before.”

Andrew opened his eyes to find Neil's icy blue one's looking directly at him, renewed with life, and bit his tongue before leaning in closer, “Yes or no?”

“Yes.” Neil breathed as he leaned in halfway to meet Andrew's lips.

The kiss was just as intense as the first they shared and Andrew shuddered as he felt Neil's teeth nip against his lips just before their tongues broke through each others barriers. Andrew leaned back slightly to stand without breaking the kiss and wrapped an arm around Neil to help him up.

Neil winced and cried out in pain immediately as he stood and Andrew crossed to the other side of the room in less than half a second with both of his hands up.

Neil looked up at him, his face a mixture of confusion and pain, as he doubled over and grabbed his side, “It wasn't you, Andrew. That wasn't a no.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow and walked back towards him, “What's wrong?”

“My ribs,” Neil winced as he turned, “The fucker kneed me in them.”

“Shit,” Andrew huffed, “I need to see if they're broken.”

“You can tell?” Neil laughed for half a second before it turned into a cough of pain.

“I have experience,” Andrew shrugged, “I just need to check them out.”

Neil's eyes went wide as he realized what Andrew was asking him, “With...my shirt off?”

Andrew closed his eyes and nodded before he spoke again, “I can try to show you how to check yourself in the bathroom or we can get you a cab to the hospital but you need to get them checked now.”

“I...” Neil lowered his head and frowned.

“If you say I'm sorry I swear I will kick you out.” Andrew groaned, “It's fine. Let me find my phone and I'll go down stairs and get you a cab.”

He wouldn't begrudge Neil of his privacy but his need to protect the idiot outweighed the desire to crush their lips together so if the only way to make sure his dumb ass was OK was to kick him out then it had to be dumb. Andrew rummaged around for his phone before Neil's voice stopped him.

“Andrew?”

Andrew sighed and turned around to face Neil who was looking everywhere but his face, "Neil...”

“You can check for yourself.” Neil breathed.

“I'm not going to make you do that, Neil. I want to make sure you're OK but not if it makes you uncomfortable, I'll go to the hospital with you if you want me to.”

“Andrew, dammit, I'm telling you it's a yes.” Neil sighed, “I just need...can you turn around?”

Andrew nodded and turned, listening to the sound of Neil pull his shirt off and toss it to the ground. He balled his hands into a fist, wincing as his nails dug into his palms, and waited.

“OK.” Neil said softly.

Andrew turned around as slowly as he possibly could and almost had the breath knocked out of him when he look in Neil's body. It was covered in scars of various sizes, shapes, and colors. There were thin, faint lines crisscrossing his chest and abdomen. Those soon blended or gave way to deeper and darker cuts, some more jagged than other that looked like they were made with a serrated blade of some sort. His right shoulder bore the perfect mark of an iron and Andrew's stomach dropped when he put the image together with part of the story Neil had told him the other night. There were hundreds of marks and Andrew felt an intense rage growing inside of his body. He wanted to fucking kill every single person that had ever put a mark on that body.

“I know it's disg-” Andrew cut him off.

“Shut up, Neil.”

Andrew shook his head, Neil's body was as far from disgusting as it could be. His body was a testament to his strength, his surviveability, it showed every single battlehe had to win to still be standing today. Plus. Andrew couldn't deny that it was sexy as fuck. Even below the scars you could see the impressive lines of Neil's lean, runners body. Andrew wanted to kiss every mark on that beautiful body.

Neil took a slight step forward, “You can touch it.”

Andrew nodded, knowing he still needed to check Neil's ribs, but as he got closer his eye was caught by another mark on Neil's left shoulder. It was rough, circular, and pink, “Is this?”

“Yeah,” Neil laughed, “That's a bullet wound.”

“What the hell?” Andrew shook his head.

“One night I got a hold of Lola's gun somehow and tried to shoot her...but the safety was still on. She took it from me and had someone hold me down while she shot me in the shoulder.” Neil shuddered.

“Neil,” Andrew breathed as his fingers traced over the faint pink mark.

“Hey,” Neil whispered, “Aren't you supposed to be checking my ribs?”

“Right.” Andrew shuddered as he trailed his fingers over Neil's rib cage, lightly poking and prodding at the area that was already beginning to bruise.

“Fuck, Andrew.” Neil winced, “If they're not broken now they will be.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and pulled his hands away from Neil, “Stop being a baby, they're just bruised.”

“Thank you.” Neil smiled, “Yes or no?”

Andrew rolled his eyes and felt his stomach flip over again, “Yes.”

Neil leaned forward this time, his lips making first contact and Andrew felt his heart flutter. The kiss was soft and fleeting, only lasting a few seconds before Neil pulled away. “It's my turn for a question.”

“OK.” Andrew nodded, still well aware that Neil was shirtless and standing close to him.

“If you hate me as much as you claim then why kiss me? Why protect me?” Neil said with a hint of something behind his eyes.

Andrew groaned to hold back his true answer _I don't hate you, in fact, I actually really fucking like you_ , “Your lips are a good distraction, I guess.”

Neil laughed for a brief second before going completely quiet, Andrew looked up to see his eyes had gone wide.

“Neil?” Andrew asked, taking a step back and removing his hands.

“Get me a pen and paper, quick.” Neil said, waving his hands around frantically.

“Seriously?” Andrew let a blank expression return to his face.

“Andrew! Before I lose it!” Neil whined.

“112%” Andrew sighed as he pulled a piece of paper off of the coffee table and thrust a pen from his pocket into Neil's chest.

Neil sat back at the cough and began to frantically scribble at the paper, biting the end of the pen for a few seconds before seemingly becoming satisfied. All Andrew could make out before Neil stuffed the paper in his pocket was the word 'distraction'.

“Did that really just happen?” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“I can't help where the inspiration strikes!” Neil protested.

“Whatever,” Andrew sighed, “Put your shirt back on, junkie.”

“About that...” Neil trailed off.

Andrew turned around to find Neil standing again, his hands deep in his pockets, and rocking back and forth on his heels. Andrew raised an eyebrow as he took in the impressive sight of his body, “About what?”

“What you said earlier in the bar...did you mean it?” Neil whispered.

Andrew wracked his mind until the one thing that stood out settled onto him and his eyes went wide. “Neil.”

“I want you to...if you want to.” Neil shuddered.

“Want me to what?” Andrew said quietly.

“Blow me.” Neil blushed as he averted his eyes from Andrew again.

“Neil,” Andrew sighed, “You're not thinking clearly. After Nicky I think that's the last thing you need.”

“I'm saying yes, Andrew.” Neil straightened his back and stood his ground, “I trust you, I trust you enough to show you my body. I trust you enough to give you more of me if you want it.”

He wanted it. He wanted it so fucking badly.

“Are you sure? Tell me again, Neil. Look into my eyes and tell me yes. I'll know if you're lying.” Andrew said as he stalked towards Neil, stopping just inches from his face.

“Yes, Andrew.” Neil breathed, sending shivers down Andrew's spin, “Yes, I want to feel your mouth on me.”

Andrew studied his eyes for long minutes, looking for any trace of hesitation or apprehension in the icy blue lakes, and he was equally as excited and disappointed when he found none.

“If we do this...you can't stay after. You have to leave, I can't...” Andrew trailed off.

“I will, I get it.” Neil nodded, “I can't be tied up though. I've overheard Roland talking and...I can't do that.”

Andrew felt all the air leave his body, he'd never done anything consensually with another person who wasn't restrained in one way or another but as his eyes drifted from Neil's face to the deep grooves of the scars on his wrists from where he'd been restrained as a child it all clicked with him and he did something he never would have imagine he'd do. “OK.”

“Really?” Neil's eyes went wide.

“Yes,” Andrew whispered, “I trust you.”

Neil nodded, “I won't touch you.”

Andrew pulled him in for a kiss before pushing his away again, “If it becomes a no at _any_ point you tell me.”

Neil nodded and Andrew pressed a hand to his chest, relishing the feeling of Neil's rough lines before his hand and began to slowly move his hand down the planes of his body, his fingers lightly trailing over raised scars and abs before they settled on the waistband of his jeans, “Yes or no?”

“Yes.” Neil's breath hitched.

Andrew pulled Neil in for another kiss, his tongue breaking through into Neil's mouth almost instantly, the breath flowing together as Andrew undid the button of Neil's jeans. He pulled his mouth away to take in the sight of Neil's growing erection under his briefs as Andrew peeled the jeans off of him. His hand hovered over the fabric and he leaned in to whisper another question, “Yes or no?”

“Still yes.” Neil gasped as Andrew's hand slid beneath the fabric and took a hold of his cock.

Andrew smiled as the shiver he felt race through Neil's body as he began to slowly stroke him. After only a minute or two he could feel his hands becoming sticky with Neil's precum and he bit back a laugh, it was Neil's first time with something like this, of course he wouldn't last long. It was for the best, Andrew figured, for both of them. He pulled Neil's briefs down and watched with satisfaction as his cock popped out and stood at full attention.

“Sit down.” Andrew said softly as he pushed Neil back to the sofa.

Neil nodded and took a seat on the couch with his hands under his now bare ass and Andrew felt his stomach flip again at the sign of trust.

“Tell me when you're close.” Andrew smiled as he got down on his knees and pushed Neil's legs far enough apart to fit between them.

He trailed kisses up Neil's thighs and smiled at the explicit gasps it produced. He paused one final time as he was about to take Neil into his mouth, “Yes or no?”

“I trust you, Andrew. Yes.”

Andrew took a deep breath before he flicked his tongue over the tip of Neil's cock, relishing the salty taste of his precum and even more the strangled sound that came out of Neil's throat.

The sounds that followed as Andrew took Neil into his mouth and played with the head of his cock using his tongue could only be described as non-human.

Ignoring his own tightening jeans he pulled his mouth off of Neil's cock, replacing it with his hand and began to slowly stroke him as he ran his tongue along the vein on the underside of Neil's swollen cock.

“Oh my...Andrew...I think I'm close.” Neil groaned.

Andrew smiled and took Neil back into his mouth, taking him all the way down his throat and settling his nose between the tuft of hair at the base of Neil's cock and his skin before he hummed.

The hum sent a vibration through both of them and Neil let out an ear piercing scream as he came, hard and fast, into Andrew's mouth.

Andrew kept the humming up as jet after jet of Neil's cum his the back of his throat, some making it down when he swallowed and some escaping his mouth and falling to Neil's pale skin.

Andrew swallowed a few more times before pulling his mouth off of Neil and kissed his way up his body and over his scars to give him a few precious seconds to catch his breath before he had to leave.

“That was...amazing.” Neil said between breaths before he opened his eyes.

Andrew stayed silent, holding a firm grip on the edge of the couch to try and anchor himself to the present.

Neil slowly stood from the couch and gathered up his clothes before looking down at Andrew with a smile.

Andrew cut him off before he could speak, “You can use a towel in the bathroom to clean up while you get changed back into your clothes.”

Neil only nodded and silently walked to back to the bathroom and shut the door.

Andrew kept his eyes closed and his grip on the cough firm.

Stay in the here. Stay in the now. Stay in the present. With Neil. It was Neil. He let you. You wanted to. You trust him. He trusts you. It felt right. It felt good.

Andrew only looked up when he heard the bathroom door open again and saw Neil standing there, now dressed, with his hair a little bit more messy than it was before. “I'm going now.” Neil smiled.

Andrew only nodded and watched him step out of the door, before Neil could make it out fully he spoke, “Hey, take a cab. I don't want you walking with bruised ribs.”

“OK.” Neil smiled and nodded before closing the door.

Andrew stood the instant the door closed and pressed his body against it as he flicked every lock closed and let out a long breath. He clenched his hands as they began to shake.

Andrew felt something he'd never felt before after he'd gotten someone off before: happiness. He always felt satisfaction in the power he'd exerted and the fact that he made a man cum for him under _his_ terms, but he'd never felt happy.

Somehow they had just made it work, the man who couldn't be tied down together with the man who couldn't be touched.

He took a deep breath and through of the look on Neil's face after he came and felt the tremors stop. What he was left with was a warm feeling in his chest and a salty taste in his mouth from Neil. He shook his head and turned his attention to the still aching bulge in his own jeans.

Andrew stripped his clothes as he walked across the apartment and by the time he'd made it back to the couch he was completely naked, standing above where Neil has just sat. He sat back down in Neil's vacated spot and wrapped his hand around his own cock and began to stroke himself, closing his eyes and remembering the sight of Neil in front of him shirtless, then naked. He thought of the sounds Neil made as he writhed above him and how Neil tasted in his mouth. It was enough to bring him to the edge and soon after he was unloading all over himself, jet after jet landing on his body and dripping it's way down over his abs.

“ _Neil._ ” Andrew huffed as he looked down at his cum covered body with a slight smile on the edge of his lips.

“Dammit.”

 

 


	7. High By The Beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yet another chapter that was originally supposed to be two but i had to stop because it was getting too long. 
> 
> warnings throughout, this one gets pretty fucking dark with regards to suicide and past trauma

 

 

 

 

7

[High By The Beach](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qia1BTiP6O0)

 

**Neil**

 

Several things ran through Neil's head when he woke up the next morning: holy fuck, my head hurts, holy fuck my ribs hurt, and _holy fuck, Andrew_. The only thing that reminded him last night wasn't a dream was the searing pain in his side, he pulled back the covers and looked down the check the damage, finding a smattering of purple and green stretching across his rib cage and was suddenly second guessing Andrew's assessment of them. He rolled over to find his phone to text Andrew and froze as the thought occurred to him that Andrew might now want to hear from him so soon after last night. He wouldn't begrudge Andrew his space and he desperately didn't want to move too quickly and risk scaring him off because he sure as shit wanted it to happen again.

When he finally found his phone in the tangled sheets a goofy smile crossed his face, he had a text from Andrew that had come in sometime in the last few hours while he was asleep.

“Let me know you didn't die in your sleep.” The text was simple, to the point, and so very Andrew.

Neil bit his lip as he tried to work out his reply. He felt so much like a stupid teenage girl, laying in bed and running through various responses in his head just so he didn't say the wrong thing. Eventually he settled on, “Still alive. I think. Ribs look terrible. Sure they're not broken?”

Neil pushed the phone aside and gingerly got himself out of bed, pausing as his body straightened out to minimize the pain. He shuffled himself as slowly as he could to the bathroom, pausing it take in the sight of his now bruised face too. He looked like shit.

Neil slowly peeled back the bandage that Andrew had put on his head to check the damage and let out a breath when he saw it was nothing serious. He'd have to take it slow for a few days but as long as there wasn't some secret internal bleeding from his ribs he wagered he'd make it. He pulled open the still broken medicine cabinet and swallowed a few Aleve's before starting the shower.

Neil stripped down and settled in under the relaxing spray of the hot shower and felt his muscles relax. The water washed over him, soothing every ache and pain, and rinsed away the dirt and grime of the last 24 hours. He ran a shampoo covered hand through his growing hair, working out the kinks and tangles, and made sure not to turn himself too much as he lathered up his body before rinsing all the soap. When he was satisfied he was clean enough he turned off the shower and fished a towel off of the wall just outside, running it across his body and over his dripping wet hair before wrapping it around his waist and walking back into his room and towards his phone. When he picked it up he saw there was another reply from Andrew.

“What does it look like?”

Neil wracked his brain trying to figure out a way to describe the color of his ribs before he shrugged and walked over to the full length mirror in the corner of his room. He raised one arm and held it behind his head as he angled his bruised side towards the mirror and snapped a picture to send to Andrew. He attached the image along with the text, “What's the damage?” and hit send.

The second his finger left the screen his eyes went wide and he went into panic mode as he realized he'd just sent Andrew a picture of him dripping wet and in only a towel. There was less than ten seconds between the picture being sent and his phone ringing with a call from Andrew.

“Hello.” Neil said sheepishly.

“Neil.” Andrew droned.

“Andrew.” Neil said in a shaky voice.

“124%” Andrew sighed.

“Seriously?” Neil gasped, “I didn't mean it like that! I just figured it was easier to show you!”

“Your ribs aren't broken.” Andrew groaned.

“Thank you.” Neil huffed.

“I hate you.” Andrew said before hanging up but Neil swore he could hear the hint of a smile in his voice.

Neil rolled his eyes and threw his phone on the dresser while he rummaged through his closet to find an outfit that was comfortable enough to spend a few hours in the studio with Dan today to lock down the last few songs of her album. He settled on a pair of harem sweatpants and a loose fitting shirt that would drape over his still hurting ribs without any problems. He knew there was no use is worrying about his face so he shrugged off the idea of a hat or something similar and quickly dressed before running his hands through his still damp hair to get it looking exactly how he wanted it to.

Neil gave the apartment one last glance before shoving his wallet and phone into his pocket, grabbing his back, and heading towards the elevator. Halfway down the hall his phone because to ring again, he pulled it out of his pocket and answered before even looking at who it was, “How many times am I going to have to apologize for the picture, Andrew? I really didn't realize it was that revealing.”

A surprised cough came from the other line before Allison's voice poured out, “Excuse me?”

Neil stopped in his tracks and instantly felt his cheeks flush, “Uh...I...you didn't hear that.”

“Not only did I hear it,” Allison laughed, “I pictured it too. Really, Nate?”

“It's not what it sounds like!” Neil pleaded as he hit the button to call the elevator.

“Really? Apologizing for sending dirty pictures is what it sounds like.” Allison chided.

“No!” Neil groaned, “I accidentally sent him a picture of me in a towel when I was just trying to show him the bruises on my ribs.”

“Bruises?” Allison gasped, “What did he do to you?”

“Do to me?” Neil asked.

“Why do you have bruises after seeing him?” Allison demanded.

“Allison, calm down,” Neil sighed, “some asshole jumped me outside of the bar last night. Hit me in the face and kneed me in the ribs. Andrew beat the shit out of him after.”

Allison was silent for a few seconds before she let out a long breath, “I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?”

Neil bit back a smile and leaned against the wall as the elevator made it's descent, “Andrew said the same thing.”

“Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.” Allison mocked, “I'm coming over to make sure you're not dead.”

“Don't bother,” Neil shrugged, “I'm on the way out right now to meet Dan at the studio.”

“Don't give her all the good stuff.” Allison laughed.

“Nothing to give her, we're just polishing up the last of the stuff we worked on together. Though I did rewrite a bit of one of the songs last night.”

“Such a multitasker.”

“What can I say, I find inspiration all over.”

 

*

 

The interior of the studio was dim, lit only by a few lights and the flickering glow of candles in the recording booth. Dan Wilds sat spinning in an office chair, absentmindedly moving back and forth as an instrumental track poured through the speakers. Neil watched her head as it tracked every beat of the music with a slight nod and laughed to himself as she threw her hands up in victory when it ended.

“This is it! This is the final version of the instrumental for Wildfire!”

“I like it,” Neil said from the back of the studio, “it's got a darkness to it.”

Dan spun her chair around to face him with a grin plastered on her face, “Think it's first single worthy?”

“Totally.” Neil nodded, “You're lucky to have your new label. Allison's would never let her release something like that now.”

Dan let out a long sigh, “She needs to get out from under Edgar Allan Records.”

“They were good to her for the longest time, until the Moriyama's took over. Ever since it's just been putting out the same generic shit.” Neil rolled his eyes.

Dane bounced up from her seat and crossed the room to pull him into a hug, “At least you're not under contract with them anymore.”

Neil only smiled and nodded, the fact that his publishing contract with them ran out last year was the only reason he was still able to work with Dan after she left the label. As it stood, Neil was a free agent and able to work with anyone who actually wanted him, “Lucky for you.”

“Someone has an ego.” Dan winked and fell back towards the cough against the wall, “I might have heard a rumor though.”

Neil raised an eyebrow and shrugged off his bag and sat on the arm of the couch, “Oh?”

“You didn't hear this from me, and take it with a grain of salt, but Matt and I have both heard from separate people within my label that they're interested in signing you.” Dan leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees.

Neil rolled his eyes, it wasn't the first time he'd heard about another label taking an interest in locking him down for an exclusive publishing deal, “I'm done with publishing contracts, Dan. I just want to write what I want to write and work with who I want to work with without it having to be approved.”

“Always so perceptive, Neil.” Dan laughed, “I don't mean a publishing deal, Palmetto Records has, supposedly, been having discussions about you ever since your performance at The Fox Hole went viral.”

“I highly doubt that.” Neil rolled his eyes.

“I'm just telling you what I've heard,” Dan shrugged, “Wouldn't that be some shit though? You and Allison got your old deals through The Fox Hole and now you might finally get that record deal you've wanted because of the same place?”

“I stopped wanting that record deal awhile ago, Dan.” Neil groaned.

“You say that now,” Dan grinned, “Just keep an open mind if something does happen.”

Neil shook his head, “Let's just get to work.”

“Whatever you say, boss man.” Dan laughed.

Neil opened his bag, forcing himself to forget about what Dan had just said, and pulled out his notebook and the piece of paper he'd written on at Andrew's last night.

“Wait,” Dan stopped him, “what the fuck happened to your face?”

Neil let out another sigh and leaned back on the couch, ignoring the pain coming from his ribs, “Bar brawl, I guess.”

“At The Fox Hole?”

“Yeah, Andrew broke it up though.”

“Andrew, huh? I talked to Roland the other day, he said you and that member of the Lollipop Guild are getting pretty close.”

Neil let his face fall to his hands and took in a deep breath. He was seriously getting sick and tired of people obsession over and talking about how much time he spends with Andrew, or how much he talks about Andrew, or anything to do with him and fucking Andrew, and he'd finally snapped, “Why is everyone so obsessed with this topic?”

Dan let out a surprised squeak and stepped backwards, he hands raised in defense, “Sorry! I'll drop it!”

Neil let out another sigh and looked back up at her, “It's not your fault, I'm sorry. I just had a long night.”

“Don't worry about it, babe.” Dan smiled and turned her back to him, “For what it's worth though, I like him.”

Neil waved her off but did smile a bit at the warmth inside his chest. It was nice that at least one person he was close to didn't actually hate Andrew, two if you counted Renee. He shook his head and pulled out the wrinkled piece of paper from Andrew's apartment last night. “You might not like me after I show you this.”

“What is it?” Dan raised an eyebrow.

“I reworked the chorus and bridge of Distraction last night.” Neil grinned.

“I hate you.” Dan sighed as she snatched the paper from his hands.

“It's a common theme for me lately.” Neil laughed, “It's not that big of a change, I just didn't think the last version flowed well enough.”

Dan gave the paper a few read through before turning her eyes back to Neil, “I like this better. Matt's not here but I can pull up the track and lay it down really quickly.”

Dan walked over to the soundboard and clicked around for a few minutes before she waved Neil over, “Press this button when I give you the thumbs up and it'll start the track and a recording, Matt can mix it all together later.”

Neil nodded and watched as she went into the booth, put on her headphones and read the paper on final time before giving him the signal. He hit the button and recognized the track for the song they'd been working on for the last few months and closed one eye as he waited for Dan to get to the new section of the song.

 

_I can't say I give my all_   
_But tonight, I'd risk it all_   
_Woah, woah, woah_   
_Are you down to be..._   
  
_Are you down to be a distraction baby_   
_But don't distract me, let me ask you baby_   
_Do you, do you, do you wanna be_   
_A distraction baby_

 

Dan gave him another thumbs up as she was done singing and he hit the button again to stop the recording while she exited the booth. “Yeah, this is better than the last version. Matt it going to lose his mind though, this song was supposed to be locked tomorrow.”

Neil shrugged, “Then you guys have plenty of time to finish it tonight.”

Dan rolled her eyes but otherwise ignored him as she fell into the seat next to him, “You're coming my my show at Eden's on Thursday, right?”

Neil's eyes went wide, he'd completely forgotten about Dan's show at Eden's Twilight on Thursday to premier her new single, “Yeah, totally.”

“Good,” Dan laughed, “even though you just now remembered it.”

“I...” Neil trailed off in embarrassment.

“You should see if a certain bartender wants to come.” Dan winked at him.

Neil let out a shirt laugh that hurt his ribs, “I think Eden's is the last place Andrew would ever want to be.”

“Who said anything about Andrew?” Dan smiled, “I was talking about Roland.”

“I hate you.” Neil groaned as he pulled out his phone, hesitation before he pulled up his messages with Andrew and typed out a message.

“In the studio with Dan. She wants to know if you want to come to her single premier with us at Eden's on Thursday.”

A few seconds later Neil's phone rang out with a reply from Andrew, “What's in it for me?”

“What do you want?”

“I'll let you know.”

“Is that a yes?”

“125%”

Neil felt himself grin at the last message before he looked up at Dan, “Andrew will be there.”

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

Andrew spent the week leading up to Thursday night waffling between a multitude of feelings towards Neil. At some points his heart would be filled with the closest thing he'd ever felt to affection, those were the time's he'd think about Neil's stupid laugh, the way his stupid blue eyes went wide any time Andrew said something nice to him, the small smile that would dance across his stupid lips every time Andrew asked him yes or no. Those were the times Andrew fucking loved.

The other times though? Those times were filled with resentment for the idiot. Resentment for the fact that he was making Andrew feel anything at all. If he stopped and let himself think about how much he liked the feeling of Neil writhing under him when he was naked on Andrew's couch, or the way Neil savored every fucking kiss as if he had been lost in the Sahara for months and Andrew was his newly found oasis. The way Neil looked at him sometimes like he was the answer to some question that Neil had been trying to solve for his entire life.

Andrew was no one's answer, he was always someones problem or someone to be used. He couldn't be the person to help fix someone else who was broken. He couldn't be the one who held Neil together when he was falling apart, not when he was so fucked up himself.

But it was time to forget about that for now, his daily allotment for brooding was over. He pushed away the dark thoughts about Neil and let the light ones back in, starting with a glance at that fucking picture the idiot had sent him the other day. Andrew would never admit it but that picture was the inspiration for quite a few sessions of alone time over the last few days.

Before he could think anymore about the picture his phone rang, he looked down and saw that it was, of course, Neil, “What?”

“Hello to you too.” Neil laughed.

“I'm trying to get ready for this bullshit, Neil, what do you want?” Andrew growled.

“I'm just curious to know why there's a box with your name on it sitting at my front door?” Neil asked with a hesitant voice.

Andrew squinted for a minute before remembering, “Oh, that. Open it.”

“Is it going to explode?” Neil laughed.

“Why ask questions your already know the answer to?” Andrew groaned as he sat on the edge of the bed.

He listened to the sound of tape ripping and Neil cursing in the background for a few minutes before, “What the hell, Andrew?”

“I believe the words you're looking for are 'thank you'.” Andrew said as he put the phone on speaker and threw it in the middle of his bed as he began to dress himself for the evening out.

“Why did you send me a box full of clothing?” Neil laughed.

“Because, Neil,” Andrew began, “I've seen the kind of clothes you wear and they're not the most...stylish.”

“I wasn't aware you cared so much about style.” Neil laughed.

“I've been to Eden's, Neil.” Andrew sighed, “If you're making me go with you then you're at least going to look like you know how to dress yourself, even if that means I have to dress you.”

“How do you even know the right sizes?” Neil sighed.

“I looked at the sizes when I took your clothes off and then sized them down by one, everything should fit perfectly.” Andrew hoped the smiled that was on his face wasn't audible through the phone.

There was more silence on the other end of the line, followed by a loud thump and a groan that echoed from far away.

“I should have known better than to think you could actually manage to dress yourself without getting injured.” Andrew rolled his eyes as he pulled a tight fitting black v-neck out of his closet and slid it on over his head, it matched perfectly with his armbands.

“I wasn't...I don't wear jeans this tight, I tripped when I was putting them on!” Neil groaned.

“You're helpless, Josten.” Andrew laughed as he ran a hand through his hair.

Neil's voice dropped and he almost purred, “You can come help me get dressed then.”

“Neil.” Andrew warned.

“Yeah, yeah.” Neil laughed.

“Wear the ripped dark denim and the forest green shirt, it'll bring out your eyes and hair.” Andrew said absentmindedly.

“The forest green is the...” Neil trailed off, unsure of himself.

Andrew let out another loud groan that was closer to a strangled yell, “The darker of the two greens, Neil.”

“Oh,” Neil giggled, “Thank you.”

“Helpless.” Andrew sighed.

“This was really nice, Andrew,” Neil breathed and he could hear that stupid fucking smile even through the phone, “Thank you.”

“Hanging up now.” Andrew rolled his eyes and leaned over the bed to end the call.

The stupid idiot couldn't even dress himself.

 

*

 

The entrance to Eden's Twilight was usually a bustling throng of bodies clad in skin tight clothing and metal chains., at least it was last time Andrew had been there but tonight it was different. He'd never been to the club when it was housing a concert and was surprised to find that the lower level, which was usually a wide open dance floor, was filled with a crowd of people wearing shirts that had Dan Wilds' face on it. The stage, which usually just held the nights DJ, was roped off and framed with more signs featuring Dan.

Andrew had barely stumbled into the club after bypassing the line by giving the doorman his name before he spotted Neil. He had to bite his lip at how good he looked. Neil was, as asked, dressed in the dark and ripped denim skinny jeans that showed off his perfect ass every time he turned around. The dark green shirt brought out the auburn in his hair along with the icy blue eyes that made him look heavenly. As far as Andrew was concerned, Neil was the best looking person in the entire fucking building. Which, of course, pissed him off.

Neil caught sight of him from across the room and that damn smile stretched across his stupid face. He began jumping up and down, flailing his arms in the air trying to get Andrew's attention. Someone's ribs were feeling better, at least.

Andrew rolled his eyes and weaved his way through the crowd, doing his best to avoid anyone strange touching him, and found himself directly in front of Neil.

“You came.” Neil smiled softly.

“”Didn't trust you to not get trampled in a stampede or something.” Andrew shrugged.

“What do you think of the outfit?” Neil laughed, holding his arms out to the side and spinning in a circle for dramatic effect.

Andrew bit the inside of his lip to fight himself from looking at Neil's ass, “I told you they would fit.”

Neil opened his mouth to say something before closing it again after having changed his mind, “Allison is behind you.”

Andrew groaned and turned to find himself face to chest with Allison.

Allison took a step back and looked down before she spoke, “You actually came.”

“I did?” Andrew asked with a roll of his eyes.

“Ever the charmer, I see.” Allison winked before turning to Neil, “Did you...actually go shopping for clothes?”

“Well, uh,” Neil stammered, “Andrew got them for me.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow but otherwise stayed silent under Allison's glare.

“Hmm,” she hummed, “if you can get this one to dress halfway decently then maybe you're not as bad as I thought you were.”

“That's the closest thing to an approval you'll get.” Neil grinned before reaching out a hand and stopping halfway, “Yes or no?”

Andrew eyed the hand that was reaching towards his before he drifted back towards Neil's stupid face with it's stupid apprehensive smile and sighed, “Yes.”

Neil lightly grasped his hand to Andrew's and after a few more seconds Andrew relented and opened his fingers, allowing Neil to thread theirs together and lead him upstairs to the VIP area. Andrew let out a sigh of relief when he realized they'd be in the less crowded VIP area as opposed to the general admission crowd.

When they reached the top of the stairs they found a long couch stretched across the length of the VIP area and two tables, one that was surrounded by people Andrew had never seen before and one that sat Allison, Renee, and Matt.

“That table is a group from Dan's label.” Neil nodded.

Andrew only grunted out a reply before he followed Neil, their hands still threaded together, to the other table. Andrew made a note of how all three faces at the table went directly for the sight of their hands together before quickly averting their gazes.

“Andrew.” Renee smiled and gave him a small wave.

Andrew nodded back at her and returned a small wave as Neil let go of his hand to pull Matt into a hug.

“Show should be starting any minute.” Matt said as he gave Andrew a nod.

Andrew stayed silent and waited for Neil to sit before me took a seat himself. Neil took a chair right next to Allison and Andrew took the last remaining one that was right next to him. He caught Neil eyeing him from the side and he rolled his eyes before knocking their knees together in a silent scolding. It did nothing but make Neil stare even harder.

Mercifully, the lights went down and a lour roar echoed through the building which signaled the start of Dan's show.

The light's focused on the center of the stage as she stepped onto it and under the beam. Her hair was pulled up into two tight buns that formed two small afros on either side of her head, there was a long chain piercing that connected a hoop in her ear to a hood in her nose and she was dressed in only a large, oversized sweatshirt and black boots.

“Dan! Dan! Dan!” The crowed began to cheer as more lights filled the stage and the group from their table sprung up to lean over the balcony railing to get a better view. Andrew, begrudgingly, joined them after Neil looked back at him sitting alone at the table and smiled.

“Thank you so much for coming out tonight,” Dan said softly into the mic, “the first song I'm going to do tonight is off of my new album and it's called Distraction.”

“Hey!” Allison cheered, “This is the one you helped her with, right?”

“Yeah!” Neil yelled over the beginning beats of the song.

The word registered in Andrew's mind and he let out a small laugh, “Distraction. This is what you wrote in my apartment the other night.”

“Not the entire thing,” Neil smiled, “You just inspired me to change a few lines.”

“And I don't even get any credit.”

“I'll make it up to you.”

“You already owe me big time for being here.”

“I'm glad you came.”

Andrew would never admit it, but seeing Neil in this element, happy to be with his friends and with him, it made him glad he came too.

“Whatever.” Andrew grunted as Dan began to sing her next song.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

The night would down and eventually Neil's group ended up backstage before the end of the show to give their love and congratulations to Dan. Her voice drifted from the other side of the curtain as her final song began.

 

_Boy look at you looking at me_

_I know you know how I feel_   
_Loving you is hard, being here is harder_   
_You take the wheel_   
_I don't wanna do this anymore, it's so surreal_   
_I can't survive if this is all that's real_

 

Andrew stayed in his shadow almost the entirety of the night, which Neil didn't mind a single bit since it meant he was always so close.

“You were great!” Allison laughed as she pulled Dan into a hug after she walked off stage, “I'm glad I'm already done with my album promotion.”

Matt's only form of encouragement was to pull her into a sweeping kiss and push her away quickly after.

“I love how Distraction sounds live.” Neil grinned.

“Hello to you, too, Andrew, “ Dan rolled her eyes, “Will you be joining us at the after party?”

“No.” Andrew grunted almost immediately.

Allison rolled her eyes but otherwise the rest of the group stayed silent.

Neil shifted awkwardly before speaking, “I'm gonna dip out too. I'm exhausted.”

“No one expected you to come anyway.” Allison laughed as she pulled him into a hug, “I'm sure you two lovebirds are more interested in going back home and fucking until the sun comes up anyway.”

Neil felt his mouth drop to the ground and took a few steps backwards in shock, “I...uh...”

He looked towards Andrew who's face was still as stoic as ever.

“No...” Neil finally breathed as Allison began to laugh and turn her back to the both of them.

“I'm leaving.” Andrew said before giving Neil one last look that seemed to say 'either follow me or not'.

Neil said a few more quick goodbyes before catching with with Andrew right as he made his way outside of the club.

“Apologize for Allison and I'll kick you in the shin.” Andrew warned as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it between his fingers and held his hand out to offer a drag to Neil.

Neil only nodded and took a drag from the cigarette before Andrew pulled it back and placed it in his mouth again.

Neil bit his lip and rocked back and forth on the curb before he spoke again, “We're in two different directions.”

“We are.” Andrew hummed.

“Mine is...” Neil stopped as he realized he was getting presumptuous.

“I don't care which of our places we go to,” Andrew shrugged, “the bar is still open though so it might be a bit noisy at mine.”

“Mine isn't that far,” Neil finally let out a breath of relief, “we can take a cab.”

Andrew's only reply was to hold out a hand and hail a cab which stopped in front of them almost immediately. Neil smiled as Andrew opened the door for him and waved him inside before crawling in to sit close to him. Neil rattled off the directions to his building and leaned his head against the window to watch the city go by as they drove.

The ride was spent in complete silence but every now and then Andrew's knee would bump into his and Neil knew it was a much more conscious choice than it was a side effect of the potholes in the road.

The cab stopped in front of his building and Neil threw the driver a wad of bills at they unloaded themselves from the car. Neil led the way in silence as they passed the doorman and ride the elevator up to his floor. It was a twenty story building and Neil was on the 15th floor. He unlocked the door to his apartment and held the door open to allow Andrew to follow him in.

Andrew took a silent glance around the room before speaking, “I knew your place would look like this.”

“Like what?” Neil laughed.

“Barely lived in.” Andrew shrugged.

“Oh,” Neil sighed, “These last few weeks have been the most time I've been here consecutively.”

“Always a runner.” Andrew smiled before he turned to crowd Neil against the small table, “Yes or no.”

“Yes.” Neil breathed as he put his hands behind his back and angled his head towards Andrew.

Andrew stopped short of kissing him and let out a breath, “My hair. Only.”

“Huh?” Neil hummed.

“You can put your hands in my hair, but only there.” Andrew said before he pressed their lips together.

Neil could have sworn he felt himself levitate off the ground at the touch of Andrew's lips. He hesitated for a second before he removed his hands from behind his back and raised them to Andrew's head, slowly carding his fingers through the others blonde hair. Andrew hummed in afirmation as Neil began to slowly message his scalp and rub small circles into his temples and their tongues danced between each other's mouths.

They stayed pressed together for a few more moments before Andrew broke the kiss and spoke, “I'm going to have to leave right after.”

Neil looked up into his eyes and frowned, “Would you stay if we didn't do anything?”

Andrew narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to speak but Neil cut him off.

“I'm sorry, that was a dumb question, you don't have to stay.” Neil felt like kicking himself.

Andrew pressed another kiss to his lips to silence him before he spoke again, “If you want me to stay I can't blow you.”

“I wasn't expecting you to...I just want to,” Neil bit his lip, “I just want to wake up with you in the morning.”

Andrew pushed him backwards and held him by his shoulders, looking deep into his eyes. So deep that Neil was sure that Andrew was looking into his fucking soul, “You'd rather me stay the night and just sleep than get you off?”

“Yes.” Neil nodded, “If it's a yes from you.”

“Just sleep?” Andrew questioned.

“Yes.” Neil stood his ground.

“No touching.” Andrew narrowed his eyes.

“OK.” Neil nodded.

“No cuddling.” Andrew leaned in closer, never blinking.

“Promise.” Neil whispered.

Andrew pushed him backwards and ran both hands through his hair and growled, “I hate you.”

Neil felt a small smile pull at his lips but he bit the inside of his cheek to stop it from showing itself.

“Give me something I can sleep it,” Andrew growled, “I'm not sleeping in my fucking jeans.”

Neil nodded and scurried down the hallway towards his room with Andrew following behind him. He reached into his drawers and pulled out an oversized shirt and a pair of sweats he figured would fit Andrew who grabbed them with a scowl and walked across the hall to the bathroom to change.

Neil turned his attention to the unmade queen bed in the corner of his room next to the window with the fire escape. The bed always felt huge to him, but now, with the idea of him and Andrew in it trying not to touch, it felt smaller than he ever could have imagined.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

Standing in Neil's bathroom and wearing his fucking clothes was making the resentment show it's nasty head again. He looked into the shattered mirror across from his face, no doubt broken by Neil's stupid fist or something, and felt the feeling swirl inside him. He tried as best as he could to push it away, to tell himself that he actually wanted to be here. And it worked. For the most part.

He was still shocked that Neil would choose a night of sleeping in the same bed with no contact over a blow job. No man, including the one's who had consented to, had ever turned down the option to get off. It was an entirely foreign concept that did much to fight the resentment off with the other feeling he felt for Neil, the warm one that was more happy than angry and confused.

There was just one problem left. Andrew sighed as he pulled back the bands on his arms and ran his fingers over the long, raised scars that ran the length of his forearm. It made the feeling of resentment swirl again. Neil had trusted him with his scars and here he was standing in the mans bathroom and fighting a war with himself over whether or not he'd let Neil see his too.

Andrew gave the mirror one last glance, smiling at the fractured reflection from the broken mirror that so perfectly reflected how he felt inside, and pulled off both armbands, twisting them into a ball and shoving them into the pile of clothes he'd entered the apartment in.

He resolved, at least for tonight, to let Neil in completely.

The door to the bathroom was louder than Andrew would have liked it to be, it gave away his position almost immediately and Neil's icy blue eyes were trained on him the second he stepped into the doorway. His arms were covered at first by the pile of clothes so Neil didn't immediately register the change.

“What side of the bed do you want?” Neil asked.

Andrew realized that the bed was pushed flush against the wall and let out a sigh of relief, “The wall.”

Neil nodded and let out a small yawn, “Did you want to stay up or?”

“Sleep is fine.” Andrew gave a half smile and braced himself as he put the clothes down in a pile next to the door.

His eye's caught Neil's as they registered what was different and he braced himself for a question that never came. It was enough to throw Andrew off completely and he let out a frazzled grunt as Neil turned on the bedside lamp and crawled under the covers.

“Hit the light on your way over.”

Andrew nodded and turned off the light, casting the room into a temporary darkness that was overtaken by the warm yellow light of the lamp. He walked across the room and crawled into the bed, or rather, crawled over Neil to take his place against the wall.

Neil lifted up the blanket to allow Andrew to slide under and he nodded in thanks before a tense atmosphere took over the room.

“Light off?” Neil asked.

“Yes.” Andrew whispered.

The tension only increased in the dark as they both lay there, still and silent, with only the sound of their breathing breaking through the words that were screaming in Andrew's head.

After several long minutes of Andrew looking at the side of Neil's head from his position against the wall he finally let out a long breath that hit Neil on the cheek and got his attention.

“Aren't you going to ask?” Andrew hissed.

“Ask what?” Neil raised an eyebrow that Andrew could only see because of the illumination from the neon signs outside.

“Don't play dumb with me, Josten.” Andrew growled.

“I'm not playing dumb, Andrew.” Neil frowned, “There's nothing I can think about asking you.”

Andrew's frustration hit fever pitch as he shot up in the bed, sitting up straight with his back against the wall, “My arms you fucking dumbass.”

“Oh.” Neil hummed as he sat up and faced Andrew, “I saw you took your arm things off, I just figured that's how you slept.”

“I hate you.” Andrew growled as he held his arms in front of him, his wrists facing up and offering Neil a complete view of them, “Just look.”

Andrew saw Neil's eyes dart downward and he closed his own to wait for a reaction.

“You have scars...” Neil breathed in surprise.

Andrew shook his head, of course the idiot hadn't noticed.

“Yes.” Andrew nodded.

“Why are you showing me? You didn't have to.” Andrew opened his eyes to find Neil's questioning face looking back at him.

Andrew didn't have a good enough reason, and saying I wanted you to see them sounded stupid so he went with his best option, “you showed me yours.”

“So?” Neil said softly as he leaned just a few precious inches closer, “I didn't expect anything from you in return. I never will.”

“Maybe I just wanted to let you in, OK?” Andrew growled.

Neil flinched and retreated back across the line he'd crossed a few seconds earlier, “Well...thank you.”

Fuck it. He already already here and in Neil's bed so why not just go full scorched earth? Andrew eyed Neil once more before he thrust his forearms forward, “You can touch them.”

Neil didn't say anything, instead he let his hands speak for him, he ran his fingers along the scars, stopping every so often to retrace one of the lines. They were wide, deep, and deliberate. “You tried to kill yourself.”

It wasn't a question, it wasn't an accusation, and it wasn't pity. Andrew recognized it for what it was, a silent moment of connection between two terribly broken people.

“When I was 17.” Andre swallowed, “I was about to be released from juvie early on good behavior . I was sitting in my psychologists office and going over whatever bullshit final workup he had to do because he gave the recommendation. I remember spending the entire meeting eyeing the letter opener on his desk. At first I thought about how it would feel to jab it into his throat...but as time went on I wondered how it would feel if I just used to to fucking kill myself.”

Neil, mercifully, stayed silent.

“I managed to convince him to get me a bottle of water or something and when he left I locked the door and made a dash for the thing. I can still feel it in my hands sometimes. I jabbed it into my arms and ripped open every vein I could find.” Andrew felt sick when he realized he was smiling at the memory, “eventually they broke down the door and of course the assholes office was right next to medical...I didn't really plan it out that well.”

Neil finally spoke after a few minutes of silence, “Why?”

It was the question he knew was coming and he'd prepared for it, “I was supposed to stay in until I was 18. I knew I could make it after that because I'd legally be an adult. But getting out at 17? When I was still a minor? I couldn't stomach it. I thought of all the fucking people that could be waiting out there to get their hands back on me...in me. I thought of having to go to another fucking foster home and not knowing if the father, brother, uncle, son, who the fuck ever would want to bend me over and take what little of myself I fucking managed to reclaim in there. Death was the better option.” Andrew shuddered.

Neil let a few more tense seconds pass, “What happened after?”

“Well, I didn't die.” Andrew shrugged, “I got carted off to a psych ward until I was 19. It wasn't the worst place to be. Three square meals, some awesome drugs, no one touched me...then I got out and met Wymack through my therapist and the rest is history.”

“Andrew,” Neil smiled softly, “You're stronger than I ever could have imagined.”

“Save it,” Andrew rolled his eyes, “Now you know.”

Neil didn't press it any further, he simply nodded and laid back down on the bed, turning his back to Andrew and pulling the blanket up over his shoulder. It made the warring sides of Andrew's mind clash with even more ferocity.

When he finally had enough of his self imposed torture he laid back down, keeping his back pressed firmly against the wall, and tracked Neil's body as it rose and lowered with his breath. He let the rhythmic sound of Neil's breathing be the thing the drew him to sleep.

What he didn't expect was the sound of Drake's breathing to be the thing that woke him.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Neil had no idea how long he'd been asleep. The only thing he registered when he woke in the middle of the night was the cool air that was lapping at his face and the empty space behind him in the bed. It was still dark outside but there was enough illumination to see that Andrew's discarded pile of clothes was still next to the door which meant that he hadn't left. The wind finally dawned on him and he rolled over to see the window that led out of his fire escape was wide open. His eyes tracked a fiery red butt of a cigarette as it fell from above, past his window, and to the ground below.

Neil groaned as he lifted his body out of the bed and stuck his head out of the window, he didn't see Andrew on that level so he turned it upwards in the direction that the cigarette came from and saw two feet dangling off the roof of the building. He raised his eyebrow and crawled through the window and out onto the fire escape before climbing the rest of the way to the roof of the building as quietly as he possibly could since he was crawling pasts people's bedroom windows on the escape.

When he reached the room he found one shivering and sweat drenched Andrew Minyard.

“Andrew?” Neil said loudly over the noise from the street and the wind.

“Don't come any closer.” Andrew warned as he stood up from his spot on the ledge.

“Andrew?” Neil said, his voice growing slightly more panicked, “What's wrong?”

“Dreams, Nathaniel, dreams.” Andrew laughed, “They're tricky little things, you see?”

Neil's eyes went wide at Andrew's use of his actual name. Something was off. This wasn't the Andrew he was used to. This Andrew was something completely different, manic, and scary. Neil wasn't affraid for himself though, he was scared for Andrew. His Andrew.

“Andrew? Do you know where you are?” Neil said softly with his hands held in front of his chest.

“Do you know where you are, Neil? Do you know who you're with?” Andrew laughed.

“I know I'm with Andrew.” Neil nodded.

“Do you know you're with someone who killed someone else because he was tired of having a dick in his ass without permission?” Andrew snarled as he began to pace back and forth across the ledge, teetering precariously as he moved.

“I don't care what you've done, Andrew.” Neil said as he took a cautious step forward, “I've killed someone too.”

“You have, huh?” Andrew shrugged, “Nice lady who burned you up?”

“Yes.” Neil nodded, wincing at the thought, “Lola.”

“Lola. She was a show girl. Yellow ribbons in her hair.” Andrew laughed.

“No, she was an evil fucking bitch.” Neil shook his head.

“So was Drake.” Andrew laughed, “Bigger than me. Easier for him to hold me down. Didn't do anything to stop the knife I stuck in his neck though. He got me on last time but I got him for good.”

“Sounds like he got what he deserved.” Neil smiled, “I'd fucking kill him to if I could go back and protect you.”

“Oh shut the fuck up, Nathaniel.” Andrew growled, “Sometimes I fucking hate you. I hate you because you make me not hate myself.”

Andrew spun himself around in circles on the ledge a few times and Neil knew he had to act quickly. He dove forward just as Andrew lost his footing and fell off of the ledge. Neil grabbed him just in time, wrapping both of his hands around Andrew's forearms and holding tighter onto him than he'd ever held anything before. He braced himself against the roof and pulled with every ounce of strength he had until Andrew was back on solid ground. When they finally came face to face again he saw that Andrew was crying. It wasn't just a simple cry either, it was a full body sob that broke past every single wall that Andrew had ever build up. His body was shaking, his eyes were red, and the tears wouldn't stop coming.

“You caught me.” Andrew finally said between breaths as he looked back up at Neil.

“Of course.” Neil smiled, “And I'll catch you again if I have to.”

He gave Neil one look before he held his arms out, a silent yes to being held and Neil pulled him into a tight embrace and held him there for what seemed like hours. The time didn't matter. All that mattered was that Andrew knew that he finally had someone to protect him too.

 

 

 


	8. Gods & Monsters

 

 

 

 

8

[Gods & Monsters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NemS84CQKHc)

 

**Neil**

 

Neil woke the next morning with an instant twinge of panic. The second he opened his eyes he was already hyper alert to the empty space next to him in his bed. Before he'd even fully awoken his mind was already running through the hundreds of scenarios that would cause Andrew to not be next to him.

His head immediately turned to the window that Andrew had crawled out last night and found it closed and still locked. He jumped out of bed, intending to start his frantic search, and heard the rustling of a paper somewhere in his bed. The sound was odd since he never made a habit of sleeping with paper before and he tore off all of the sheets to his bed in attempt to find the source of the sound. The small white strip of notebook paper fluttered through the air before settling neatly down on his pillow and he picked it up to read what he immediately recognized as Andrew's handwriting.

“ _Left around 6am, don't freak out. Call me when you wake up. It's still a yes.”_

Neil finally let go of the breath that had been caught in his chest because of the panic and fell back down to the bed. Fuck Andrew for making him panic like that. He fished around through the covers for his phone and eventually found it, unlocking the screen and seeing that it was 7:30am and that Andrew had been gone for a little over an hour and a half. Neil rolled his eyes at the fact that he didn't even hear the asshole leave, all the years of sleeping on a tour bus and having to block out outside sounds must have dulled his senses.

Neil dialed Andrew's number by memory and waited for him to answer, “You fucking scared the shit out of me.”

Andrew waited a second before yawning and replying back in his normal bored voice, “I left you a note.”

“A note that got tangled up in my bed! A note that I didn't even see until I thought of a million different scenarios that would lead you to not be there!” Neil growled, fully aware how possessive and intense he was sounding.

“I'll staple it to your forehead next time.” Andrew droned.

“That would be preferable, thank you!” Neil snapped.

Andrew was silent for a few more seconds, the only sound coming through the speaker was his rhythmic breathing, “I'm only going to say this once, so listen. _I'm sorry._ I wasn't thinking about what you would think, I just couldn't wake up next to someone like that yet.”

Neil felt every bit of anger leave his body at the earnest words, up until now he didn't even think sorry was a word that Andrew Minyard had in his vocabulary, “I get it, Andrew. I was just scared...especially after last night.”

“OK,” Andrew sighed, “What do you want to know?”

Neil took in a deep breath before continuing, “What do you remember?”

“All of it, Neil.” Andrew said quietly, “I...just ask your damn question.”

“No.” Neil said quickly, “I'm done with us being a game.”

“Us?” Andrew hummed.

“You know what I mean,” Neil groaned as he ran a hand through his tangled hair, “How about a new deal?”

“Deal?” Andrew chuckled.

“Instead of making a game of prying each others darkest secrets from our hands why don't we just be normal fucking people and be honest with each other when we want? You tell me the truth when you feel like it and I tell you the truth when I feel like it?” Neil said.

“Maybe I should have stayed,” Andrew deadpanned, “clearly you were replaced with an imposter Neil sometime after I left.”

“Andrew!” Neil snapped, “Yes or no?”

Neil heard a low rumble from the other side of the line and it felt like ages before Andrew finally spoke, “Yes. Fucking asshole.”

“Thank you,” Neil beamed, “Look at us being normal, functioning adults.”

“Yeah,” Andrew scoffed, “Normal.”

“Well, as normal as can be expected.” Neil conceded, “I'll see you tonight.”

Neil was close to hanging up the phone before Andrew caught his attention, “Wait. I'll explain.”

Neil let out a long breath before speaking again, “It can wait until tonight, Andrew.”

“No.” Andrew said immediately, “It'll be easier to tell you this without having to see your stupid fucking eyes or that smile or...everything.”

Neil felt his stomach drop, so fucking sure of what was going to come next, he sat down on the edge of the bed and braced himself, “Go on.”

“Last night, in bed with you, was the first time I've ever slept with someone next to me by my own choice. I thought I could deal with it because it was you, you who through all your fucking annoying faults seems to have wormed your way past my defenses and made me trust you. It was fine for a while but then I had a dream about an old foster brother, Drake. I woke up and I swore I felt him on top of me and I looked over and saw your face and then his covered it and if I had a knife on me last night I probably would have fucking killed you.” Andrew stopped to gather his thoughts.

“I'm still here.” Neil said, imparting a million different meanings into that one statement.

“I just had a meltdown, OK?” Andrew rushed out, “It felt like the past and present were blending together and I didn't know what was real anymore. I went up to the roof to get some air and be alone and it just made things worse. Bee and I have been working on changing around some of the medication I'm on and my body is still adjusting to the change, I think that's why I went so off the reservation last night.”

“Bee?” Neil wondered.

“My therapist,” Andrew corrected, “Anyway...I just need you to know I wasn't trying to kill myself last night. I didn't go up to the roof intending to throw myself off of it.”

“I know.” Neil said softly.

“When I slipped though...you caught me.” Andrew whispered.

“I did,” Neil smiled, “And I'll catch you every time after this if you let me.”

“That's so fucking cheesy.” Andrew groaned.

“With a side of extra cheese.” Neil laughed.

Andrew let out a small chuckle before coughing and regaining his composure, “I hate you.”

“I hate you too.” Neil replied.

“Don't be late.” Andrew scoffed.

“I won't be, I'm working on a song to sing tonight.” Neil nodded.

“I can't wait to hear it.” The sarcasm bled through the phone and Neil had to bite his lip to stop his laugh before Andrew hung up.

Neil laid back on the bed with Andrew's not in his hand, reading it over and over with a stupid smile across his face.

_It's still a yes._

 

_*_

 

**Andrew**

 

The door to Bee's office felt heavier today for some reason, like it was trying to keep him out, trying to stop him from admitting everything he actually felt. Andrew shook off the feeling and pushed himself inside, dropping down onto the plush green couch where he'd spent countless hours talking about nothing, screaming at poor Bee, and eventually breaking down and begging for help from her. It was a place that held too many memories.

“Is everything OK, Andrew?” Bee asked softly, “When Carol told me you'd called and practically threatened her to put you on the schedule for as early as possible I got a little worried.”

“Worried for me or for Carol?” Andrew scoffed.

“I've seen Carol at the bar, she can hold her own.” Bee smiled, “The last time you requested an appointment like this was a few years ago on the anniversary of Drake's death.”

Andrew shuddered at the thought of that one particular moment, “Well at least I came to you this time and you didn't have to break into my apartment.”

“Yes,” Bee laughed, “This is a bit more convenient. Tell me though, is this about Neil?”

Andrew took a deep breath. It seemed like Neil was the only thing he could talk about in his weekly sessions with Bee since they had met. Whether it was talking about how much he liked him, how much he hated him, or how much he hated himself because Neil liked him. Of course she'd have to figure out his latest breakdown was because of Neil.

“Yes and no.” Andrew shrugged, “Neil, Drake, All of the others.”

“Neil is triggering memories about the men who hurt you?” Bee asked softly, “Did Neil do anything to hurt you?”

“No, god no!” Andrew snapped before he composed himself again, “No. Neil is...Neil. He's not like anyone else I've ever met and it makes me fucking hate him sometimes.”

“If you hate him then why do you see him so constantly?” Bee smiled.

“I don't fucking know, Bee.” Andrew groaned, “I like how he makes me feel and then I hate how he makes me feel.”

“How does he make you feel?” Bee asked.

“He makes me feel like I'm not so fucked up, he makes me feel like I can be more than just some thing that people use up and throw away.” Andrew sighed.

“Does he make you feel that way because he's been abused too?” Bee questioned.

It took all that Andrew had inside of himself to not throw a chair over. It was a dirty fucking question, one he knew she'd ask eventually after he'd told her what Neil told him that night, but he still wasn't ready for it, “That's fucked up, Bee.”

“Yet still a completely valid question,” Bee nodded, “It's not a terribly uncommon thing to be drawn to someone who we think is more damaged than we are just so we feel better by association.”

“You know I would never use anyone like that.” Andrew hissed.

“Fair enough,” Bee smiled, “I just had to ask.”

“He writes these fucking songs and he uses me as inspiration and some of them are so good and I just...I can't fathom that someone would actually want to use me as a map for something like that. I don't deserve to have that wasted on me.” Andrew shook his head.

“You keep talking about what you think you _deserve_ , set that aside for a minute and tell me what you _want_.” Bee closed her notebook and sat back in her chair.

“I want...Neil.” Andrew rasped and felt all the air leave his lungs.

“I'll level with you, Andrew. I think you're over complicating things. There are parts of you that you think aren't worthy of this version of Neil that you've built up onto a pedestal. I can promise you that Neil is not this shining beacon you think he is. That doesn't mean he can't help you and can't love you but you cannot, _cannot_ , make him into something that you think you have to fix yourself for.” Bee said with a soft but firm tone.

“Shit.” Andrew groaned.

“Yes,” Bee laughed, “Shit indeed.”

“Last night... “ Andrew trailed off.

“Last night, what?” Bee leaned forward.

“I slept at his place.” Andrew closed his eyes and waited.

“Andrew.” Bee said quietly, “Were you ready for that?”

“I thought I was.” Andrew shrugged, “I showed him my scars too. And told him the story.”

“I assume this is leading up to why you needed to see me so urgently today.” Bee opened her notebook again and leaned forward.

“He wanted me to stay. He just wanted to wake up with me in the morning, he didn't want me to get him off, he didn't want to touch me, he just wanted to fucking wake up with me like a normal person.” Andrew sighed, “And it was fine for a bit. I fell asleep feeling relatively safe but then...Drake came to me in a dream. All of a sudden I was being held down and...I woke up and Neil's face was Drake's face and I had to get the fuck out. I didn't want to leave so I crawled out the fucking window and onto the fire escape and I just had a fucking break.”

“What kind of break?” Bee's eyebrows rose.

“It was like I was there...but I wasn't. I don't know if it was the new meds or what but I saw Neil and I just...I don't know, it only lasted a few minutes and he talked me down off a ledge and I let him fucking hold me.” Andrew conveniently left out the part where Neil saved him from falling to his death, something told him Bee might overreact to that one.

“And what happened after?”

“We stayed on the roof for a while, smoking and not talking, then we went back downstairs and went back to sleep.” Andrew shrugged.

“How did you sleep?” Bee asked.

“Amazingly.” Andrew rolled his eyes, “I don't know if was the exhaustion of the whole thing or what but I slept better than I have in months. I woke up before Neil and decided I couldn't be there when he woke up so I left him a note and went back home.”

“You've gone through quite the range of emotions in the last 24 hours, haven't you?” Bee smiled softly.

“You could say that.” Andrew shrugged.

“And all for Neil.” Bee nodded, it wasn't a question.

“I guess the fuck so.” Andrew growled.

“I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, Andrew.” Bee said, which meant she was going to tell him exactly how to live his life, “But please remember when I say that you cannot fix yourself by being with someone else. Neil sounds like he's been a profound force in your life over the past two months or so and I'm not saying there isn't a future there.”

“But?” Andre groaned, there was always a but.

“But,” Bee sighed, “You both have things you need to work on. Think of it like this, you're both pieces of two different puzzles. You're the same. But you're different. Yes, you're both puzzles but no matter how hard you try to force it your pieces won't fit together. You have to find the rest of your puzzle pieces, and Neil needs to find his. You need to be complete before you can be truly happy together. If you keep forcing yourself to do things out of your comfort zone all it will do is build resentment or worse, lead to something you'll regret.”

And with that Andrew knew he'd been defeated, the resentment was already there because of the things he was making himself do to keep Neil. “Fine. I get what you're saying.”

“Let me be clear, I'm not telling you to cut Neil out at all.” Bee warned, “I'm telling you to maybe slow it down, OK?”

“Yeah,” Andrew grunted, “whatever.”

He left Bee's office even more confused than when he entered. The warring sides of his mind waged on, resolved to fight an even more fearsome battle in the wake of Bee's words. What she was asking Andrew to do sounded so simple, she wanted him to slow down, pump the breaks a little and work on himself before he jumped in any further with Neil. It was something he'd considered himself. But all he could think about was Neil, standing on the stage tonight, and singing. All he could think about was the way his lips would move, how his body would sway to the music softly, and how he wanted those lips on him.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Of course Neil was running late. Of course he'd walked out of his apartment with one shoe on and didn't realize it until he was halfway down the elevator. Of course his cab rear ended another one. Of course his phone died because he forgot to charge it. Of course it started to rain and by the time he'd gotten to the bar he looked like a wet dog.

“Of course you're late.” Andrew rolled his eyes when Neil walked up to the bar.

“Today was a comedy of errors.” Neil sighed.

“You look like shit.” Andrew shook his head.

“Really?” Neil sighed and oozed sarcasm, “I didn't realize.”

Andrew looked up from the drink he was making to give him a once over before wrinkling his brow, “You're not going on stage in my bar when you look like that.”

“Right, OK,” Neil rolled his eyes, “Just give me a few minutes to go home and change and I'll be back.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes and let out a small growl before pointing towards the stairs, “Upstairs. I'll pick out something for you from my closet and you can dry off.”

Neil's stomach flipped at the idea of being back in Andrew's apartment again for the first time since he'd blown him and all he could do was blink and nod.

Andrew sighed and stepped around to the front of the bar and waved Neil behind him, ascending the stairs with the kind of quickness that only someone as perpetually as on edge as Andrew was could accomplish. He unlocked the door and left it open for Neil to follow through. Neil shut it behind him and followed Andrew to the bedroom and watched him disappear inside the closet before returning with a form fitting, black, long sleeve shirt. He opened one of the drawers and pulled out an equally as tight pair of jeans and threw a bundle of socks at him too. “Underwear?”

Neil blushed and let out a small laugh, “I think I'm good with those.”

Neil began to pull off his shirt as Andrew turned his back to him and began to rummage around for something else, “You can go change in the bathroo-” Andrew stopped when he saw Neil half undressed already.

“Oh,” Neil cringed, “did you not want me to change in here?”

“I don't care,” Andrew shrugged, trying to remain nonchalant, “I just didn't think you'd want to.”

“There's no use in hiding any of this from you,” Neil swept a hand over his body, “You've already seen it and I trust you.”

Neil caught only a slight grimace from Andrew before he curled his lip back and sighed, “I hate you.”

“I know.” Neil shrugged, “Do you have a blow dryer for my hair?”

“Bathroom.” Andrew flailed a wrist in the general direction as he threw Neil a towel.

“Thank you.” Neil smiled.

He dressed himself after drying off as much as possible and fixing his hair with what little product Andrew had and met him back in the living room.

“You look a little less shitty.” Andrew give him an approving nod, “I put your clothes in the trash, you can keep what you have on.”

“You threw away my clothes?” Neil gasped.

“You should be thanking me.” Andrew laughed.

“Maybe I will...later. If you want me to stay.” Neil said quietly.

“You can.” Andrew rolled his eyes and walked out the front door of the apartment and back towards the bar.

The rest of the evening passed like it usually did when Neil ran the open mic night. He'd take to the stage, say a few lines, call up the next person, and rinse and repeat. In between he'd hang out at the bar and see how far he could push Andrew with conversation until Andrew growled at him and told him to stop bothering him. Tonight though, just as the evening was winding down, Neil took to the stage to introduce himself.

“Alright, give it up for our last singer.” Neil paused for the audience, “Now, before you all get out of here I was wondering if you'd hang around for another minute or two so I can play you something I've been working on for the past couple weeks?”

The crowd immediately began to cheer and scream.

“I take that as a yes.” Neil laughed and picked up his guitar, “The inspiration for this song came from a few places. My childhood, my life in the city...my life over the last few months. I'd dedicate it to someone if I was sure they wouldn't bite my head off.”

The crowd gave another laugh and Neil trained his eyes on Andrew who was glaring at him from behind the bar, he'd probably pay for that comment later but it was worth it.

“Anyway, this is called [Gods & Monsters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NemS84CQKHc).”

Neil tapped out a few beats on the side of his guitar before closing his eyes and beginning to play.

 

_In the land of Gods and Monsters_   
_I was an Angel_   
_Living in the garden of evil_   
_Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed_   
_Shining like a fiery beacon_

 

_You got that medicine I need_   
_Fame, Liquor, Love give it to me slowly_   
_Put your hands on my waist, do it softly_   
_Me and God, we don't get along so now I sing_

 

Neil opened his eyes and focused them back on Andrew who was now standing at the back of the crowd with a towel twisted between his hands. It reminded him so much of that first night when he played a song in a pathetic attempt to get back at Andrew.

 

_No one's gonna take my soul away_   
_I'm living like Jim Morrison_   
_Headed towards a fucked up holiday_   
_Motel sprees sprees and I'm singing_   
_'Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly_   
_Want'_   
_It's innocence lost_   
_Innocence lost_   
  
_When you talk it's like a movie and you're making me_   
_Crazy -_   
_Cause life imitates art_   
_If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?_   
_You tell me, "life isn't that hard"_   
  
_No one's gonna take my soul away_   
_I'm living like Jim Morrison_   
_Headed towards a fucked up holiday_   
_Motel sprees sprees and I'm singing_   
_'Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly_   
_Want'_   
_It's innocence lost_   
_Innocence lost_

 

Neil finished the song and the entire room erupted into applause. He looked for Andrew and found he had retreated back to his sport behind the bar and was looking at Neil beneath hooded eyes. Something about the way Andrew looked at him lit a fire deep inside him and he felt like he needed to be as close to him as he possibly could. He sat the guitar down and muttered a few thank you's into the mic and tried to cross the room as quickly as he could towards Andrew.

Halfway to his destination he was stopped by an extraordinarily tall man who seemed equal parts relaxed and tense.

“Excuse me,” Neil hummed as he tried to push around the man.

“Neil Josten?” The man asked.

Neil sighed, and turned around with the best smile he could offer, he was sure Andrew wouldn't want him being a total dick to customers, “That's my name.”

“Hi,” The man smiled and sat at the table nearest to him, “My name is Kevin Day.”

“Nice to meet you, Kevin.” Neil nodded, “Did you want an autograph or something? I can go grab a pen really quick.”

Neil looked back to the bar and found Andrew still looking at him with dark and passionate eyes.

“Not exactly,” Kevin laughed and took a sip of his drink, “I'm head of talent acquisition at Palmetto Records.”

“Oh.” Neil huffed before he realized what was happening, “ _OH._ ”

“Yeah.” Kevin laughed, “I apologize for how informal this is but you're a hard man to get in touch with.”

“Sorry about that,” Neil laughed, “I've been taking a little break.”

“And we're hoping you'll end that break and come join our family.” Kevin smiled.

“Listen, Mr. Day.” Neil sighed, “I appreciate the offer but I'm not interested in anymore publishing contracts right now.”

“You can call me Kevin,” Kevin nodded, “and lucky for you I'm not offering a publishing contract, I'm offering a recording one.”

“Seriously?” Neil's eyes went wide, “I thought Dan was just hearing things.”

“I figured Dan would let it slip.” Kevin laughed, “Yes, I'm serious. We want to sign you and get you into a studio so you can record an EP as soon as possible.”

“An EP?” Neil leaned forward, “With what songs?”

“Well, the one you just sang for fucking sure.” Kevin laughed, “And the one you sang a few months back, it was what caught our eye. I'm sure you have a few things laying around just for yourself too.”

Neil felt his hands tremble at the thought of recording all these songs he'd written just for himself, “Listen, Kevin, this is all very flattering but it's so sudden and I-”

Kevin cut him off, “I don't need an answer now, I'm just extending an offer for a conversation between the label and your lawyers. Take my card and get back to me whenever you want. There's no time limit on this, we'll gladly wait as long as we have to. Just know that we're really fucking interested.”

Neil only nodded and took Kevin's card before shaking his hand and watching him walk away.

As soon as Kevin was gone Andrew was right behind him and breathing down his neck.

“Andrew...that was,” Neil sighed but Andrew cut him off.

“We're going back to your place tonight.” Andrew whispered softly, “Yes or no?”

Neil's eyes went wide and Andrew's voice sent a chill up his spine. His head was already spinning because of Kevin and now this?

“Yes.” Neil whispered back.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

The cab ride back to Neil's apartment was spent in what the casual observe would have seen as complete silence. Andrew was sat close to Neil, close enough to feel the heat radiating off of his body in the small space but far enough away to not actually touch, and they were both looking out their respective windows as the city passed them by under the watery haze of the storm that was raging outside. Neil, for his part, didn't speak at all and neither did Andrew.

But inside Andrew's head an argument was raging. An argument between all of the broken pieces of himself and Bee. It was a loud and riotous affair as half of him argued for the return to Neil's apartment, screaming and crying about how it would all be OK because Neil was different, he was safe, he knew his limits. The other half screamed back, Neil may be safe, he may be different, and he may know his limits but you don't! Those pieces aligned themselves with Bee who sat in the middle of the void repeating her words from earlier. Pump the breaks, slow down, give it time.

The cab came to a stop and Andrew gave his head a furious shake to rattle the pieces of himself back into place before opening his door and stepping out into the rain.

By the time they had reached Neil's door they were both soaked and dripping wet. Andrew made an immediate note on how his clothing clung to Neil's fantastic body, highlighting every line and curve that he wanted to touch and feel when he held him close. He could already feel himself getting hard at the thought.

Neil paused as he opened the door and turned back to Andrew with a half smile, “You sure? It's OK if you want to leave.”

God damn Neil and his fucking insistence, “I don't say yes to anything I don't want to do, Neil. Now let me inside before I get a cold.”

Neil let out a small snort and pushed the door open and followed Neil back to his bedroom. Andrew shrugged off the overnight bag he'd brought with him and let it fall to the floor in the same spot he put his clothes during the previous night before he crossed the room and stood dangerously close to Neil, “Yes or no?”

Neil's eyes went wide as he let out a hot breath that hit Andrew in the face like a sucker punch, “Yes.”

Andrew growled and pulled Neil close to him, their clothing clinging together and leaving puddles with every step they took, “Get these off.”

Neil's breath hitched as Andrew ran his hands up his shirt and over his body, tracing the scars he'd gotten to know so intimately by now. It was as if he knew them by memory, remembering each one as his hands brushed over him. Neil was already melting in his hand like butter, wilting under his touch and letting out small gasps of pleasure before he was even naked.

Neil raised his arms above his head and allowed Andrew to pull the wet shirt off of his body, tossing it across the room with a splat as it hit the wall and left a mark where it landed. Neil looked so fucking good and every thought he'd had back in his apartment a few hours ago rushed back at him.

“I want to get you off.” Andrew purred as he pulled Neil in close and ran his nails down his back.

“Andrew,” Neil groaned as his head fell backwards and Andrew ran a tongue over his adams apple, “You brought an overnight bag.”

“I know, idiot.” Andrew sighed, “I want to get you off and I want to go to sleep with you.”

“Andrew, wait,” Neil went rigid, “Please don't do this because you think this is what I want.”

God damn him for thinking of Andre before himself again.

“I want to, Neil,” Andrew growled, “It's a fucking yes. Is it a yes for you?”

“I-” Neil stuttered, “Yes.”

“Good.” Andrew smiled as he pulled him in close again, parting Neil's lips with his tongue and sliding both of them together as Neil moaned in his mouth.

“Where can I?” Neil muttered as the kiss broke for a second.

Andrew pushed Neil back a step and held him by the shoulder, running his eyes up and down his bod and grinning at the bulge that was growing beneath his wet jeans, “My hair...and my shoulders.”

“OK.” Neil breathed as Andrew pulled him close again and began to kiss his way down Neil's body, taking time to kiss and lick every single scar that was visible on his way down.

Neil was damn near speaking in tongues by the time Andrew reached the waistband of his jeans. Andrew ran his fingers over the length of the bulge beneath Neil's jeans and bit back a smile as he felt Neil shudder.

Andrew undid the button and peeled Neil's jeans off of him, they were already tight before the rain but now that they were soaked it was like a second skin. Neil let out a thankful groan as his body was freed of the restricting denim and then a loud cry when Andrew grasped his cock and ran his tongue up the length of it.

Neil's hands immediately went for Andrew's wet hair, tangling long, scarred fingers in the blonde mop, pulling just enough to hurt in a good way as Andrew's head bobbed up and down. Andrew decided to play even dirtier and run his hands up the side of Neil's legs, brushing over his thighs before one pushed it's way up his body and over his abs and the other grasped the base of his cock while his mouth continued it's work. Andrew slowly pulled his head back and off of Neil's cock and looked up with a smile to see Neil looking down at him with his blue eyes, pupils wide and blown.

Andrew bit his lip as his hand began to work it's way up and down Neil's cock, making him shiver even more. Andrew kissed one of his thighs before dropping  his head even further and taking Neil's balls into his mouth. This was enough to send Neil falling back to the bed out of sheer sensory overload.

“Fuck, oh my, fucking fuck, Andrew.” Neil gasped.

“I want to taste you again.” Andrew growled softly as his head moved back to his previous position on Neil's cock. Neil writhed below him on the bed, clawing at his shoulders with one hand and pulling frantically at his hair with the other.

“Oh, fuck, Andrew I'm going to cum,” Neil screamed as he exploded into Andrew mouth.

It was even more powerful than the first time and Neil's body jerked and shuddered underneath him as Andrew alternated between sucking and stroking his cock through the orgasm.

Andrew swallowed every last drop and looked up to see a still mumbling Neil, Andrew coughed and wiped a satisfied smile and stray cum from his lips with the back of his hand.

Neil gasped again and looked back down at Andrew, “Can I...can I kiss you?”

Andrew hummed for a second as he ran the idea through his head, everything seemed fine at the moment, so he relented, “If you don't mind tasting some of yourself.”

Neil rolled his eyes and held out a welcoming hand, pulling Andrew up and on top of him, settling their bodies together as he leaned forward to kiss him. Neil's tongue danced around in Andrew's mouth and Andrew fought back a smile at the slight gag Neil produced when he first tasted a little bit of his own cum. It was a quiet and content moment but Andrew knew it had to end. He tapped Neil on the shoulder and Neil immediately released him with a nod.

Andrew rose from the bed, picking up his overnight bag, and locked himself in Neil's bathroom.

He looked down at his hand and caught the beginning of the tremors. He balled his hand into a fist and began the painstaking process of removing his wet clothing.

As he finished getting undressed he looked down at himself, still hard, and standing naked in Neil's bathroom. His mind was screaming at him and telling him to leave, to not be stupid, to finish himself off alone in the safety of the bathroom and then get the fuck out. It's what Bee would say too.

Andrew pulled on a pair of sweatpants and looked down at himself, still hard, and began to crunch the numbers in his head to find out if he could make it through what he was thinking with relatively few psychological scars. Bee would say no...but fuck Bee. She couldn't tell him how to live his life.

Andrew closed his eyes and clenched his jaw as he opened the bathroom door and walked back into Neil's room. He stood in the doorway, shirtless, without his armbands, only in a loose fitting pair of sweats that rode dangerously low on his hips, and still hard. He knocked on the door frame to get Neil's attention and laughed slightly when he saw the look that washed over Neil when he realized what he was seeing.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked, leaning against the wall with his arms over his chest.

“I...are...you...” Neil stammered.

“I'm asking you if you want to return the favor,” Andrew sighed, “But only if you want to.”

“Are you sure?” Neil asked, standing up slowly.

“I told you I don't do anything I don't want to,” Andrew shook his head, “I'm saying yes if you're saying yes.”

“Yes.” Neil whispered, “I've never done this before though.”

“Take your time,” Andrew said softly as he pulled Neil in for a tender kiss, “Go as slow as you need to, stop if you don't feel comfortable at any point, and for my sake please don't use your teeth.”

Neil let out a tense laugh before lowering himself to his knees.

Andrew watched him like a hawk, breaking in slow and steady to combat the tremors he felt coming, and watched at Neil pulled his sweats down and go slack jawed as his cock sprung free.

“Neil,” Andrew said in a soft but warning tone, “don't touch my ass.”

Neil nodded and smiled before taking a steady hand and wrapping it around the base of his cock. Andrew took in a deep breath at the foreign touch and felt a shiver go up his spine. It had been so long since someone had touched him there that he forgot how good it could feel if you actually wanted it.

He watched as Neil leaned forward and tried to copy what Andrew had done to him, sliding a tongue over his cock, but Neil gave himself away, he winced, just slightly, at the taste. It was enough for Andrew to immediately stop him.

“Neil,” Andrew said as he put a hand on his shoulder and dropped down on his knees in front of him, “you don't want to do this, do you?”

“I...” Neil sighed, “I want to get you off but...I don't know if I'm ready to blow you.”

“Dammit,” Andrew growled as his grip on Neil's shoulders tightened, “Why the fuck did you tell me yes?”

“I thought I could do it!” Neil hissed, “I thought it would be easy for me to do it for my first time, but you...you're bigger than I thought you would be and I'm scare of choking on it, I'm scared of throwing up when I taste you, I don't want to be terrible at it.”

Andrew felt his heart crack a little and then the familiar feeling of vomit rising in his throat as he realized he almost, albeit inadvertently, made Neil do something he didn't want to do just because Andrew felt he was ready for it to be done to him.

Andrew felt himself go soft and frowned as he pulled Neil in for a hug, “I'm so sorry, this is all my fault.”

“It's not your fault!” Neil protested as he pushed Andrew backwards.

Andrew locked his eyes to those icy blue lakes and let out a deep sigh. It was his fault. He should have seen the hesitation in Neil's eyes that he could so perfectly make out now that he was looking back on the last few minutes with a clear mind.

Bee was right, he was using Neil as a way to fix himself, to test and see how OK he actually was.

Neil didn't deserve that and he sure as fuck didn't deserve Neil.

“Hey, hey,” Andrew said softly as he pulled Neil's chin up to angle their faces towards each other, “lets just go to sleep, we can talk about it in the morning.”

“You...” Neil trailed off and his face went blank, “You're staying?”

“Yes.” Andrew nodded.

He would stay the night, he owed him that at least.

Andrew let go of Neil and pulled his clothes back on, watching out of the corner of his eye as Neil dressed and crawled into bed first so Andrew wouldn't have to adjust to the weight of him getting in afterwards. Andrew flicked off the light and walked to the bed, crawling over Neil and settling himself on his side in the space next to the wall. Neil gave him one last look, smiling weakly as he leaned forward to kiss him.

“Goodnight, Neil.” Andrew said softly as he closed his eyes and let his mind drift off.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Neil woke the next morning to an empty bed once again. He was instantly crushed with guilt over the previous night. He wanted so bad to make Andrew feel good, to reply what he'd just done to him, to show him that he was different, that he wasn't like the other guys who had taken things from him. He just wanted to give Andrew something to hold onto. And he failed. He lied to Andrew and Andrew saw right fucking through him. He felt sick over the fact that Andrew blamed himself, all of his intentions went out the window after that because Andrew thought he had pushed him to get on his knees last night and nothing Neil could say would change that.

Neil didn't expect to wake up to Andrew next to him, he knew he would be gone in the morning and all he could hope for was a chance to explain and apologize over a phone call later.

But then he smelled it, the fresh coffee wafting from the living room, and it dawned on him that maybe Andrew was still there, he swore he could hear someone moving around the kitchen when he woke up but it might have just been his imagination. But the smell? The smell was unmistakably fresh coffee.

Neil sprung out of the bed and raced into the kitchen, eyeing a mug that was still steaming and sitting on the counter. He picked up the coffee and took a sip, it was exactly how he liked it and still dangerously hot like it had just been poured. Andrew had to have just left. Maybe the fact that Andrew stuck around for a few more minutes to make him coffee was a good sign? Maybe it was a sign that last night had just been a misstep and not enough to derail them entirely. A hot cup of coffee was all he had to cling to.

He took another sip of the warm drink and turned to inspect the rest of the kitchen. It was then he saw the note on the fridge written on a loose leaf of notebook paper. It was long, written in Andrew's perfectly identifiable handwriting, and as Neil got closer he could begin to read the words to it. When his eyes drifted to the bottom of the page and he saw the last five words nothing else above it mattered. He froze in his place as he read them over and over again, and then once more just to make sure he wasn't going crazy.

When the weight of the words hit him he dropped the cup of coffee, sending the mug shattering into dozens of jagged pieces across the tile floor and burning the top of his foot with the searing hot liquid. He didn't care about the pain, the pain was preferable to those five words that looked back at him, the words that meant Andrew was gone.

“ _It's a no for now.”_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im evil  
> im sorry


	9. Blue Jeans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've spent the last few days wrestling with how exactly i want to wrap this whole thing up, going between a few option, and rewriting entire chapters and i think i've finally settled on a plan that i love and hopefully you guys do too. there should only be a few more chapters left before the entire thing is done!
> 
> also if you want to find me on the tumblr i barely use then you're welcome to visit https://lscar123.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> i really appreciate all the love that you guys have shown this so far, it means a lot, especially since i thought no one would even read it

 

 

 

 

9

[Blue Jeans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br4Lb4Uikfc)

 

**Andrew**

 

One week had passed since that horrible morning. One week since he woke up next to Neil who looked so fucking delicate. One week since the feeling of a crushing pressure on his chest and the walls closing in around him. One week since he wrote Neil the note, apologizing and telling him it wasn't his fault and that hopefully he could get his shit together someday and find out if it was still a yes between them. One week since calling Roland and telling him that he was leaving town and that he was in charge of the bar for the foreseeable future. One week since he opened up that suitcase, filled it with the essentials, and made his way to the airport.

One week later and he still had no fucking clue what he was doing.

That night in bed with Neil had been wracked with nightmares. Nightmares of him holding Neil down as he screamed and forcing himself upon him over and over and over and over and fucking over. He had called Bee in a moment of frantic mania, talking a mile a minute and dangerously close to the edge. He told her how he felt suffocated, how he didn't trust himself around Neil anymore after he almost ignored all of Neil's silent 'no's' that he would have caught any other night, how he needed to get some space in between his heart and his head. Bee had told him that running was a common reflex in moments like this but that it didn't always make things better. Yes, running could give you time away from what you think your problem is but it can also trap you with it, isolate you when you're far away from people who care about you, use the time alone to eat away at you and just cause you to run even more to escape it. You run from your home to try and escape something and then it follows you so you run again and eventually you never stop. You're on the run from it like it's some big boogeyman coming to hunt you down.

Her words had their merits but he'd already made up his mind. He knew what he wanted to do, he knew what he had to do, it was something he'd wanted to do for years now, but he wasn't ready to face it yet. So instead of flying to his intended destination he changed his mind at the last second and opted for the other side of the country from his boogeyman.

One week later and here he was in Florida, stretched out on the beach with the sun beating down on him, running his hands through the fine sand and watching as it slipped through his fingers as some sort of sick metaphor for his life.

“Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.” A soft voice came from behind him.

Andrew turned to meet the voice with a disgusted sigh, hoping the anger in his eyes was evident even behind his sunglasses, “Shut the fuck up, Abby.”

Abby just let out a wistful sigh as she leaned down to hand him another drink, “David wanted me to bring this to you.”

Andrew looked at the whiskey in her hand and then back at her before nodding, “Tell Wymack to stop worrying about me.”

Abby rolled her eyes and sat the drink down on the sand next to him, “Why shouldn't he worry, Andrew? You show up on our doorstep a week ago looking like a drowned rat, not telling us what's going on only for you to push your way inside out house and make your new home on the sofa.”

Andrew let out a low growl before snatching the drink out of the sand and throwing it back in one gulp. Abby did have a point, not that he would ever admit it.

“I didn't know where else to go,” Andrew said quietly, “I needed to get away and for some fucking reason you two idiots were the first people I thought of.”

“Because,” Abby groaned, “us two idiots are your fucking family.”

Andrew clenched his free fist in the sand, “You're not my family, you're just people who pity me for some reason. I don't have any family.”

“Think what you want, Andrew.” Abby shrugged, “You have family. Nicky, Andrew...”

“Don't talk about them,” Andrew cut her off, “Neither of them want anything to do to me. Last time I saw both of them I beat the shit out of them and told them in no confusing way that if I ever saw them again I'd kill them.”

“Well, for what it's worth you haven't said any of that to David and I...and you came to us. If that's not family then I don't know what is.” Abby frowned as Andrew dropped the empty glass next to her foot.

Andrew ignored her protests and turned his attention back out to the ocean. The sun was starting to set and the sky was turning a vivid pink color. To anyone else it would have looked beautiful, but to Andrew it just looked as flat and lifeless as he felt.

Heavier footfalls came from behind him and he wished he still had the glass so he could throw it at the asshole who was about to speak.

“Can you try to not be an asshole to my wife for just one day?” Wymack sighed as he took a seat on the sand next to Andrew, consciously keeping a few feet of space between them.

Wymack knew just enough about his issues to not press stuff and to know when to give him space, maybe that's why he came here, because it was the only place that was far enough away where he wouldn't have to explain himself. Yeah, that was it, not because he had some fucked up notion that Abby and Wymack were his family.

“Can't make any promises.” Andrew shrugged as he reclined back into the sand.

“You're cleaning all this fucking sand up when you track it into the house.” Wymack sighed.

“At least someone will clean the place then.” Andrew said in his flat tone that he knew drove Wymack up the wall.

“Fuck you, you little punk.” Wymack laughed before turning his head completely towards him, “Wanna talk about it today?”

“Nope.” Andrew hummed.

There was a short silence before Wymack called again, “Bee called me today to ask if I heard from you.”

“Oh?”

“Yep,” Wymack nodded, “Apparently you haven't been answering her calls or texts. Last she heard from you is that you needed to get away from life in the city. She was worried, Andrew.”

“That's her job,” Andrew shrugged, “What did you tell her?”

“I told her you were here just so she wouldn't file a missing persons report, but nothing more than that.” Wymack sighed.

“That's because there's nothing more to tell.” Andrew said as he turned his head away from Wymack and shut down again.

Wymack grunted as he pushed himself up from the sand, brushing himself off as he went, “Dinner will be ready soon, get your ass inside and cleaned up if you plan on eating it. I'll leave you a plate in the stove. We don't expect you to eat with us.”

Yep, this is why he came, because they don't expect anything from him but sarcasm and indifference, not because they're the only family he had left.

Andrew cringed as his phone rang out for a notification, he looked at it in the sand and briefly pondered the idea of throwing it into the ocean before deciding against it, if only because he didn't want to waste money on a new one.

The text was from Neil, of course, it was that time of the day after all.

The text was as simple as the other six that Neil had sent him at almost the exact same time every day since Andrew had left. Andrew scrolled up the thread of message, stopping before he got to one's before he had left and sighed as he looked down at the seven identical messages.

“It's still a yes for me.”

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

One week had passed since that horrible morning. One week since Neil went to bed, happy and content with Andrew. One week since he woke up, still happy and content, and drank the coffee Andrew had made for him. One week since he saw that fucking note and his world crashed down around him. One week since he literally ran from his apartment to the bar and found out from Roland that Andrew had left the city and probably the entire fucking state. One week since he'd began to text Andrew that it was still a yes for him every single day.

The last part was probably pathetic, but it was the last little bit of control he had over the situation. Andrew's note had said, multiple times, that this wasn't Neil's fault. It had said that Andrew needed time to work through his own problems and reservations and that for now whatever they were was a no. All Neil could do was tell him that regardless of everything it was still a yes for him. He still trusted Andrew and for some fucking reason he still cared about him. It was kind of funny in some sick and twisted way, Neil had always fancied himself the runner, the one who got on tour buses for months on end to run away from his life and his past, but now Andrew was the one who ran. Surprises abound. 

Neil had spent the week reflecting on how his life had changed over the past two months since he'd met Andrew. He thought about how much more confident he'd become, how he actually wanted to get on stage and since his own songs, how many song's he'd written, some about Andrew and some not.

Still, even with all that change, he couldn't muster the strength to leave his apartment. He could barely find the energy to shower or change his clothes, only doing so when he could bare the feeling anymore. He ignored every call, every text, and he skipped hosting open mic night. The only person he had any contract with over the last week had been Allison and that was only because she let herself into his apartment to make sure he wasn't dead or back to drinking his life away. The thought of going out to buy a bottle of whiskey or something only briefly occurred to him but he decided that no matter how bad he felt nothing was worth him sliding back into that old self destructive habit.

Allison had badgered him all week to tell her what was wrong. The most she'd gotten out of him was that something had happened with Andrew and that was enough to set her off into detective mode. She called Roland, Matt, Renee, anyone who would know where Andrew was 'hiding' to try and find him to 'kick his ass for hurting her poor baby brother' but found out just as quickly as he had that no one knew where Andrew was.

Neil had gone to Renee in a particularly embarrassing moment of desperation, begging her to tell him where Andrew had gone, only to find out that even she didn't know. All that she could offer him was the text that Andrew had sent her saying he was going out of town for a while and that he'd be missing their weekly sparring sessions.

And so there he sat, pathetic and alone, in a ball on the couch watching some terrible fucking movie that had replayed on the same channel four times in the last week. He could almost quote the thing by now. He looked up only briefly as he heard the lock on his door disengage.

“I'm coming in, make sure you're dressed,” Allison yelled as she walked through the door, “Oh wait, who am I kidding? You've been wearing the same outfit for a fucking week.”

Neil only looked up at her from his spot on the couch with a cursory glance before frowning and curling back up into a ball while the horrible movie played in front of him.

She unloaded the food and brought both of their meals over to the coffee table, opening Neil's and setting it in front of his face in temptation while she took her usual spot in the chair across from him and began to pick at her salad.

Neil only looked at his food with casual disinterest which prompted another sigh from Allison, “Fucking eat it, I didn't spring on the wagyu for nothing.”

Neil only blinked and looked back at her while she stared him down.

“Thank you.” Neil mumbled as he cut into the steak and took a bite.

“He speaks!” Allison threw her hands up in celebration.

Neil sighed and began to pick at the baked potato that accompanied his meal, “She's annoying.”

“Wow, four words out of you today? Going for a new record, Nate?” Allison grinned

“Here's two more for you: fuck off.” Neil growled.

“I knew all that time with Andrew would taint your poor brain.” Allison rolled her eyes.

Neil tensed for a moment before getting up from the couch, picking up the plastic box that held his food and walking it to the kitchen and dropping it in the trash. He quickly returned back to the couch and curled back into a ball before glaring at Allison, “Don't talk about Andrew.”

Allison let out a loud groan and he could almost feel the tension radiating off of her, “No, Nate, that's exactly what we're going to do. We're going to talk about mother fucking Andrew Minyard and you're going to tell me what the hell is wrong!”

Neil only looked at her and blinked so she crossed to him, ripping the blanket off of him and hauling him up by his shoulders so he was in a sitting position on the couch, she crouched down in front of him so they were on the same level before smiling, “It's killing me to see you like this, babe. It's reminding me too much of when you used to go out and get fucked up. I'm worried about you.”

Neil looked back at her for what seemed like an eternity before his eyes began to fill with tears, he tried to blink them away but it was a futile effort, “He's gone, Allison, there's nothing to fucking talk about. He was here and then he wasn't.”

“What the hell happened?” Allison sighed, “Last I saw you were happier that I've ever seen you and that midget asshole was partly to thank for it.”

Neil let out another sigh and closed his eyes to put an end to the tears and to find a way to answer her without betraying Andrew's trust and the secrets he'd told him.

“I....he...Andrew is complicated.” Neil eventually settled on.

“You have to give me more to go on,” Allison frowned, “I can't help you or try to figure out what happened if you won't talk to me. It's _me_.”

Neil frowned as he fell back down on the couch and tucked his knees into his stomach, “There's only so much I can tell you without telling you Andrew's own secrets. We both have demons, Allison. We were trying to work them out between us and...I fucked it up one night. I did something that I shouldn't have because I thought Andrew wanted it or I thought it would be a good next step for us...but I didn't want to, or I did want to but then I freaked out and...fuck I can't explain it.”

Allison's eyes went wide as she took in what he'd just said and grabbed him by the shoulders, again hauling him up to eye level and leaning in close, “Did he hurt you?”

“What?” Neil asked, not getting where she was going.

“All these words,” Allison closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “Did he...do something to you?”

Allison's question finally dawned on him and he shot up off the couch, pushing her back to create a divide of space between them, “No! Fuck...Allison how could you ask that? How could you think that he would ever do that to me...fuck...not after what happened to him.”

Neil clapped a hand over his mouth when he realized what he'd just said and looked back at Allison who's eyes had gone wide with realization.

“Shit,” Allison sighed, “I'm sorry, I didn't know.”

“That's kinda the whole point of a 'secret' which I've now gone and fucked up anyway.” Neil groaned and felt his hand start to tremble.

“Tell me what happened.” Allison said softly as she walked across the room and put a hand on his shoulder to lead him back to the couch, “You don't have to elaborate on anything or Andrew's life, I can put two and two together so just tell me what happened between you two.”

Neil bit his lip and braced himself for the awkward conversation. Allison, to her credit, didn't react once as Neil told her the bare bones version of the story. About how Andrew had gotten him off and then felt comfortable enough for Neil to do it to him. About how Neil wanted to do it so badly at first but then quickly became overwhelmed by the entire experience when he finally saw Andrew naked. About how he still wanted to do it but also didn't want to do it at the same time. About how he still tried to and Andrew figured him out and then left the next morning.

“He thinks he's like the people that hurt us both.” Neil frowned as he finished the story, “I don't know how to fix this. He wont answer my calls or texts.”

Allison ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath before she spoke, “I can't imagine the kinds of things you two have been through. Obviously I know what you've told me but...”

“Just say whatever you're going to say, Allison.” Neil sighed.

“I think Andrew made the best decision he could have given the circumstances.” Allison said plainly and leaned forward in her chair.

“I...” Neil trailed off, he wasn't expecting that one.

“Don't tell me you can't see it?” Allison said, “You know better than anyone what it's like to run. Would you rather him have stuck around and kept you at arms length because he was scared of hurting you or whatever the hell else?”

Neil couldn't speak, the words were right on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't from them.

“I know it fucking hurts, I know you're sad and depressed and I know what it feels like to have something like this ripped away from you, someone who you care about and who makes you feel like you can take over the world. But guess what, Nate? You don't need Andrew to feel like that.”

“He...he made me feel like that though!” Neil protested, “When was the last time I wanted to sing in front of people? When did I sing the actual fucking songs I cared about? The one's that hurt so fucking bad?”

“Exactly!” Allison huffed, “You did that! You sang! You wrote! You did it all on your own!”

“No,” Neil shook his head, “I did it because of Andrew.”

Allison rolled her eyes and sat next to him on the couch, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pulling him close, “Maybe at first, sure. But you kept doing it. You kept writing, you kept singing. Don't tell me it was all because of Andrew. He might have unlocked the door for you but you stepped through it and kept going.”

“I hate you,” Neil sighed, “so much.”

“You're done punishing yourself for thinking you did something wrong with Andrew.” Allison smiled.

“I not punishing myself!” Neil growled.

“Sweetie, you haven't left your apartment in a week, you smell, you only eat if I force you to, and you've been sitting on a record deal from Palmetto Records.” Allison rolled her eyes.

“You...how do you know about Palmetto?” Neil gasped.

“Dan told me,” Allison shrugged, “Apparently their CEO came to meet you in person last week.”

“CEO?” Neil rose an eyebrow, “I only met their talent scout.”

“Really?” Allison questioned.

Neil went into him room and pulled his wallet out of an old pair of pants and flipped through it until he found the business card that the mad had given him.

“Well...fuck me.” Neil sighed, “Kevin Day, CEO, Palmetto Records.”

“Kevin Day as in old vice president of Edgar Allan?” Allison's eyes went wide as she snatched the card from him.

Neil recoiled a the shock, “Fuck, I knew the name sounded familiar.”

Neil had no idea how he missed it, he didn't pay much attention to the structure of his old label, Allison's current one, but to not even realize he was sitting in front of the former VP? Of course, he had been so focused on Andrew that night.

“Take the fucking deal, idiot.” Allison smacked him on the back of his head.

“I...release an EP? An album? Tour? By myself?” Neil shook his head, fuck no, the idea was too daunting and terrifying.

“This is what you wanted all those years ago before you let people get into your head about how you wouldn't be marketable because of some stupid fucking scars.” Allison put a hand on his shoulder again, “This was your real dream. Not being a writer and having other people sing your music, not being behind me for the last however many years. You deserve the spotlight.”

“I'm too fucked up for the spotlight.” Neil rolled his eyes which resulted in another smack from Allison.

“I would have said that two months ago...but now? You're more than ready. Chalk it up to Andrew or just you feeling more comfortable in your own skin, but you can fucking do this and I'll never forgive you if you decide that wallowing in your own misery is worth more than living your actual dream.” Allison grinned.

“I'll do it under one condition.” Neil smiled.

“What?” Allison rolled her eyes.

“You come with me. Leave Edgar Allan and come with me to Palmetto.” Neil bit his lip and waited for her to reply.

“Because it's so easy to just walk out on my contract.” Allison laughed.

“You said yourself that you were going to buy yourself out of it!” Neil protested.

“I was being a bitch,” Allison sighed, “even I couldn't afford the whole thing.”

“What if I got Palmetto to pay for it?” Neil smiled, “You know they would kill to have you.”

“Sure,” Allison shrugged, “You convince them to buy me out to the tune of however many million dollars and I'll gladly come along with you.”

It was a sarcastic dismissal on Allison's part but Neil smiled for the first time in a week and started crafting a plan in his head.

 

*

 

Two days later Neil sat in the waiting area of Palmetto Records. His hair was freshly cut and he wore the suit Allison had dragged him out of his apartment to get. He was still barely holding himself together and almost every time he thought of Andrew or wondered where he was he came close to crumbling but at least he was out of his apartment and doing something he actually thought he might enjoy. At least, if his plan worked out the way he wanted it to. He looked down at his phone and opened it to his text messages with Andrew, firing off another pathetic “It's still a yes for me” text message just before a small woman with dark hair drew his attention.

“Mr. Day will see you now.” The receptionist said.

Neil smiled and thanked her as she led the way to two large, wooden doors at the end of a hallway. Kevin Day opened them upon their arrived to greet them with a smile.

“Neil, I'm so glad you finally called.” Kevin said as he held out a hand.

Neil gave him his best forced smile and reached out to shake his hand, “Sorry, it's been a...hectic week.”

Kevin waved off the receptionist and led Neil into his large office, motioning for him to sit in one of the large plush chairs across from his desk, “I assume your lawyers have looked over the contract.”

“Yes,” Neil nodded.

As far as contracts go, this one wasn't half bad. One EP, minimum two albums, mandatory album promotion, and at least two tours and an option for renewal at any time. He could retain full creative control over all the music and most of the advertising as long as it fell within label standards. Plus, it came with a pretty hefty signing bonus. He would have signed it on the spot if he didn't have other plans.

“Good, I have big plants for you.” Kevin smiled, “If everything goes well today I want to announce within the next few days, build anticipation for the EP which I want to have out as soon a humanly possible as long as it doesn't fuck with your creative process, and then announce a small, cross country tour playing clubs and theaters. People will eat it up.”

“You seem to have all your ducks in a row.” Neil laughed.

“I'm just really excited, sorry. I always knew you could be more, even when I was at Edgar Allan, I wanted to fight for more from you over there but I knew it wasn't the place for you. Or for Allison. Fuck, for anyone. That label has been terrible since Riko took over.” Kevin cringed.

“Yeah,” Neil shook his head, “Riko isn't all there. I'm glad to be out from under him.”

Kevin laughed and pulled two bottles of water from a fridge in the corner of his office before Neil spoke again.

“About Allison...”

“What about her?” Kevin asked.

“If you want me that badly then she comes too.” Neil crossed his arms over his chest to try and seem as intimidating as possible.

Kevin raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his chair, “She's still under contract.”

“So?” Neil shrugged, “Buy her out.”

“You do realize how fucking expensive that would be, right? She's their star, they wouldn't let her go that easy.”

“We'll split the cost three ways.” Neil nodded.

“We?” Kevin laughed.

“The label, Allison, and me.” Neil leaned forward to rest his hands on the edge of Kevin's desk.

“You?” Kevin laughed.

“My signing bonus,” Neil nodded, “Put it towards Allison's buy out. I don't care about money, I don't need more than I already have. Between me, whatever you work out with Allison's lawyers for her to chip in, and what the label can cover you can easily come up with the money.”

“With all due respect, I don't think you know how hard this would be. It's not something that could just be done in a few days.” Kevin sighed.

“Amend my contract and I'll sign tomorrow.” Neil said, “Put a clause in it about Allison and me having the option to walk away after the tour and EP if stuff with her falls through.”

Kevin bit his lip and leaned back in his chair. “No signing bonus, EP, tour, and one full length album regardless of what happens with Allison and you have a deal.”

Neil thought about it for a minute. He could put together a three song EP, tour it with a few covers and a song or two of Allison's live, and then mange to scrape together a full length album. It wouldn't be the worst thing, even if it fell through and they couldn't get Allison.

“You have a deal,” Neil smiled, “and Allison and I have already talked about us doing a duet together to release as a single if this all works out. Not to mention that potential of her and Dan doing a song together. You'd make your money back in a year or two.”

“You don't have to convince me, Neil.” Kevin rolled his eyes, “I just have to convince the rest of the board.”

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

One month later and Andrew was still on that fucking beach. He still hadn't been able to convince himself to do what he had to. All he could do was just sit there with his tablet as the sound of the waves crashing against the shore echoed around him, looking at the screen that was filled with ticket prices for flights from Florida to California. He'd come so close to buying the fucking ticket so many times over the last month but he couldn't work up the nerve. He didn't even know what he would say once he got there, what he could say to her. Every day he drew this out was another day he felt like he couldn't be around Neil, like he couldn't trust himself until he put his darkest demon to rest.

Neil though, by all accounts, seemed to be doing great.

Andrew exited out of the airline's app and went back to the article he was reading.

_Music World Shocker: Allie Jay Leaves Edgar Allan Records To Join Former Song Writing Partner And Rising Solo Music Star Neil Josten on Palmetto Records_

The sneaky little bastard, he should have know where was no way Neil would accept that deal from Kevin Day if he couldn't drag Allison's annoying ass with him. Still, he had to admit that the best day he'd had since he left that morning was the day he woke up to the article that announced Neil's signing to Palmetto and his intention to release a three song EP at the end of the month with a tour soon to follow. It was the first time that Andrew felt like maybe he didn't make the wrong choice, maybe it was better that he didn't try to stick it out and work around all his issues just so he could be with the one person he wanted so fucking badly. Neil never would have signed if Andrew was there, he knew it deep down that Neil would have rather cut his own fingers off than leave behind a life he was comfortable in. So, in retrospect, maybe this time apart had helped both of them. After everything that Neil had told him about his insecurities when it came to him being a solo artist, the fact that he'd signed and committed to an EP and a tour? It made a fucking begrudging smile cross Andrew's usually dead face.

Andrew looked down at his phone and opened the thread of text's from Neil again, 29 consecutive text messages all from the idiot still saying the same fucking thing, _'it's still a yes for me.'_

If Andrew was replying to him or even still keeping track Neil's percentage would be at somewhere around 300% about now. Still, a text from Neil hadn't come today yet and it was later than usual. He tried to push aside the thought that maybe a text wouldn't come, that Neil had had enough and it wasn't a yes anymore, that he was done with Andrew for good. It produced an uncomfortable tightness in his chest.

Andrew knew how irrational he was being, he really did, he didn't deserve to wait on edge for these text's from Neil. He didn't deserve for it to still be a yes, not after what he did, but fuck if he didn't still hope that Neil would be there when he got back. There were days where he fought with himself over the fact that he wanted to reply to one of Neil's texts, or just call him to hear his stupid voice, but he knew if he did that then he would want to go back. And he couldn't go back, not until he felt like he could trust himself. And to do that he still had to grow balls big enough to take him to California.

The sound of Wymack stomping through the sand behind him drew him out of his small spiral, “Abby and I are in for the night, you can borrow the car now.”

Andrew stood from the sand and brushed himself off before grabbing the keys from Wymack, “I'll try not to wreck it.”

“Please.” Wymack groaned.

Andrew rolled his eyes as he made his way to the car and to the nearest music store, Today was the day a certain idiot's EP came out.

 

*

 

Andrew sat in the front seat of Wymack's car with the CD case clasped tightly in his hands. He couldn't even remember the last time he bought a physical album. Hell, he didn't even know for sure if Neil's EP would be released physically. He could have bought it on iTunes, he almost did, but the second he saw the cover he knew he needed it to be tangible. He needed to be able to hold it in his hands, to see it in person. And he just so happened to get the last one, the girl at the check out counter had told him he was lucky because it had been flying off the shelf all day.

Neil Josten's debut EP, _Fox_ , was an almost undeniable hit.

Andrew looked down to his hands and saw Neil's blue eye's staring back at him. He looked...ethereal on the fucking cover. His face was angled ever so slightly so the side of his cheek with his burn scar was more prominent than the side without and it made a twinge of longing shoot through his body. Neil had allowed this, he allowed the picture that featured the scar he was so self conscious over to be the one one that everyone would see. His auburn hair caught the light perfectly and looked like he was on fire. He looked fucking perfect, like a beautiful avenging angel that he didn't deserve to be looking at.

He ran his fingers across the cover, lingering longingly on Neil's lips, before he flipped it over. There were only three songs on it. Two Andrew recognized, Cruel World and Gods & Monsters, and one he didn't.

Andrew couldn't believe he'd put the first song on the record, the song that he sang the first night they met, the song that had drawn his attention to Neil in the first place, the song that fucked Neil up so terribly. But there it was, the song about his parents and his fucked up life as the opening track to his first solo release. He knew that Neil had grown over the last few months but this was the most perfect way to quantify it, he was letting the rest of the world in on his pain and it was honestly a fucking inspiration. If Neil could face his demons like that then maybe one day soon Andrew would be able to do it too.

The second song was one that Andrew knew vividly too, it was the song Neil sang the night before Andrew left. The song that Neil had written about him, that fucking bastard. The last song though? That was a mystery, one that he was scared to unravel.

Andrew opened the case and pulled out the booklet and stopped in awe. It was only four pages long but each page had another picture of Neil. The most striking picture was a part of the acknowledgments page, Neil laying on the ground and being photographed from above in a pair of tight jeans and a white shirt, the shirt was ridden up ever so slightly that one of his scars stood out against his tan skin. He had his hands above his head and tangled through his hair and was looking off to the side towards something out of frame. As if that wasn't enough to take his breath away, when he finally read the acknowledgments he could have died right there on the spot. There were only two lines on the entire page.

“ _To Allison, for being the best friend and sister I could have ever hoped to find. And to Andrew, for helping me see that I was more than my past and that I had a future, one I look forward to sharing someday. ”_

Andrew bit his lip and balled his hand into a fist, pressing his nails into the soft skin until it hurt too much to take anymore. The idiot had dedicated the fucking thing to him, even after everything. It was all the more incentive to do what he needed to before he could get back to Neil and find out if that future still included him. He shook his head and put the CD into the car and closed his eyes as it began to play.

Neil's voice sounded absolutely haunting as it poured out of the speakers and all Andrew could do was close his eyes and listen as the words washed over him. The production was out of this world, so much more intense than anything he'd ever heard before and hearing the songs that Neil had only snag once before with an acoustic guitar now accompanied by pianos and strings and who knows what else was like something he'd never felt before. He listened to the first two songs in complete silence and held his breath as the next one [started](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br4Lb4Uikfc).

The first seven notes, just a separate string of a guitar for each, hit him in the chest like seven gunshots.

 

 _Blue jeans, white shirt_  
_Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn_  
_It was like, James Dean, for sure_  
_You're so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer_  
_You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop_  
_But you fit me better than my favorite sweater, and I know_  
_That love is mean, and love hurts_  
_But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby_

  
  
_I will love you 'til the end of time_  
_I would wait a million years_  
_Promise you'll remember that you're mine_  
_Baby can you see through the tears_  
_Love you more_  
_Than those bitches before_  
_Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember, oh baby ooh_  
_I will love you 'til the end of time_

 

 _Big dreams, gangster_  
_Said you had to leave to start your life over_  
_I was like, “No please, stay here,_  
_We don't need no money we can make it all work,”_  
_But he headed out on Sunday, said he'd come on Monday_  
_I stayed up waitin', anticipatin', and pacin'_  
_But he was chasing paper_  
_"Caught up in the game" ‒ that was the last I heard_

 

 _I will love you 'til the end of time_  
_I would wait a million years_  
_Promise you'll remember that you're mine_  
_Baby can you see through the tears_  
_Love you more_  
_Than those bitches before_  
_Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember, oh baby ooh_  
_I will love you 'til the end of time_

 

 _You went out every night_  
_And baby that's alright_  
_I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side_  
_Cause Imma ride or die_  
_Whether you fail or fly_  
_Well shit at least you tried._  
_But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died_  
_I told you I wanted more, but that's not what I had in mind_  
_I just want it like before_  
_We were dancing all night_  
_Then they took you away, stole you out of my life_  
_You just need to remember...._

  
  
_I will love you 'til the end of time_  
_I would wait a million years_  
_Promise you'll remember that you're mine_  
_Baby can you see through the tears_  
_Love you more_  
_Than those bitches before_  
_Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember, oh baby ooh_  
_I will love you 'til the end of time_

 

 

Andrew sucked in another deep breath as the words hit him. So now there was an entire release dedicated to him and two songs that were written about him on it? It was almost too much to take, too much sensory overload, too much to think that Neil would care that much about him. He remembered how Neil once told him how he wrote his most personal songs as a mixture of truth and lie. One line could be completely and brutally honest while the next was something he'd just written in because it sounded good or something like that. He knew that this song was exactly what Neil had talked about. He didn't think Neil actually loved him, though maybe they could get there but that was another conversation entirely because Andrew even doubted his ability to love someone, but the song so clearly put into words what Neil must have felt when he woke up that morning and found Andrew's note. Maybe it was Neil's new way or reaching out? Maybe he knew that Andrew would hear this song and it was the only way he would actually fucking listen? It was the musical equivalent to the daily text message, it was a song saying that I still care about you, you hurt me when you left but I still fucking care about you and I want you to come back.

The song ended and Andrew sat in silence, alone with his thoughts that were screaming in his head, and he would have been content to stay that way if not for the ping of his phone. As if the asshole had sensed it, Neil had sent him another text.

“It's still a yes for me.”

30 days of consecutive texts. Andrew bit his lip and picked up his phone, opening his camera and taking a picture of Neil's EP sitting in the seat next to him. He attached the picture and typed out a message and hit send before he could think about what he was doing enough to stop himself.

“I listened. It's still a yes for me too, I just need more time.”

 


	10. Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the ending of the chapter is a lil rough with what it goes into detail about with andrew but hopefully you're feeling as like as he is by the end of it!

 

 

 

 

10

[Ride](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvb8wdBglpw)

 

**Neil**

 

Neil sat in the back of his tour bus and scribbled away at one of the many notebooks that surrounded his small bed. He'd been on the road with his new band for three weeks, writing a new song every day and playing a new venue almost every night. It was a rush, if he was being honest. It was nothing like touring with Allison, it was less structured, less choreographed, less pop star and more nomad. It was everything he never knew he wanted. Well, a part of him knew, the part of him that he'd stuffed down and hidden all these years, the part that he'd been so scared of letting people see, letting people find out that existed. The part that Andrew had drawn out of him.

It had been two months since Andrew left and one month since Neil had gotten the text from him saying he'd listened to _Fox._ Fuck, he did more than listen, he bought it. He had the physical thing in his hand, he could open the book and see it was dedicated in part to him, he'd heard the songs and the emotions, and it was still a yes.

Neil had no idea how much more time Andrew would need, he certainly didn't expect it to be another month entirely, but he was willing to wait for him because he was Andrew. The time apart had enforced what he'd know for a long time, that Andrew was all he wanted. It still hurt, not seeing him, not talking to him, getting no replies aside from that single message a month ago but the freedom of the road helped. It helped dull the pain that Andrew's absence caused until it got to a point where didn't really mind the pain because he now knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is. Andrew had given that to him and he would thank him every single day for it whenever they reunited.

“Neil, we're all going out for drinks before the show tonight, you coming?” Xander, his drummer, asked as he stuck his head back into Neil's small living area.

Neil smiled and shook his head, “Nah, you know I'm not much of a drinker.”

Xander rolled his eyes and lingered for another second, “Sure? We could find you a nice handsome guy to kiss if you want?”

Neil groaned and held his pen up in front of his face like a dart, “You have less than two seconds to move before this goes into your eye.”

“So touchy!” Xander grinned as he stuck his tongue out, barely dodging the pen as Neil flung it towards his head.

Xander meant well and Neil had fallen into something resembling a friendship with him the most out of all of his new band mates, he was the only one to not ask dumb questions initially like why half of the songs he sang where about men. Well, they weren't about men, they were about one man in particular. He'd been bombarded with questions about his sexuality since the release of his EP but so far he'd been able to brush most of them off by telling reporters that his music spoke for himself. Though he did make a note to ask Allison how the fuck she handles stuff like that constantly the next time they talked.

No one expected _Fox_ to take off like it did, least of all Neil. The label, of course, was overjoyed but the idea that people wanted to hear him sing the songs he'd written was a foreign concept to him. Years of thinking he was too ugly or not special enough to be anything more than a writer had really done a number on his self esteem but having an EP with his face that featured his scar so prominently shoot to the number one spot on iTunes just an hour after it's release? Well, that did a bit to negate some of the long standing damage. Though it was a bit awkward that he was being heralded as this big mainstream breakthrough just because he was a man that sang about another man and was becoming more and more popular. He wasn't gay, he wasn't bi, he wasn't anything really. Well, Xander had told him one night when he was drunk that Neil was 'Andrewsexual' and it was enough to make him want to die right there on the spot because wouldn't _that_ be a fun headline.

Neil fell back onto the bed and laughed as he looked up at the glow in the dark stars Allison had stuck to the ceiling before he'd left town, _'they'll remind you to reach for the stars every night before you close your eyes'_ she had said, or something stupid and corny like that. It worked though, every night when he went to bed he thought of how lucky he was to be in whatever city he was in that night and how he couldn't wait to wake up in another one by the next morning.

The current state was California and the current city was San Francisco. Tonight was the last official show of his tour and he was playing to a sold out crowd at the fucking historic Fillmore. If he stopped to think about the previous shows of the tour, all sold out and all at these amazing places across the country, then he wouldn't have been able to stand it. He needed to sleep and conserve energy for tonight. Especially since his next show two days later would be in Los Angeles and was a joint concert with Allison at The Roxy, her first official show since she'd been bought of out Edgar Allan and joined Neil at Palmetto.

Neil closed his notebook and pushed it off the side of the bed and pulled the blanket up around his shoulders, giving one last look at the little stars above him before he closed his eyes and fell into a peaceful sleep.

He was Nathaniel and he was free.

 

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

The last place Andrew every thought he would be again was California, let alone that he would be there for two fucking weeks. It had taken him an entire week after he texted Neil to finally work up the courage to buy the damn ticket to the state but once he landed he realized that he still couldn't stomach confronting the one person he'd always felt the need to. So he sat around the small motel room that he'd rented for the foreseeable future for two weeks, trying and failing every single day to get into the car he'd rented and drive it up to the front door of the house that held so many bad memories for him. Maybe that was the reason? Maybe he was scared to see the house, scared to walk back inside and see that it hadn't changed, to see all the places he was hurt when it was just the two of them in that house when she went out for groceries or to dinner with her friends?

Not for the first time, but Andrew punched the wall in front of him, leaving yet another small indentation. He'd long since given up hope of getting his security deposit for the room back. All he wanted to do was get this over with so he could be free of the last lingering thread of his past and try to move on with Neil.

Andrew sighed as he fell back onto the entirely too uncomfortable bed and grabbed his tablet off of the nightstand. He unlocked it and pulled up the video of Neil he'd grown so enamored with over the last few days. It was of him at a stop on his tour, one stage, drenched in sweat in just a white shirt and dark jeans, his hair matted to his forehead as he sang along to Blue Jeans. Andrew felt the tightness in his chest again and sighed as he ran a lingering finger across the screen before shutting it off.

Neil was only a few hours away from him at this point and he swore he could fucking feel his presence. Two nights from now and they would be in the same god damn city. Andrew hadn't really planned for his trip to California to align so perfectly with Neil's tour, in fact he figured he would be done in the damn city by now, but maybe the crippling fear was the universes was of keeping him in the same place until Neil got to him.

He looked across the room to the small desk and the notebook sitting in top of it, it was next to a shitty acoustic guitar he'd picked up at a pawnshop in town. With yet another sigh he pushed himself out of bed and towards the equally uncomfortable chair that sat in front of the desk. He turned the small lamp on and flipped the notebook open to the only page that had writing on it, it was something he'd been working on for the last few weeks, a way to explain himself to Neil in the way that the idiot would most understand. Now that he finally had a guitar, albeit a shitty one, to go along with it he found that the words came much easier when he could play out the melody. He took the pen that was resting between his lips and scribbled down a few notes and made a few changes to the flow before getting frustrated and threw the pen across the room, secretly wishing it was a knife just so it would make that satisfying thunk sound when it embedded itself into the wall.

Andrew growled as he turned off the lamp beside him and sank back into the terrible bed. Two days to get his shit together if he wanted to finally see Neil's stupid face again in person.

Two days to work up the courage to confront Cass Spear on her doorstep.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

Neil braced himself against his mic stand as he wiped the sweat off his brow using a towel someone had thrown at him from backstage.

“Wow,” Neil laughed into the mic, “is it fucking hot in here or is it just me?”

The crowed screamed and Neil felt the electric jolt go through his body for the umpteenth time since he began the tour. The feeling was indescribable. He'd heard the screams of adoring fans before, but never for him, it was always for Allison or someone else. But he would never get over the feeling of people screaming for him.

“So, you guys are my last official stop on my first solo tour and I have to say you guys have been amazing.” Neil paused and the audience screamed again.

“I've been writing a lot since the tour stated, almost every night actually. I have about 30 songs in my book now and I've been trying to figure out which one I wanted to debut for you guys tonight as a special treat for my last show,” Neil took a gulp of water from a bottle at the edge of the stage before he continued, “I settled on this one because I think it really captures how I've felt through the entire thing. When I started this tour I wasn't in the best place and I was kinda using it as an escape, as a way to run from something...but as it went on it became so much more.”

Neil unhooked his mic from the stand and walked a few steps across the stage to the large piano that set off to the side, he placed the mic in the holder that was attached to the piano and sat down, testing the keys just to make sure it was working properly, “It became everything I didn't know I needed and all of you in this room tonight are a part of that. I can't say thank you enough so this song will have to do and I'm pretty confident it will be on my first album whenever that gets released. This is [Ride](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvb8wdBglpw).”

Neil flexed his fingers before letting them fall to the piano as he played the opening notes with his eyes closed.

 

 _I've been out on that open road_  
_You can be my full time baby,_  
_White and gold_  
_Singing blues has been getting old_  
_You can be my full time baby,_  
_Hot or cold_  
  
_Don't break me down_  
_I've been travelin' too long_  
_I've been trying too hard_  
_With one pretty song_

 

Neil bit his lip and looked back at his band, nodding his head in a signal for them all to come together for the chorus as it swelled around the room, that hadn't really practiced the song and it was going better than he'd imagined it would.

 

 _I hear the birds on the summer breeze,_  
_I drive fast, I am alone in midnight_  
_Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,_  
_But I, I've got a war in my mind_  
_So, I just ride, just ride,_  
_I just ride, just ride_  
  
_Dying young and I'm playing hard_  
_That's the way my father made his life an art_  
_Drink all day and we talk 'til dark_  
_That's the way the road dogs do it – ride 'til dark._  
  
_Don't leave me now_  
_Don't say good bye_  
_Don't turn around_  
_Leave me high and dry_

 

The atmosphere in the room was thick with something he'd never felt before. He looked out into the crowd and saw a sea of smiling faces, all waving and nodding along to a song they had never heard and knew none of the lyrics to.

 

 _I hear the birds on the summer breeze,_  
_I drive fast, I am alone in midnight_  
_Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,_  
_But I, I've got a war in my mind_  
_I just ride, just ride,_  
_I just ride, just ride_  
  
_I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy_  
_I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes_  
_It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby_  
_So I just ride, I just ride_  
  
_I hear the birds on the summer breeze,_  
_I drive fast, I am alone in midnight_  
_Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,_  
_But I, I've got a war in my mind_  
_I just ride, just ride,_  
_I just ride, I just ride_

 

Neil's entire body was buzzing when the song finished. The moment that the crowed goes silent is what he lived for the most, that spit second where they process what they just heard before they go crazy...well it's better than any fucking drug or drink he'd ever gotten himself hooked on. It was a feeling he never knew he could have and it was one he never wanted to lose.

 

*

 

Neil was still on a post-show high by the time he got back to his tour bus. He pushed his way past his rowdy band mates who had already begun their celebratory party and made his way back to his small and secluded room.

“Don't kill yourselves tonight, guys.” Neil laughed, “We still have one show left.”

“Yeah!” Xander smiled, “But it's two days away so we can get as fucked up as we want tonight to celebrate the end of our official tour. You killed it out there, boss.”

“Seriously,” Alex, his bass player, nodded, “they went fucking crazy for that new song.”

“You guys picked it up really fast,” Neil smiled, “it wasn't just me up there.”

“Aw,” Xander wiped a mock tear away from his eye, “boss man is getting sappy.”

“Shut up, Xander.” Neil rolled his eyes, “I'm just saying thank you for helping me get through this whole thing. I was a bit overwhelmed at first but you guys have been great and...I'd love to keep you guys around permanently if you want it.”

“Seriously?” Xander's eyes went wide.

“Yep.” Neil nodded, “I've already talked to the label and my manager and we're ready to send out all the paperwork that we'd need to make you guys my full time band for any live shows, TV appearances, and recording sessions. You don't have to let me know now, I know we all need a break after the last show with Allison, but I want to get into the studio as soon as possible after I take a month or so to cool down.”

“We'll...talk it over.” Xander smiled.

“Good.” Neil grinned, “Now try to keep it the fuck down, I need my beauty sleep.”

“Love you too!” The rest of the band laughed in unison as Neil shut the door behind himself and secured the lock firmly into place.

He fell onto the bed and looked back up at the little plastic stars above him that had begun to glow into the dark and felt a war euphoria spread through him.

He did it. He completed his first tour. He had a kick ass band who had slowly become like another family to him and tomorrow he and Allison would do their first show together as equals. Now all that was missing was Andrew.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

One day until Neil. One final fucking day to get this over with. He was out of time to delay the inevitable and as he drove down the all to familiar streets he felt the feeling of impending doom set in. He hadn't stepped foot in the neighbor hood since that night ten years ago, the night when he'd finally had enough of Drake holding him down and taking whatever he wanted from him, the night that Drake had made the mistake of having 'playtime with Andy' in the kitchen, entirely too close to the butchers block, the night that Andrew suffered through one final attack only to drive the butcher knife deep into Drake's carotid artery as soon as he came.

The blaring car horn drew him back to reality as he realized he'd just run a red light, narrowly missing being t-boned by an oncoming car, “Fuck.”

Andrew looked down at the wheel and at his hands, white knuckled and tendons stretched tight and taught from his death grip on the wheel. Only a few more turns and he would be sitting in what used to be the home of his dreams and what was now the home of so many of his nightmares. He often wondered why Cass never moved, why she would want to live in the home where her son raped little boys and then died because of it. Maybe he would ask her today.

His breath hitched as he finally caught sight of the home. It looked utterly unassuming at first glance, a cute, homey place painted a bright yellow and adorned with green shutters. A white picket fence wrapped around the front of the yard and beautiful roses lines either side of the home. It was as idyllic as it could be. Even the clothesline was still in the same spot and currently held a selection of sheets that were flapping in the wind to dry. Cass has always liked to air dry her linens, she said it made them more pleasant to sleep in. Pleasant if you weren't being pinned down into them every night, he guessed.

Andrew took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to take a moment to center himself, and realized his hands were shaking. It wasn't long after that his entire body began to tremble. He shoved a still jittery hand into his pocket and called pulled up Bee's number, not giving a damn about time zone differences.

“Andrew?” Bee asked in a confused voice as she answered.

“Hi.” Andrew said softly, “Am I bothering you?”

“No...no...” Bee trailed off, “I'm just at dinner with a colleague.”

“Oh,” Andrew huffed, “I didn't realize what time it was there, still adjusting to the new time zone.”

“Time zone? Where are you?” Bee asked, her voice tight with tension.

“California.” Andrew shrugged.

Bee was silent for a long moment and he heard the shuffling of a chair and her politely excuse herself for a moment before the sound of a door opening and closing behind her, “Why are you in California? Have you been there this entire time? I thought you were in Florida.”

“I've been here for two weeks,” Andrew said, “Florida was before that.”

“Why have you been in California for so long?” Bee asked.

Andrew rolled his eyes and scoffed, “You know the only reason I would be here. I've been trying to work up the courage to do it for two fucking weeks.”

“You're there to speak to Cassandra Spear.” Bee said, her voice entirely not a question.

“Sitting outside of her house right now, actually.” Andrew hummed.

“Do you think you're ready for this?” Bee said softly, “Is this why you left?”

“Part of it.” Andrew nodded, “I didn't trust myself around Neil and I feel like it all comes back to these unresolved issues with Cass. I hate her but...I also miss her...and then you know, I killed her son.”

“Her son that was molesting you.” Bee interjected.

“Yep. She doesn't see it like that. Last time I saw her she called me a monster. _Me._ ” Andrew sighed.

“And that's stuck with you for ten years?” He could almost hear Bee frowning, “Why have you never mentioned it?”

“Because...” Andrew trailed off and tried to gather his thoughts, “I never had anyone that I cared about not being a monster to.”

“But now you do, you have Neil and you don't want to be like the others.” Bee said softly.

“No. I won't let me let myself be worried that I'll be like them. Not anymore.” Andrew stumbled over his words, settling on the least awkward way he could think to phrase what he wanted to get across.

“So...are you looking for Cass' validation still? Do you want her to see that you're not the monster she thinks you are?” Bee wondered.

“I don't give a fuck what she thinks, not anymore. That's what I've been trying to get over these last two months. I needed time to clear my head, to be alone with my thoughts so I could finally come to the realization that what Cass thinks doesn't mean shit. I don't care about what people think of me. Well...most people.” Andrew sighed.

“Who do you care about?” Bee said softly.

“I care about what the people I care about think,” Andrew took a breath, “You. Fucking Wymack and Abby even if I hate them most of the time. And Neil. But most of all...I care about what I think about myself. I don't want to keep looking in the mirror and seeing this guy who I'm afraid could turn into a monster at any second. I don't want to be scared that I'm going to hurt Neil or take from him what people took from me. I want to fucking trust myself, Bee. I want to not...I want to not be like this anymore.”

“Andrew,” he swore he heard a small chuckle come from Bee, “I've been trying to get you to realize this for years.”

“Yeah,” Andrew rolled his eyes, “Someone told me recently that they realized they could be more than just their past and I want that for myself too. It's why I need to go up to that door and tell her how I've felt all these years. How I thought I could love her as a mother and how she betrayed me.”

“Keep your head, Andrew.” Bee said softly, “Call me immediately if anything happens.”

“I'm not going to kill her, Bee.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

“Obviously,” Bee laughed, “but you have a tendency to lose your head in some situations. Just remember what I've told you and you'll be OK.”

“Got it,” Andrew huffed, “go back to your date.”

“Good luck.” Bee said before Andrew hung up the phone.

Andrew looked down and realized that he was no longer trembling, his body was a still as a serene pond of water but he wasn't dumb enough to not realize that all it took to disturb that pond would be the smallest of pebbles thrown into it and it was time to drop a fucking boulder into it.

Andrew took another breath and let himself through the familiar latched gate, stopping as the wind blew the laundry on the line and shivering when he smelled the same fucking laundry detergent that she'd used all those years ago. It was enough to make bile rise in his throat when he remembered his head being shoved down into a pillow that smelled of lilies and lilacs. He paused for a moment before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it just for a few seconds so he cold hold it close to his nose and feel the comforting smell of menthol and nicotine before he continued. He tossed the still burning butt at one of the sheets on the line and smiled at the small black scorch mark it left in it's wake.

When he finally made it to the front door his hand was on the bell before he could even think to stop himself.

“I'm coming, one second!” A familiar and muffled voice called out from the other side.

Andrew closed his eyes as he heard the lock disengage and opened his eyes just in time to see Cass Spear.

She looked different that he thought she would. The time hadn't been kind to her, she looked older and more weathered. Her previously wavy and thick hair seemed thinner and more coarse now, the color faded and overtaken by long tendrils of gray. Her face was covered in lines of worry, stress, and sadness. He had to admit that part of him took joy in that. Took joy in seeing the life sucked out of the woman who was supposed to protect him.

It took Cass a moment to recognize him but as she did Andrew could see her world start to spin behind her eyes. She let out a large gasp, dropping the plastic watering can at her feet and clasping a hand over her gaping mouth.

“Andy?” Cass took a step backwards and braced herself against the wall.

Andrew hesitated for a few seconds, “Don't call me that.”

“You....you...” Cass stammered, “you should be here.

“Maybe, but here I am.” Andrew kept his voice flat and leveled, “I need to talk to you.”

“I have nothing to say to you.” Cass steadied herself and crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive posture.

“I said I need to talk to you, I didn't say anything about you replying. You owe me that.” Andrew took in another deep breath.

“I owe you?” Cass gasped, “You killed my son!”

“Because your son raped me! Not just once! Not just twice! But a whole fucking hell of a lot of times!” Andrew growled.

“Keep your voice down!” Cass demanded as she nervously looked over his shoulder for any lingering neighbors.

“Don't pretend like that don't know,” Andrew rolled his eyes, “You still live in the same place. Hey, you even have the same couch. Should I tell you how many times Drake made me play doctor with him on that couch while you went out to the grocery store or to get dinner? I wonder if the bed in my old room is still the same? Boy, if these walls could talk you might be able to stop living in that fantasy world of yours where your son was perfect.”

“How dare you come to my home and talk about him like that,” Cass snapped, “You're a monster! I saw it in your eyes all those years ago when they hauled you out of that court room.”

“The only monster is you. You're the one who turned a blind eye to me when I was hurt and crying. You were supposed to protect me! Do you remember what you told me the first day that I came to live with you? You fucking told me that you wouldn't let anyone else hurt me ever again now that I was with you. You told me that this was my home now and it would always be safe. Little did I know I was living with two fucking monsters. I'm glad I killed him.” Andrew let a sick smile cross his face.

“Of course you are,” Cass shook her head, “You were always jealous of Drake. If your story was true then why did you take the plea? You knew there would be no case, you knew that it was all a lie, I just didn't see it until it was too late for my poor son.”

“Wow, you're even more fucked up than I thought,” Andrew laughed, “I took the deal because I knew juvie would keep me out of another fucking foster home and away from another dad or brother who wanted to take 'family bonding' to a whole new level. I took the deal because the thought of having to sit through a trial and tell a room full of people over and over again how your son raped me and used me any fucking way he wanted any time we were alone made me sick. Being locked up was the safer option for everyone.”

Cass stared at him with blinking eyes. Andrew knew he was done here, he came to say what he had to and he could already feel the weight that was there for a decade lifting off his shoulders.

Still, he couldn't resist one last twist of the knife so to speak, “I've always wondered though...did you have to get new tile in the kitchen? I remember there being a lot of blood, did it stain?”

Cass blinked in astonishment a few times before steeping back into the house and screaming, “You're crazy! Get out of here before I call the police!”

And with that Andrew was now standing face to face with a closed door. It went well, all things considered. He turned his back to the door and made his way back to the car. As he walked he couldn't suppress the laugh that escaped his mouth and by the time he'd gotten back to his car he was almost doubled over in hysterics. He hadn't laughed like this in the longest fucking time. He unlocked the car door and sunk down into the seat, resting his forehead on the wheel as his body continued to shake with laughter. It took a minute or two to calm down but when the episode was over he felt an overwhelming lightness to himself. He felt like he could finally live. It was something he never thought he would feel. Maybe Cass was right, maybe he was crazy.

He was fucking crazy. But he was free.

 

 


	11. Flipside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

 

 

 

 

11

[Flipside](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5ND1vE-5z8)

 

**Bee**

 

A frantic buzzing from the right side of her bed stirred Bee from her slumber in the early hours of the morning. She had many patients, all of whom she cared deeply for, but she could only think of one who would be calling at such an hour.

“Andrew?” She answered the phone without looking at it, the worry in her voice masked by the sleep.

“Hey.” Andrew said.

She could tell in an instant that there was something different about his voice. She had been working with Andrew for close to four years now, ever since her oldest friend, Abby Wymack, had called her and told her that one very damaged young man whom David had befriended through his involvement with a local psychiatric center was moving to the city full time and would need someone who he could talk to. Abby never elaborated on Andrew's past during that phone call, she still didn't even know if Abby knew the extent of Andrew's troubled life, but the call was enough for her to want to help.

And so here she sat, almost five years later, still talking with Andrew at all hours of the night and still caring so deeply for him that it sometimes hurt.

“Andrew, is everything OK?” Bee asked, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible.

“Yeah,” Andrew laughed, “everything is actually amazing.”

Bee was instantly taken aback. She had never heard Andrew actually laugh, an occasional sarcastic chuff maybe but never an actual laugh. His voice carried a lighter tone that was rarely on display as well.

“I take it things with Cass went well?” Bee asked, sitting up in bed and flicking her bedside lamp on.

“I suppose,” Andrew said softly, “if you think her calling me crazy and saying that I lied about Drake raping me because I was jealous that she loved him more than me 'well'.”

“Oh, Andrew...” Bee trailed off.

“It doesn't bother me, I told her to fuck off. I told her everything that I've been keeping pent up for the last decade. I told her how much she, not just Drake, hurt me. I told her she was the real monster. And I did it all without killing anyone. Though, I did burn one of the sheets she had hanging on the line...” Andrew trailed off.

“Baby steps,” Bee smiled to herself, “How do you feel?”

“I feel...free.” Andrew sighed.

Bee wiped a tear from her eye and took a moment to steel herself, hoping that none of her emotion registered over the phone, “I'm so very proud of you. This is such an important step in this entire process.”

“Yeah,” Andrew said softly, “I'm proud of myself too.”

Bee felt more tears forming and was unable to stop the sniffle that escaped.

“Bee, are you...” Andrew trailed off, “Thank you. I don't think I've ever thanked you throughout this whole thing. You've done so much for me.”

“I appreciate it, Andrew.” Bee said, “I didn't do this alone. You did just as much work as I have, so thank you for trust me and trusting yourself. What are your next plans?”

“Well,” Andrew laughed again, “Neil and I will finally be in the same place after a few months apart. I have something good planned.”

“So, you feel like you can trust yourself with Neil now?” Bee asked.

“Obviously I know I'm not magically fixed,” Andrew said quietly, “but I think I can learn to trust myself.”

“It's very good that you realize that this experience didn't fix everything.” Bee smiled.

“Don't worry, you're not getting rid of me that easily. I may feel like I'm a little less fucked up than I was before but that still leaves me pretty fucked up in general.” Andrew laughed again.

“When you get back we're going to have a conversation about how referring to yourself like that does not help in building a positive self image.” Bee shook her head, still smiling.

“I look forward to it.” Andrew said.

“Good luck with Neil, Andrew.” Bee said as she turned off her bedside lamp again, “I hope I get to meet him someday.”

Andrew was silent for a moment before he spoke, which was standard when Andrew wanted to say something he deemed too sappy or emotional, “I hope you do too.”

Andrew hung up before she could say goodbye. Bee returned her phone to it's previous position and sank back down into her bed, pulling the covers up tightly around her shoulders. That night she fell back to sleep with a smile plastered across her face knowing that the young boy that she first took into her care four years ago had just passed on of his biggest milestones. And for the first time in four years she knew without a doubt in her mind that Andrew Minyard was going to be OK.

 

*

 

**Neil**

 

“I forgot how much I loved sleeping in an actual bed!” Neil laughed as he threw himself down onto the king bed of the suite of his hotel in downtown Los Angeles.

Allison perched herself on the arm of the long sofa that wrapped around the living room and Renee was slightly behind her, having just returned from the in suite kitchen with two drinks in her hand, a vodka soda for Allison and a water for herself.

Allison leaned forward and narrowed her eyes in on Neil, “Now you know how I've felt these last few years! And you always made fun of me and called me a spoiled princess.”

“You are a spoiled princess,” Neil rolled his eyes, “every single one of your beds on any of your tour buses was five times bigger than mine.”

“Didn't know you were so high maintenance, Nate.” Allison laughed.

Renee smiled before taking a sip of her water, “The bright lights of fame corrupts another one.”

Neil rolled his eyes and waved a dismissive hand at Renee, who laughed even harder, before turning to Allison, “You nervous for tonight?”

“Me, nervous?” Allison scoffed, “This is nothing. I'm fucking excited! I can't believe we're co-headlining a show together.”

“I...” Neil trailed off, “I never would have imagined this five years ago.”

Allison got up from the arm of the couch and dropped onto the bed beside Neil, “I'm so proud of you, babe.”

Neil smiled and wrapped an arm around Allison, pulling her in for a tight hug and lingering on the thought of both of them performing together, “Everything is almost perfect.”

“Almost?” Allison broke off the hug and raised an eyebrow.

“I just...wish Andrew was here.” Neil cringed at how desperate his words sounded.

Allison let out a long sigh before putting her hand on his shoulder, “I'm not going to pretend like I understand any of...whatever the two of you have going on but tonight is about you. Please don't get yourself all depressed just because you miss Andrew.”

Neil did his best to wipe the frown off of his face before settling back into the bed, “I'll try.”

Renee's phone rang from the other side of the room and she let out a startled gasp as she picked it up, “Oh my god!”

Neil and Allison both whipped their heads towards her position at the exact same time, Neil almost fell out of the bed he was so startled at hearing Renee 'take the lords name in vain'.

Renee looked at both of them with wide eyes as she listened to the voice on the other side of the phone, “Yes. Are you sure? But...no. Yes, she's right here. I can tell...fine. Hold on, I'll give her the phone,” Renee held the phone to her shoulder, “Um, Allison? There's someone on the phone for you.”

Allison slowly stood from the bed after exchanging a pensive look with Neil, “Who is it?”

“I...” Renee stopped herself, “It's best if you just take the call.”

Allison raised an eyebrow but crossed the room towards Renee who handed her the phone delicately and as if it was a bomb or something and then quickly retreated to the other side of the room.

Allison looked down at the phone and Neil saw her eyes go as wide as Renee had before she raised the phone to her ear, “You have got to be fucking kidding me. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't hang this fucking phone up right now? Seriously? Are you high right now? I could kill you for what you did. I don't want an explanation. You want to what? You're serious about this? I won't give you another chance and you won't like what I do if you fuck up again. Fine. Yes, I'm not alone. I'll call you when I get to the venue.”

Allison hung up the phone and thrust the phone back at Renee before beginning an intense staring contest with her.

Neil sat on the edge of the bed with his jaw slack and a million questions running through his mind, “I'll take an answer for what the fuck just happened any time you guys are ready.”

Allison and Renee broke off their stare and slowly turned to look at Neil with panic and confusion in their eyes.

“That was...” Renee began before Allison cut her off.

“It was fucking Seth. He felt bad for being an asshole to me before I left yesterday morning and wants to fly out and come to the show tonight. Of course, he can't get into the show because it's sold out so he'd trying to get tickets from me for him and a friend.

Neil raised an eyebrow and rested his elbows on his thighs, “Why did he call Renee?”

Renee spoke first this time, “Allison blocked his number before we got on the plane so I guess he figured calling me would be the easiest way to get a hold of her.”

“Right.” Neil narrowed his eyes.

Something about the whole situation seemed entirely off to him. Both of them women were acting shifty and weird and neither could look him in the eyes. He had a sneaking suspicion that there was more to the story than what he was being told but he couldn't think of any alternative that would make them act this weird. Eventually he let it go and just fell back towards the bed, too tired to play detective and find out what either of the girls were up to.

“Anyway,” Allison said, “I guess I need to go down to The Roxy and find out if we're really at max capacity or if I can scrounge up a ticket or two for his worthless ass. If anything, at least the make up sex will be fun.”

“Right,” Renee laughed, “We'll see you later this evening, Neil.”

“Yeah, yeah, go off and play super spy and let me take a nap.”

Neil groaned and pulled the blanket over his head to block out the light from the floor to ceiling window right next to his bed, resolving to forget about whatever weird thing Allison was doing and to try and get a few hours of sleep in before he had to get to the venue for a soundcheck.

 

*

 

Neil high fived Allison as he stepped off the stage following his final solo song of the night. The energy in the building all night had been insane and over a thousand people cheering for both of them. They had the set list set up so that they alternated after every song. Neil would sing, then Allison, then Neil, then Allison, and so on. It had been a fantastic night, entirely perfect from the lighting to the sound, and one completely worthy of being Allison's first concert on Palmetto Records.

As Allison made her way on stage to close out the night she turned around and give Neil an entirely too mischievous look. It was then that the phone call from earlier came back into his mind and he realized that he hadn't seen Seth all night. Not that he was actively looking for the asshole but Seth always had a way to make his presence known even if you wanted to ignore him.

Neil shook his head and run his fingers through his damp hair before turning his back to the stage and trying make his way back to his dressing room through a sea of backstage workers but before he could make it more than a few steps he was stopped by Renee who held a delicate yet forceful hand to his sweaty chest.

“I have orders to not let you back into your dressing room right now.” Renee said with a smile on her face.

“Orders?” Neil laughed, “From Allison.”

“Partly.” Renee nodded.

“Renee, I don't know what's going on but I feel so fucking gross right now and all I want to go is change into some terrible clothes and go back to my hotel room.” Neil sighed.

“Listen,” Renee leaned in closer to him, “Allison just really wants you to watch her final song of the night.”

Neil's eyes went wide as he ran through the hundreds of things Allison could do as a surprise and he let out a soft groan, “I don't have the energy for one of Allison's surprises, Renee.”

Renee grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around back towards the stage, pushing him towards the wings and holding him in place so that he had a good view of the side of the stage.

Allison looked back towards him and give him a wink before turning back to the mic, “Tonight has been insane! This is probably the greatest crowd I've ever played for and I cannot believe I got to do it all with my best friend. And that I'm on a label who finally respects me and lets me do the kind of music I want to do. This has been an incredible night and I'm so thankful to Palmetto for taking me on. I'm also thankful to my partner in crime who is currently looking at me from backstage with a big goofy look on his face.”

Neil raised an eyebrow and cringed as the crowd began to laugh.

“I know I owe you one more song...” Allison trailed and let the crowd scream, “but earlier today I got a call from someone. Someone I don't like very much but someone who Nate...or rather Neil, cares very much about. He asked me if I would do him a favor and let him come out and say something so if you guys don't mind, I'd like to welcome out a special guest.”

Neil felt his stomach drop as he registered the words that Allison was saying and the world around him seemed to slow down to a glacial pace. There was no way that what she was saying meant what he so fucking desperately wanted it to mean.

“Well,” Allison laughed, “since I hear no objections then I'd like to welcome to the stage a one very short, very grumpy, very apologetic, Andrew Minyard.”

Neil clasped a hand over his gaping mouth and looking across to the other side of the stage to see Andrew looking back at him, dressed in a dark pair of jeans and a tight black shirt, the blonde hair on his head impeccable styled, and a guitar strong across the front of his body.

Their eyes met for a brief moment and Neil saw the small smile the spread across Andrew's lips as he lifted the guitar in his hands and stepped forward onto the stage.

“Holy shit.” Neil gasped as he held onto the railing to brace himself.

 

*

 

**Andrew**

 

Andrew's knuckles were stark white from his death grip on the guitar. He couldn't believe he was actually going to do this. He couldn't believe he was going to stand in front of a fucking giant crowd of people and sing a song that he wrote just for Neil. Writing songs had been his outlet for his pain for so long, the least destructive way he could think to cope with everything. Songs he would never sing. Songs no one would ever hear or read. But now he stood there, across the stage from Neil, looking into the big blue eyes of the man who had changed everything he ever thought about his life and made him ready to put his entire being out there. Party as an apology for running and party as the only way he could think to convey to Neil, the fucking music junkie, how much he actually cared about him and how much he'd learned about himself in their time apart.

He broke his stare with Neil the second he heard Allison say his name. He was dreading the day Allison called to collect on this enormous favor but at the moment he was secretly so fucking thankful for the annoying woman who must have realized how much Neil actually meant to him to allow the spotlight of her big night to be stolen from her like it was about to be.

Andrew stepped up to the mic and leaned into it, looking out at the sea of confused faces that filled the entire room. The room had gone completely silent in a terrifying contrast to what it was like only a minute before.

“Hi,” Andrew said nervously, “none of you know who I am but...I'm here to say something to someone.”

Andrew paused and looked back at Neil who looked like he was hyperventilating and about to pass out. Idiot.

“I've thought about all the things I would say to you when I saw you again, how I would apologize, how I would try to explain myself and why I felt like I had to leave on that terrible morning a few months ago...but nothing seemed to make sense or convey how I actually felt. So...I did something else. I wrote you a song.”

Andrew stepped back and took a deep breath, keeping an eye on Neil who's eyes had gone wide and looked almost completely drained of color.

“This is for you, Neil.” Andrew said softly as the crowd let out a surprised gasp at Neil's name, “This is [Flipside](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5ND1vE-5z8).”

 

_Are you gonna hurt me now?_   
_Or are you gonna hurt me later?_   
_Are you gonna go to town?_   
_Maybe you should play it safer_   
  
_You've got me all dressed up tonight_   
_Springsteen on the radio_   
_You've got me all freaked out tonight_   
_Somethin' you're tellin' me, what? I don't know_   
  
_You don't wanna break me down_   
_You don't wanna say goodbye and_   
_You don't wanna turn around_   
_You don't wanna make me cry but_   
_You caught me once_   
_Maybe on the flipside I could catch you again_   
_You caught me once_   
_Maybe on the flipside you could catch me again_

 

Andrew opened his eyes and found Neil standing dangerously close to him, having crossed back onto the stage from the spot where he was standing only moments before. He turned his body so he was facing Neil completely now, looking dead into his beautiful eyes as he sang, ignoring the way his hands began to tremble.  
  
 _Drinks on the patio_  
  
 _Are you gonna tell me now?_  
 _Are you gonna tell me later?_  
 _Cause if you think that I don't know_  
 _I'm gonna have to say you're crazy_  
  
 _I'm getting all dressed up tonight_  
 _Dressed up just to hear you, boy_  
 _I already know what you got in store_  
 _Why I go, baby, I don't know_  
  
 _You don't wanna break me down_  
 _You don't wanna say goodbye and_  
 _You don't wanna turn around_  
 _You don't wanna make me cry but_  
 _You caught me once_  
 _Maybe on the flipside I could catch you again_  
 _You caught me once_  
 _Maybe on the flipside you could catch me again_  
  
 _So you think you're in charge?_  
 _Do you?_  
 _Actin' like a big shot_  
 _I'm sure_  
 _So you think you're in charge?_  
 _Do you?_  
 _You're actin' like a big shot_  
  
 _You don't wanna break me down_  
 _You don't wanna say goodbye and_  
 _You don't wanna turn around_  
 _You don't wanna make me cry but_  
 _You caught me once_  
 _Maybe on the flipside I could catch you again_  
 _You caught me once_  
 _Maybe on the flipside you could catch me again_

 

The song ended and the room continued on in it's dead silence. No one in the audience had any fucking idea how to react to what they were seeing.

Andrew let go of the guitar in his hands, letting it fall slack against his side as he took a tentative step forward towards Neil.

Neil's hands were trembling with just as much nervous energy as his own so Andrew stopped in his tracks to let Neil play it how he wanted to. They both had to be at least vaguely away that they were in a very public space.

Neil took a step forward and Andrew could see the tears that were welling up in his eyes. The idiot just had to be a crier. Still, it made a begrudging smile stretch across Andrew's face. God, he'd almost forgotten how beautiful this idiot was in person.

They stopped just short of each other, the silence in the room still thick with tension and wonder. Neil reached out a hesitant hand, stopping halfway between them. Andrew nodded a yes, a smile still stuck across his face, and felt the goosebumps crawl across his body when Neil's hand finally touched his skin.

“You're here?” Neil breathed in question as they stepped closer together.

“I'm here.” Andrew nodded.

“I've...” Neil trailed off, “I've missed you so much.”

“I know,” Andrew said softly, “I missed you too.”

“You left and I didn't know what to do and...I fucking hate you so much right now but I also cant believe you're here and you're back and I'm so fucking happy and wow you look amazing. Did you always look this amazing?”

“Neil,” Andrew laughed, “be quiet. We can talk later.”

Neil bit his lip and leaned forward just slightly enough so Andrew could feel his breath on his face, “OK.”

Andrew bridged the small gap even more and soon they were only centimeters apart, “Yes or no?”

“Yes.” Neil answered without hesitation.

“Shoulders and above.” Andrew smiled.

Andrew reached out and wrapped his arms around Neil's waist, pulling their bodies tightly together as their lips met with a furious crash. A jolt of electricity went through him as Neil's hands found his shoulders, his nails dragging across their broad length before sliding up the back of his neck and letting his fingers intertwine in Andrew's now damp hair.

Andrew's tongue prodded against Neil's lips which parted almost instantly, their tongues swirling together as the kiss deepened. Fuck. Andrew had no idea just how much he missed this.

The kiss broke apart and their eyes were still locked together. It was only then that they both became aware of the thunderous applause and cheers coming from the crowd.

Neil paid no attention to the screaming crowd and instead left his hands in Andrew's hair and leaned in close to ask one simple question, “Are you home, Andrew?”

Andrew smiled and leaned forward so Neil would hear his words clearly over the audience that was screaming with joy, “I'm home, Neil.”

They kissed again and the sound around them drowned out once more, the only thing that mattered to either of them was the touch of the other and the only thing Andrew knew for sure was that he was never, ever leaving Neil again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not crying, you're crying! i've been looking forward to writing this ending FOREVER. 
> 
> only one chapter left, an epilogue of sorts that will be up within the next few days, i appreciate all of you who've read, kudo'd, and commented over the course of the story, it means so much to me that you guys like my little labor of love.


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we've fially come to the end! barring a few changes along the way i told the exact story i wanted to and i appreciate every single one of you who gave it a chance even with the shitty description! the following is literally just 2.5k words of fluff that exists just to make me (and hopefully you) feel happy! enjoy! as always, i appreciate any comments and kudos 
> 
> also, you'll see it when you get to it but for near the end of the chapter   
> italics = neil   
> bold = andrew  
> bold italics = both

 

 

 

 

 

Epilogue

 

 

Even one year after Andrew kissed him on stage in front of thousands of people at The Roxy Neil still couldn't believe his life was real. It had been a long year. A year filled with music. With stress. With happiness. With Andrew. And boy did the media love that last one.

A year with Andrew was a funny thing. It was a year filled with kisses. With Blowjobs. With lingering touches. With sarcasm. With cigarettes. With constantly raising percentiles. With yes's. With no's. And he couldn't be happier. He could stand to lose the media obsession over the two of them and their relationship, and he really could have gone without that one time when Andrew almost broke a paparazzi's camera (and face) but otherwise everything in his life was perfect.

If you had told him a year ago that he would be standing on stage at The Bowery Ballroom in New York celebrating the release of his first album he would have punched you in the face. Well, not really, he probably would have just walked away and sulked about it because it had to be a huge lie. But here he was. His album was out. He was on stage and playing songs from it that he'd written from his heart. And Andrew was right beside him, leading his band and playing guitar for him.

It was a wonderful thing, to share that moment of frenzy with someone you cared so deeply for. To be able to look to Andrew in the middle of a performance and catch a sly smirk or a casual eye roll. Or even better, to feel the last of your energy slowly leaving your body only to be completely re-energized by a single touch to the back of your hand. Performing on stage for screaming fans was one thing. But performing on stage for screaming fans with Andrew Minyard at his side? Well, Neil couldn't ask for anything more.

“You might want to get a move on.” A whisper broke through Neil's thoughts, bringing him back to the present as he realized he'd been looking off into the crowd and reflecting on the last year for close to half a minute.

Neil looked behind him and lit up at the source of the whisper as Andrew swiped an index finger across the small of his back, “I don't know what I'd do without you.”

“Fail miserably.” Andrew shrugged, “Now get on with the next song so I can get you back to our place and take your clothes off.”

The thought of going back to their shared apartment over The Fox Hole was enough for Neil to want to cut the show short and end it on the spot but he knew the label might have a bit of a problem with that so he soldiered on, leaning into the mic with a smile. “Sorry, I just got caught up in how crazy this whole year has been.”

The crowd cheered for him as he ran his hands through his unruly auburn hair and stretched his back out, his shirt riding up just enough to show a defined adonis belt and to inspire a high pitched squeal from men and women in the audience alike. Neil turned back to a glowering Andrew, always so protective and possessive, and give him a slight wink.

“I can't believe that I'm here tonight celebrating the release of my first album, _Nathaniel_.” Neil laughed into the mic, “I named it after myself, my actual, given name, because it ended up being so fucking personal by the time I was done with it that there was really nothing else I could call it. The album is my life set to music.”

He glanced back at Andrew once more and smiled. The album title was mostly his idea. He could still remember the look Andrew gave him after he'd played most of the album for him. The ever so slight smile that crossed his face as he reclined back on the couch, the way the words came out of his mouth in breathy perfection _'This album is more than you, Neil,'_ and he was right. Sure, the album had Neil Josten in it, it had Andrew Minyard in it, but it also had Nathaniel. The blood of Nathaniel ran through almost every song on the album to a point where he would have been denying it to himself if he didn't acknowledge it in some way. And thus, _Nathaniel_ the album was born.

“Now,” Neil smiled into the mic, entirely too deviously, “almost every single song on the album is solely written by me, except for one of them. The other song was mostly written one night when I was first getting to know someone very special to me. We didn't exactly write it together and it was done as more of a challenge between two headstrong people but it ended up being something so great that when it came time to put an album together I knew I had to have it on there. He told me when we wrote it that he better not hear it on the radio but I guess I have a confession to make...I just decided today that it's going to be my next single.”

Neil risked a look back at Andrew who was giving off his best impression of stoicism but the slight quirk to his eyebrow gave him away, he was at the same time amused and just a little bit pissed off. Neil shrugged and decided he'd get over it and if he didn't then he'd just give his co-writer the best blowjob of his life to make up for it.

“Anyway,” Neil smiled, “my co-writer is up here with me tonight and I'm very honored to sing this while he's up here with me. This is mine and Andrew's song, [Brooklyn Baby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5xcnjAG8pE).”

 

_They say I'm too young to love you_   
_I don't know what I need_   
_They think I don't understand_   
_The freedom land of the seventies_   
_I think I'm too cool to know ya_   
_You say I'm like the ice I freeze_   
_I'm churning out novels like_   
_Beat poetry on Amphetamines_   
_I say_   
_I say_   
  
_Well, my boyfriend's in a band_   
_He plays guitar while I sing Lou Reed_   
_I've got feathers in my hair_   
_I get down to Beat poetry_   
_And my jazz collection's rare_   
_I can play most anything_   
_I'm a Brooklyn baby_   
_I'm a Brooklyn baby_

 

Neil was so wrapped up in the moment of the song that he didn't notice Andrew had moved from his position slightly behind him to right next to him. Only the crowds scream of excitement alerted him to Andrew's movements before he felt Andrew presence right next to him. Neil gave him a confused look but Andrew just rolled his eyes and slightly lowered his mouth to the mic before taking over the next verse and singing it on his own. It was a good thing too because Neil lost his entire ability to sing in the pure shock of the moment.

  
  
**They say I'm too young to love you**   
**They say I'm too dumb to see**   
**They judge me like a picture book**   
**By the colors, like they forgot to read**   
**I think we're like fire and water**   
**I think we're like the wind and sea**   
**You're burning up, I'm cooling down**   
**You're up, I'm down**   
**You're blind, I see**   
**But I'm free**   
**I'm free**

 

The audience hadn't stopped screaming by the time the second chorus was about to arrive and Neil couldn't blame them. It was a fucking moment. He would have been screaming too if he wasn't worried about making an idiot of himself. Andrew held him in a stare the entire time he was singing and raised an eyebrow in silent question to ask if Neil was going to join him at the mic or not.

Neil blinked a few times before realizing he should probably do his damn job and lowered his head to the mic to sing _along_ with Andrew, ignoring every impulse that told him to kiss his new duet partner since they were so fucking close.   
  
_**Well, my boyfriend's in a band**_  
 _ **He plays guitar while I sing Lou Reed**_  
 _ **I've got feathers in my hair**_  
 _ **I get down to Beat poetry**_  
 _ **And my jazz collection's rare**_  
 _ **I can play most anything**_  
 _ **I'm a Brooklyn baby**_  
 _ **I'm a Brooklyn baby**_  
  
 _I'm talking about my generation_  
 _Talking about that newer nation_  
 _And if you don't like it_  
 _You can beat it_  
 _Beat it, baby_  
 _You never liked the way I said it_  
 _If you don't get it, then forget it_  
 _So I don't have to fucking explain it_

**_And my boyfriend's in a band_ **   
**_He plays guitar while I sing Lou Reed_ **   
**_I've got feathers in my hair_ **   
**_I get high on hydroponic weed_ **   
**_And my jazz collection's rare_ **   
**_I get down to beat poetry_ **   
**_I'm a Brooklyn baby_ **   
**_I'm a Brooklyn baby_ **   
  
**Yeah my boyfriend's pretty cool**   
**But he's not as cool as me**   
_**Cause I'm a Brooklyn baby** _   
_**I'm a Brooklyn baby** _

 

The song ended and Neil couldn't help but stare at Andrew with stars in his eyes. He'd often stopped and wondered over the last year how he got so fucking lucky, how this was his life, how he was living out his dreams and doing it with someone he cared so much for. Someone he loved.

The crowed was still having a meltdown by the time someone spoke again. The someone was Andrew who held Neil's gaze and leaned in the mic to simply say, “421%”

Neil laughed to himself as he watched Andrew turn on his heel and set his guitar down and walk off the stage, stopping just short of the wings to wait for him.

Neil took the mic in his hand, “Well, that was a nice surprise for all of us,” he laughed into the mic, “that's the end of the show. I'm so glad you all could come out and help me celebrate this huge night. I appreciate it so fucking much, get home safe and I hope you'll all come out and join me again when my tour brings me back home.”

The crow cheered one final time and Neil smiled, gave them a two fingered salute and nearly ran off the stage towards Andrew. Andrew, for his part, only stood there, his arms open and waiting to embrace Neil.

“I hate you.” Andrew murmured as he nuzzled himself into Neil's neck, “And you're fucking gross and sweaty.”

“You didn't have to hug me.” Neil smiled, carding his hands through Andrew's equally gross and sweaty hair.

Andrew poked him in the ribs before pushing him backwards, “Go change, I'm not letting you into the apartment in those smell clothes.”

Neil rolled his eyes and crossed his hands over his chest, “You're going to lock me out of my apartment?”

Andrew narrowed his eyes, “It was my apartment first.”

“And now it's ours.”

“Not if you don't change.”

Neil laughed and wound his way through the backstage area towards his dressing room, pausing just outside of the door to hook his arm around Andrew's and pull him inside, “You're changing too.”

Andrew only grunted and pulled his shirt off over his head as the door clicked shut behind him, “We're not having sex in here.”

“I didn't say we were.” Neil smiled and settled in close to Andrew, “Yes or no?”

“Yes.” Andrew mumbled as Neil's lips pressed against his.

Even a year later, kissing Andrew was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Every kiss with Andrew felt like a first kiss, it always held the spark of wonder, confusion, and pleasure. It was perfect. It was still an end and a beginning.

“You're smiling like an idiot.” Andrew laughed when their lips parted for just a second.

“You make me happy.” Neil nodded before their lips connected again.

“I hate you.” Andrew sighed as he broke off this kiss and pressed his lips to Neil's neck, biting and sucking the skin to leave an unmistakable mark.

Neil bit his lip, half in pleasure and half in hesitation before he finally decided to do it, he knew he'd felt it for a long time and he was pretty sure that Andrew felt the same way, regardless of how many times he said otherwise, “I love you.”

Andrew paused immediately and pushed Neil backwards a step, still keeping his hands on his shoulders.

“You don't have to say anything back,” Neil added, “I just wanted to tell you. I've felt that way for a while.”

“You're so stupid.” Andrew groaned.

“I know.” Neil smiled and felt his eyes light up.

Andrew must have noticed too, he removed his arms from Neil's shoulders and rested them on his own hips, “I hate when you look at me like that.”

Neil laughed softly, “You're not an answer to me, Andrew. I found myself when I found you but not because of you.”

“I'm not,” Andrew agreed as he stepped in close again and wrapped his hands around Neil's waist, “and you're not a pipe dream.”

“I'm not,” Neil agreed as he pressed his chest against Andrew's and placed a kiss on his forehead, “I'm still here.”

Andrew seemed to study him, his eyes darting over every inch of Neil's face. It was a look that scared him initially, it was something he likened to a predator trying to size up something it decided was it's next meal. But Neil knew what the look was now, it was Andrew fighting a battle in his mind, trying to decided how much emotion he truly wanted to give away.

“I love you too.” Andrew finally relented.

Neil let out a small laugh and pushed Andrew backwards towards the couch as he pulled his own shirt over his head, “I know.”

Andrew glared at him and crossed his legs, “422%”

Neil turned his back to Andrew and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked deep into his own icy blue eyes before letting his gaze travel over the land marks of his body. Andrew sat just in the corner of the mirror and when their eyes met in the reflection Neil didn't try to hide his smile.

He was Nathaniel. He was Neil. He was with Andrew.

_He was happy._

 


End file.
